Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I don’t write love poems.
I don’t build boys flimsy flower gardens,
With delicate walls of sentiment
And paths cobbled with kisses.
No blooming bunches of sweet nothings,
That will only whither and crumble and rot.
But you’ve fucked with my head,
And made an architect of me
yet. I’d offer you the castles and towers
Ripped straight from my body and mind
And watch as you tear them all down.
A single smile and I am shaken
Down to my very foundation.
I’m all weak knees and quaking groundwork
You scaled that very high garden wall
Please stay and see the flowers
I’ve grown for you alone.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey! Cello here for a review!
When using repetition like this my personal rule is always repeat three times. Repeating only two times make the reader feel like the poem is missing a line. There's a simply fix though. Change the period at the end of the first line to an 'and'.
Yes! Someone who uses italics instead of caps for emphasis! Okay, still, you honestly don't need emphasis here. (Through my copy and paste magic the italics disappeared so you'll have to check the original poem) Reading the words 'wither', 'crumble' and 'rot' with extra force doesn't sound right so there's no reason to indicate for it to all be read that way.
I'd simply suggest removing the 'yet' here. It just feels out of place.
[quote]Please stay and see the flowers
I’ve grown for you alone. [quote]
This works I guess but it feels uncomfortable. If I were you I would have a 'that' at the beginning of the second line or at the end of the first. I see that it's supposed to be poetic but I feel that the extra word is needed.
This was really lovely to read. It had a great story put beautifully into words.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello! Tuesday here for a review on Review Day!
To begin, I think this poem is quite understanding for some. Mostly those who have been through some heart break along the way, trying to recover from the pain of it. As you had said in this poem, love is an old building that needs someone to care for it. I, however, think that is true; since some people would rather destroy something pretty and watch it rot or rather crumble but I am rambling on.
Nitpick(s):
For one thing, there isn't any stanzas; only run-offs and such. Try double spacing or something to make the poem look nice as a whole. Also some punctuation (or you could leave it the same.) Whenever I read a poem, I want to feel what the poet is feeling when writing this; sadness? happiness? It ranges mostly so add some stanzas in this and people will truly understand how you feel.
This line doesn't agree with me- for one, I feel like the tense is used wrong. I mean this could have happened in the past or right now, but for this little line- I suggest one thing and that would be change am to was . It seems to run smoothly as itself and adds some tenses to it.
I only suggest for this line, is to change it. It doesn't seem to make sense and kinda drags itself as an ending. It has to leave suspense or that idea moment in time or something. So I would suggest, putting alone as itself on its own line- with a comma at the end of the line itself. That would be all for you to change it.
You used very twice- but in different meanings. However very high seems a bit... vague, to be honest. Add some colorful words like steep or greatly to describe such a wall- like Romeo and Juliet or something.
Also one more thing, read aloud your poems. In front of a mirror or to someone else- it could help you edit more of your poems (if you write more, which is surely possible). Also reading aloud is more helpful to yourself since you could find mistakes in it that you never knew you had.
Overall, this poem is quite lovely. Lots of feeling inside this one and some parts has nice literary devices stuffed inside.
If this makes no sense, message me!
Hope to see more,
Tuesday
I agree with Sherri that the rhythm was a bit difficult to keep track of. However, I absolutely LOVED the imagery used in the latter half. The architectural theme meshed beautifully into the description, furthering the parallel between the destructive/painful relationship and the metaphors alluding to it. The double meaning in the last line is a real kicker - an effective ending can really make or break a piece of poetry. Well done and keep on!
Hey there Clairekcross!
Either way, it's very beautiful!
Welcome to the site!!
This'll be my 100th review, but I haven't done any in quite awhile, so please excuse any errors or poor structure. I'll try my best
Now, in general, I love poetry. I've never been a true fan of love poems (Love, Happy Endings, and I had a spat one day long ago, and no longer get along xD ) but I actually enjoyed this one.
It was a bit forlorn--to me, at least, but I could be looking at it with a negative filter--in that you were willing to rewrite what you were willing to do, enabling yourself to build up the comfort and safety of a relationship if only to watch your Reflection shred what you've built. It's a sad thought, but in a way makes the poem more beautiful.
I noticed the ending seemed to have a double meaning (again, this could just be me) and saying you grew 'flowers' only for your Other, but also raised them alone. Am I mistaken? I'm mostly curious
Now for the nitpick side of things...
Even though your words line up nicely, your poem comes together, and you keep a close proximity to your original syllable count from the first line onwards, the rhythm still seemed... a bit off. This might be how I read it, and the fact that I was listening to music (you know what, that's probably it) but I couldn't quite get a grip on the flow of it and had to start over a few times. It's a peeve of mine xD
Other than that minor misunderstanding between me and your poem, you did wonderfully!!! I really love it, and the diction you use. Very powerful
I hope you keep writing and stick around on the site! It's always nice to see new writers, especially poets!
Happy writing!~