......millions of millions years after today......
Chapter 1. Abnormal reaction of chicken
At this time, the earth is managed by an union government.
This morning, little girl Daisy wakes up and takes a look out of window, she sees the rising sun. There is no cloud in sky. It is another sunny day.
“Sister, sister, waking up! Waking up. Let`s go to see the hens.” While wearing her overcoat, Daisy pushes her younger sister and yields to her.
“Don`t push me, sister. I still want to sleep for a while. You can go by yourself.” After talking back to Daisy, she makes a turn and continue to sleep.
“If you don`t go, I will go.” Daisy opens the door and rushes out to see the hens.
In this county, almost every family has hens and chicken near living house. The eggs and meat will be sold in supermarket nearby.
“Help! Help!” Everybody in the family can hear the shouting from Daisy`s younger sister.
After hearing the shouting, Daisy and her parents rush to the house for hens and chicken.
After entering the big house of hens and chicken, everybody was astonished by the sight of situation. All the hens are dead.
In the local government office, chief officer puts down his phone and tell officer Lee, “This is the fifth similar call today. The situation looks not good.” He falls into deep thinking.
Within one hour, the local government gets the statistical result: there are more than 90% of the hens and chicken dead without obvious reasons. The local government reports to the province government immediately.
In the conference room of the province government, there is an urgent meeting. All the necessary officers are listening the latest report.
“Please go on, Mr. Zhang, please continue your report about the situation. We all want to have more details.” Says province chief.
“OK, let me continue. Until right now, our department has received about 120 reports about the chicken incident. All the reports show that a lot of hens and chicken are dead all of a sudden. This strange incident happened all over our province. We have investigation teams on many places to invest the overall situation.” Says Mr. Zhang.
“OK, let’s have an immediate contact with one team so that we can know the situation there.” Says province chief.
On the big screen of the conference room, there is a expert reporting.
“Here we are. We are in a local county with many dead hens and chicken. There are no signs of external injury. There are no signs of food poison or water poison according to our test device.” Says the expert.
“Have you checked the air and earth situation? This is very important, too. We must be certain about the whole environment situation.” Asks province chief.
“Not yet. We will do it immediately and report to you after having any results.” Says the expert.
“Very well!” Says province chief. The video conference is off.
“This is the initial situation. Any suggestions here? Any suggestions can be brought out here for discussion.” Asks province chief to everybody in the big conference room.
“According to the reports, this chicken incident has nothing to do with any normal diseases. This kind of chicken incident has never happened before. We must be careful about something happening with big consequence.” Says Mr. Zhang.
“I agree with this view. Our environment department has also observed some abnormal incidents recently.” Says the environment chief.
At this time, the secretary of province government comes and hands a piece of paper to the province chief.
After reading the note, the province chief tells everybody, “This is no sign of earth poison and water poison. I must report to the union government immediately. This meeting is over.”
In the other districts of earth, there are also incidents of chicken death in large quantity.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I see you're new here so Welcome to YWS!! Hope you have a nice day!
First Impression: This is a very intriguing little piece here. I think you've done a lovely job of bringing to life a very mysterious situation and quickly establishing how dangerous it is. It works well to get us invested in finding out more really quickly.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy this is an interesting start. Its a bit of a mix there with this statement about the Earth that seems more on the vague side being all mysterious sounding being immediately followed by what appears to be just two people having a perfectly normal start to a day. Its a bit jarring there and I think it works great to grab our attention as readers.
I love how much we're already learning about these two sisters just from this one simple interaction. I think it builds a really nice base for these two characters and the kind of relationship that they share.
Oooooh I love this. I wasn't expecting this to happen so quickly, but its a lovely twist. Its a very nice moment of danger into the situation here and I think it lends itself really well to grabbing our attention really well once again if we weren't already intrigued. Its an incident that falls nicely into the midst of being easy to imagine and still very mysterious and dangerous.
Well this is arguably the most dangerous sounding situation I have ever read about surrounding chickens and I love it. Its definitely one of those really odd but still very startling situations that at least for me personally leaves me unsure whether to be terrified of what's to come or wonder if this whole scenario is meant to be some sort of prank. Either way it definitely ends up being very gripping here.
I like how serious you manage to keep this whole side of things. Things are escalating really quickly. I expected this story to continue in a simpler setting with those sisters but the fact that we've got some high ranking people putting a lot of effort in immediately elevates things to another level and we do have confirmation that this is very much a serious situation.
Ooooh well the plot really is thickening there. The idea that the usual methods of possible death all don't seem to be responsible definitely opens up a lot of terrifying possibilities about what this could be and if whoever did this crime is planning to use this on human targets too.
That is most definitely a very abnormal situation here and I love the way you move to very quickly make it apparent to us that some really bad things do be going down here. It plays in quite powerfully as far as keeping us readers really wanting to know more.
This is a solid place to end here. We have our main danger established really nicely and that little sort of cliffhanger at the end about how this mysterious danger is present works very well to get us very much wanting to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall a fairly strong start here to this piece. I think it does pretty well in terms of introducing this mysterious chicken scenario and I certainly want to read more. The sisters at the start don't seem too important to the story in the long run but they were pretty good characters to introduce the chicken scenario to us with and all these high ranking people investigating seem interesting too. There were a few too many names tossed out there for them to be memorable though. Mr. Zhang is the only one I remember so if you want those characters to be important going forward you'll have to develop them up a little more so they stand out a bit better against everything else.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Thank you very much for your valuable comments. I will keep on writing this science fiction as long as my readers like to read.
You're Welcome!
Hi, hello there! This is Ina aka loveissourgrapes speaking. I am here to give you a little comment/review for your chapter. I found it interesting how the timeline is million years after today, very imaginative. Anyways, let's get into it.
"At this time, the earth is managed by an union government.
This morning, little girl Daisy wakes up and takes a look out of window, she sees the rising sun. There is no cloud in sky. It is another sunny day.
“Sister, sister, waking up! Waking up. Let`s go to see the hens.” While wearing her overcoat, Daisy pushes her younger sister and yields to her.
“Don`t push me, sister. I still want to sleep for a while. You can go by yourself.” After talking back to Daisy, she makes a turn and continue to sleep.
“If you don`t go, I will go.” Daisy opens the door and rushes out to see the hens.
In this county, almost every family has hens and chicken near living house. The eggs and meat will be sold in supermarket nearby."
The starting reminds me of the movie "Frozen", the starting where Anna and Elsa have this dialogue like Daisy and her younger sister. But I have small grammatical errors here. Like, it should be "a union" instead of "an union" and the phrase "look out of window" is supposed to be "look out of a/the window". Also, like "sold in supermarket" instead of "sold in a supermarket nearby." You've got to re-check the grammar of your story again when you have time to polish it a little.
"“Help! Help!” Everybody in the family can hear the shouting from Daisy`s younger sister.
After hearing the shouting, Daisy and her parents rush to the house for hens and chicken.
After entering the big house of hens and chicken, everybody was astonished by the sight of situation. All the hens are dead.
In the local government office, chief officer puts down his phone and tell officer Lee, “This is the fifth similar call today. The situation looks not good.” He falls into deep thinking.
Within one hour, the local government gets the statistical result: there are more than 90% of the hens and chicken dead without obvious reasons. The local government reports to the province government immediately."
At the start, I was like, "oh, a cute story about little girls living in a farmhouse." But then it shifted that something has happened to the hens and the chickens. Since this is a chapter it is understandable that the characters and the plot aren't fully explained yet but there are still a few more grammatical errors.
"In the conference room of the province government, there is an urgent meeting. All the necessary officers are listening the latest report.
“Please go on, Mr. Zhang, please continue your report about the situation. We all want to have more details.” Says province chief.
“OK, let me continue. Until right now, our department has received about 120 reports about the chicken incident. All the reports show that a lot of hens and chicken are dead all of a sudden. This strange incident happened all over our province. We have investigation teams on many places to invest the overall situation.” Says Mr. Zhang.
“OK, let’s have an immediate contact with one team so that we can know the situation there.” Says province chief.
On the big screen of the conference room, there is a expert reporting.
“Here we are. We are in a local county with many dead hens and chicken. There are no signs of external injury. There are no signs of food poison or water poison according to our test device.” Says the expert.
“Have you checked the air and earth situation? This is very important, too. We must be certain about the whole environment situation.” Asks province chief.
“Not yet. We will do it immediately and report to you after having any results.” Says the expert.
“Very well!” Says province chief. The video conference is off.
“This is the initial situation. Any suggestions here? Any suggestions can be brought out here for discussion.” Asks province chief to everybody in the big conference room.
“According to the reports, this chicken incident has nothing to do with any normal diseases. This kind of chicken incident has never happened before. We must be careful about something happening with big consequence.” Says Mr. Zhang.
“I agree with this view. Our environment department has also observed some abnormal incidents recently.” Says the environment chief.
At this time, the secretary of province government comes and hands a piece of paper to the province chief.
After reading the note, the province chief tells everybody, “This is no sign of earth poison and water poison. I must report to the union government immediately. This meeting is over.”
In the other districts of earth, there are also incidents of chicken death in large quantity."
The dialogues are good and the flow of the writing is good too. Just work more on the grammar and more description. I hope this helps! Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night. I would like to read more of your novel/long story c:
Thanks a lot for your valuable comment!
You're welcome!