Published November 22, 2007
[pre]Sunlight
I sit and watch
The sun unfold
The rays of beauty;
The pinks and reds
And yellows too
Wash the winding sky
I sit and watch
And wait untill,
The moon comes
To take the place[/pre]
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I have to agree with Chandni on this one. Try to fiddle with it adding for detail and description. The idea is very common, writing about the sun rise and set. The thing that will set your poem away from the others is the feeling you put behind it, the words you use, and the mood you set.
I had that problem when I started out too. I looked at it like a piece of music. Your words the notes, punctuation the rhythm, and the mood and feeling as the melody.
I still liked it, but I need more. The last stanza was good though, ending and wrapping it up. You just need to expand more. Let me know when you finish so I can take another look.
Okay, I think the idea behind this pretty o.k. even though I find this sitting on the edge of being cliche, it's still not that overused. The description was low, and it would be even more different if you added some more descriptions, explain the colours, explain the winding sky. Use of words is a defining matter, and so descriptions show your use of words. Other than that I'd like to take a look at what you have already ;
Ok, so first of all don't capitalize every line. Second you seemed to have some sort of overdose regarding the word "and" repeating and isn't necessary unless you really want to accentuate something, which in this piece doesn't really seem to be the case, so I'd suggest using commas and then use the "and". And last, I just changed a little bit here and there.
Overall, this was a nice read, simplistic, something you'd find in front of picture of a setting sun-not saying that's bad- But it would have been better, if you described a little more.
Cheerios, Chandni