The Messengers: 1st Chapter

Good story, keep it up, although I couldnt understand two things.

'I feel for Mr Kyoski', do you feel bad or sad? You said that girls classify Aaron as 'Perfect', then why did the narrator not want to sit with him?

Overall the story was pretty good, you described the scene well, your emotions were good too.

Nice job

Hello there! Let's take a look at this story ^^

Hey everyone. This is just the very first little part to my book. It's extremely small, but I would really like a review on it. Please help!

Shoot. Is this really a proper way to so start off a story? I understand that your narrator is probably a teenage, but this word just seems to clash with the lyrical beauty of present-tense. You could try using darn, or even damn, as it would be more realistic for a teenager to say.

The bell rings. I have to be in Mr. Kyoski’s- We don't need to introduce the teacher right away. For that matter, do we even need to know the period? All that matters is that it's math and your MC is late to it.

third period math class before the hall monitors hunt me down.This is a little redundant, and not quite necessary at this point in the story. It's too much information that you're giving us all at once.

I pile my books in my left hand before slamming the weathered locker door shut with my right. Shifting the books from my left hand back over, I shimmy into the old, gray hoodie that’s only half way on. I’m pretty good at multitasking. Do we will really need to know this information?

Mr. Kyoski spends a lot of time in the bathroom before class-I don't think a teacher would do that, because they have to make sure they are in their room at all times in case kids need to come in and ask questions-so I’m pretty much home free if I can make it past the hall monitors.

They take their job pretty seriously. My ballet flats click Okay, before I read this part, I was under the impression that your narrator was a boy. Obviously, try to give clues so the reader isn't taken by surprise.against the white tile as I count the doors to Mr. Kyoski’s. I slide through the opening into the chaos that I call class.

I feel badfor Mr. Kyoski.
First off, you say Mr. Kyoski way too often. Also, his name somewhat reminds me of 'Mr. Miyaki' from The Karate Kid series. Find other ways for your narrator to refer to her teacher.

I find an open desk and flip my wavy brown hair around so I can put my books under it. It doesn’t really matter who I’m sitting by. Just like with bees, if you don’t mess with anyone, no one will mess with you. That philosophy stays with me-by adding the first part of the sentence, it makes it less fragmented Until I look over and see I’ve snagged a seat next to Aaron. Aaron Mancini. I quickly glance through the chaos to see if there are any other seats I can slip into unnoticed, but nope, I have to sit here.
I try to avoid Aaron at all costs, because, supposedly, girls put him in the ‘perfect’ category. But no one can be perfect; not even Aaron. So I avoid him…until today. Fantastic.
Why? Why does your narrator that about Aaron? Oh, and by the way, even if you sit next to someone, you can still avoid them. I've done it before.
I try to make it through the lesson Mr. Kyoski has planned out for us, but I can’t. My mind is off in the pool, my arms and legs pulling me through the water in all four strokes until the bell rings. I have officially four minutes to get from here to my locker and on to the other side of the school for English. I write down my homework from the whiteboard onto a piece of paper ripped from my notebook and stash it in my jeans pocket. I don’t have any time to waste.
Until I find Aaron looking up into my blue eyes from his seat.
“Hey.” He manages, “You have really pretty eyes.”
-____-
Really, I feel as if I can already tell where this is going to go.
I want to say ‘thank you’, but I can’t. Because that’s not what I feel at all. Looking into his picturesque brown eyes, I only feel the envy boiling up from inside of me. So I blurt it out. Standing right there, one hand in my messenger bag, talking to Aaron Mancini.
“I always wanted to have brown eyes, even when I was little. I wanted people to look into my eyes and forget about the rest of the world. I wanted them to forget their lives, forget what had been planned out for them, and feel the warmth in my brown eyes. To love all that was there and nothing more.” I whisper.
And then I jolt back into reality and run out the door. I mean, I’m literally running. And just thinking about what happened brings a pang of embarrassment and I wince at it. Because for the very first time, I’ve talked to Aaron Mancini, someone I’ve tried to avoid all along, and I’ve embarrassed myself so much with something that could have been a two word conversation. Great Bekah, just great.
But I force myself to forget about it all so I can make it on time to English, even though the look of his eyes on mine is still there.

Hi there, I'm Suzu! Here are my thoughts:

1.)

Shoot. The bell rings, and I have to be in Mr. Kyoski’s third period math class before the hall monitors hunt me down. I pile my books in my left hand before slamming the weathered locker door shut with my right. Shifting the books from my left hand back over, I shimmy into the old, gray hoodie that’s only half way on.

Someone’s always snickering about Mr. Kyoski’s Chinese accent.

Hi! I'm Narniafreak! I really liked this and hope to read more later.

I shimmy into the old, gray hoodie that’s only half way on

My ballet flats click against the white tile as

as I count the doors to Mr. Kyoski’s. I slide through the opening into the chaos that I call class

see I’ve snagged a seat next to Aaron

in the ‘perfect’ category.

mind is off in the pool, my arms and legs pulling me through the water in all four strokes until the bell rings

I don’t have any time to waste.
Until I find Aaron looking up into my blue eyes from his seat.

I want to say ‘thank you’, but I can’t

I mean, I’m literally running

Hi there! First of all, I want to say that you did a pretty good job. Now, I'm not a master critique, but I do see a few things that I would like to point out.

Mr. Kyoski spends a lot of time in the bathroom before class so I’m pretty much home free if I can make it past the hall monitors.

I feel for Mr. Kyoski.

Junior math classes are always the worst. For one, I’m being hit with at least three paper airplanes as I turn right down the rows of graffiti-covered desks.

I find an open desk and flip my brown, wavy hair around so I can put my books under it.

. Just like with bees, if you don’t mess with anyone, no one will mess with you.

I try to avoid Aaron at all costs, because, supposedly, girls put him in the ‘perfect’ category. But no one can be perfect; not even Aaron. So I avoid him…until today. Fantastic.

“Hey.” He manages, “You have really pretty eyes.”

I want to say ‘thank you’, but I can’t. Because that’s not what I feel at all.

Looking into his picturesque brown eyes, I only feel the envy boiling up from inside of me. So I blurt it out. Standing right there, one hand in my messenger bag, talking to Aaron Mancini.

And then I jolt back into reality and run out the door. I mean, I’m literally running. And just thinking about what happened brings a pang of embarrassment and I wince at it. Because for the very first time, I’ve talked to Aaron Mancini, someone I’ve tried to avoid all along, and I’ve embarrassed myself so much with something that could have been a two word conversation. Great Bekah, just great.

But I force myself to forget about it all so I can make it on time to English, even though the look of his eyes on mine is still there.

Okay! I've tried to review this piece to the very best of my ability. I am still a writer in budding myself, so I hope that the things I have corrected helped a little. Something else that I noticed is that you use conjunctions at the beginnings of your sentences. Conjunctions include and, or, but, yet...etc. Try to avoid using conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence. Also, think about something before you write it. Keep up the good work, and happy writing!