Published November 22, 2008
Ok, so I've been trying to write something for the past couple of weeks, and I can't seem to get into fantasy-fiction, so I decided to try out some realistic-fiction. Tell me if you think is is a good idea:
Shoes
The young, tousled dark haired man walked painfully into the operating room. Taking off his worn blue officers’ hat, he stepped up to the small, iron bed. All he could see of the woman were her cold, blue feet, for the rest of her body was covered in a white sheet. The man bowed his head.
“Officer Franklin, you have a call from the police department.” An older nurse had walked into the room, and she sported a phone with the cord dragging in from the hallway. He walked over to the nurse, smiled a small, crooked smile and took the phone. The nurse walked back down the hallway, and pressed the “up” button for the elevator.
“Hello?”
“Hey Dave, how is she?” A voice from the other end asked, and Dave knew him to be the police chief at the Pocatello Police Department in Idaho, where he worked. Dave knew him as Chief Bowdon, or just plain Ben.
“Well, she was homeless, and living on the streets. When she had been crossing the walkway at Fremont and 7th, it had been raining, and a car couldn’t stop when she ran and slid down the street. The car hit her.”
“How’d she slip?” Ben inquired.
“She wasn’t wearing any shoes.”
Dave took a taxi ride that took about twenty minutes to the apartment complex where he lived. Dave was a good looking guy, but he was still single, so he didn’t need all the extra space in a house. He paid the taxi driver, and grabbed his umbrella. It was still raining, it never seemed to stop.
That night, he couldn’t seem to get the girl who had died off his mind. She had been homeless, as he had told Ben, but he had a feeling that it was his fault. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he could have done something to keep that woman living, though he was at the other side of town at the time.
After a sleepless night, Dave arose again to find that it was Saturday, Christmas shopping day, as he had his siblings and parents to buy gifts. He made his way toward the local shopping center, a place for teens and moms to indulge in themselves, not for men to buy Christmas gifts, he thought. After looking through several stores, he saw the Santa Claus guy, ringing his bell in front of a basket people put money in to go toward others in need. He didn’t think much about the guy, and walked straight into the next store with Christmas sales signs in it.
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Canary word: Present
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this one was a pretty morbid story that you've managed to come up with. It does appear to be true to real life for the most part although there is the occasional random quip that makes it a tad bit dramatized for the purposes of the story in some areas. Other than that its a pretty decent somber story about a murder and you've executed that fairly well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh dear...that was quite the opening. Nothing like a dead body to instantly get a reader's attention. A really nice description there to start things off and it definitely is a very good way to immediately inform us that this was a serious situation.
The description of where the nurse goes seems like an unnecessary addition there. It sort of breaks up the overall flow of the piece somewhat. Omitting that part seems like the best way here.
That seems like an odd question to ask in relation to a dead body there. At least to me it is pretty weird to refer to a dead body that way.
Seems like a police officer should be going for a little bit more description than just referencing the shoes like its an action movie one liner.
Okay the "Dave was a good looking guy..." part seems like a really weird addition there again. You've got to see if that is really all that necessary to this plot and I don't think it is.
Now that is definitely some pretty realistic guilt that a police officer like that might actually face. So good on you for getting that accuracy there through that.
Well that was a pretty abrupt ending and I don't mean in that fun cliffhangery way this one just seems like the actual last paragraph just got deleted. I like that maybe you've thrown in some foreshadowing for a future part but establishing something like that and then just cutting it off seems a little awkward. It would be better to maybe mention his thoughts on the guy after he walks in. I feel like that would sound more natural than this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall the main story itself makes a good amount of sense and definitely does manage to tell is some pretty realistic points but that ending just feels a little out of place and disconnected to what has been going on so far and the ending is just a bit too abrupt for me to really see where this was meant to actually be going.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Double post. That was annoying. Ok, now that I'm done with that, on to your story. The main odd thing I noticed was this, why does the cheif ask why she slipped rather than why was she running? That's a much more natural question, and you could still have the no shoes part later on if you added that question in. Second, why does the co walk painfully into the operating room? Is he hurt? You don't tell us. Maybe use a different word. Lastly, could you please use somthing to tell us when it is a different period of time? It would be nice if it were a little more obvious. I like your story, and it feels like it could go somewhere, but it's a bit to short to judge right now. Keep at it a little longer and then post again maybe. Good luck!