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Young Writers Society



Normal; revised, and added to.

by cjscoot


Yes, it gets better, and yes, I will add more. Please review! -Cici

Normal

Alana’s POV

It was the perfect day to start my third year of high school. The disappearing sun was giving its last try to push through the cover of gray clouds, and the wind blew in all directions. In spite of the weather, it was a warm, light-hearted day, and with only the heat of the sun penetrating the clouds, I didn’t need my pink striped jacket. It was my ideal day. Little did I know that it would be the picture of hatred in a few months.

Adorned in my signature blue mini-skirt and flowered green tank top, I let my Roxy flip flops slip off my feet and into my hands so I could run to the ever waiting bus. I flew pass the cast iron gates that were surrounding neighborhood houses, my feet collecting a layer of top-soil.

I sighed. Even I could agree that the bright yellow and black school bus was one of the worst ways of travel. Now that they didn’t let teenagers drive till twenty-two, every BMW and Lexus was parked in a far away garage, collecting dust.

“Ms. DeWitt, you’re late. Again.” My disgusting bus driver Mrs. Wells practically yelled into my face. I stepped up to the first stair, letting the scanner screen through every item in my sketchy black and white back pack. These days, when they couldn’t get a military officer on every bus, they had scanners instead. My posse thought it was really getting out of hand; therefore, I did too. Nobody really cared when some other non-existent kid disappeared.

I felt like the only one who did.

I found Kelly at the very last seat of the bus. Of course, it was the most popular seat, so its backing was weathered and littered with vulgar writing. I didn’t notice. I was just happy to have Kelly by my side.

“Kelly!” I yelled, grabbing her close. We hugged for a long time, and then she began the one sided conversation about her summer in-what was left of- Italy. She talked about how she had to have bodyguards surrounding her family every time they wanted to go shopping, how before you went into any store you had to be body scanned and your things had to be looked through. Then she skipped to the part about how all the boys had collapsed when they saw her curly golden-brown hair and blue eyes. I fingered my straight blonde hair and thought about how my brown eyes looked especially drowsy that morning.

All the while, I stared out the window, ooh-ing and aah-ing when necessary. The Texas hill country flew by, with its sand paper oaks and muddy brown grass that was still recovering from the summer sun. It was all the same scenery till we got to the high school, but I had gotten used to its calming colors. I stared out the window a lot.

I never realized when the bus had arrived at school. Everyone was already screaming and rushing toward the front door, and I was the only one still sitting.

“Alana! Hello!” Kelly said, trying to maneuver her way around me. “If you’re not going to move, I’ll get out first.”

“Oh. Sorry!” I apologized, putting on my ever-perky façade. We walked to the front doors in unison, and I glanced up at the sign. ‘Dripping Springs High School’ it read, and for once I was genuinely happy to be back at school. Sure, summer was terrific, but after a while it got depressing. Endless days with nothing to do can really affect a person.

When we entered the school, the first-day line was already forming. Most people would have to wait to get their schedules and lunch times in that extremely long line. But not me. I sighed with resent for my place in the popularity chart. Kelly quickly glanced both ways, grabbed my arm, and waltzed to the front of the line. With her back up against the wall, she gave me the thumbs up. It was time to work my magic.

There were two boys in the front of the line, Jack and Nick, both who were in the brain-dead jock society of the school. I flipped my hair; this wouldn’t be hard to do.

“Hi, guys!” I flirted cheerfully, “I was really late for the bus this morning, so I had to skip breakfast. But, we only have five minutes left till first period, so do you mind if we skip you in line so I can eat?” Both boys were staring at the dirty, green tiled floor, and didn’t seem to notice.

“Guys? Hello?”

“Huh? Oh, ya, Alana. Go ahead.” Nick finally replied, barely glancing at my ashen face. Jack didn’t seem to be noticing that anything had happened. He was still glaring at the ground, his usually smiling face contorted in thought.

“What’s wrong? Are you both ok?” My mask fell at the sight of Jack’s agony; it wasn’t a sight I would see on a daily basis. He usually had the girls flocked at his ankles, reporting on the latest football win. At last, Jack looked up from the ground. The sorrow in his eyes reached my heart; and I was genuinely afraid of what had happened. Kelly didn’t seem to notice, she was too busy texting her Mom about wanting to go to the mall that afternoon.

When he could get his mouth open, Jack spoke. “It’s terrible. I mean, one day he was at football, and two weeks later; poof! He’s in some mental institution.”

“What? Who?”

This time it was Nick talking; Jack had slumped back to the wall. “Aaron, the quarterback. He was the best player on the team next to Jack and me. I mean, after practice, he seemed totally fine. Then, the next day, he calls me up and says that his girlfriend broke up with him, and that he wasn’t feeling well. Told me to tell coach that he wouldn’t be at practice.”

“So what does this have to with him going to a mental institution?”

“Well,” Nick got back to the story, “after a few days, he still wasn’t at practice. So I went to go check on him, and he was just asleep in his bed, and wouldn’t wake up. He wasn’t dead; he just was like, in a coma. So his parents took him to the hospital. He didn’t wake up, and they sent him to this place to do some tests. I haven’t seen Aaron since. “

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry!” Kelly had finally realized that we were talking about something important, and perked up.

“Ya guys, that’s really bad. So who’s the new quarterback?” I asked, still frightened from this new discovery. What in the world was happening to people?

“What?” Both Nick and Jack asked in unison, surprised.

“Um…you need a replacement quarterback, right? Is it going to be one of you?”

“Whoa! I never thought about that! I’ll go tell coach I’m signing up for the job!” Jack was instantly thrilled.

“Dude! I’m going to be the quarterback!” Nick retorted him.

Both boys flew off in the direction of the athletic hallway, each eager to beat the other for the job.

I was surprised at how little knowledge most popular people had. Everyone knew that when a person got hit with this plague, whatever it was, they weren’t coming back. So if they knew Aaron wasn’t coming back, why hadn’t they put two and two together and found a replacement quarterback? I didn’t know why I had asked the question, because I already knew the answer. It was because preps weren’t logical.

After the initial shock wore off, I was raw with fear. What was the plague? Where were all these people going? But I kept a straight face. No one would know what I was really thinking about. I chatted and flirted my way through first period, forgetting the dilemma. I couldn’t go about scared out of my wits. I was the most popular girl in school, even if I hated being it.


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User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 25

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Thu Apr 30, 2009 10:55 am
Cold And Broken Halleluja wrote a review...



I like this idea about the "plague" - It sounds quite interesting. ;) Anyway, on to the review...

cjscoot wrote: Adorned in my signature blue mini-skirt and flowered green tank top, I let my Roxy flip flops slip off my feet and into my hands so I could run to the ever waiting bus.


I noticed in this sentence, as well as a few others, that too much description has been shoved into it. Her clothing does give us an idea of her personality a bit, but it just seems a bit too excessive here. Also, "ever waiting bus" sounds a little awkward to me.

cjscoot wrote:I was the most popular girl in school, even if I hated being it.


Something about this doesn't make sense to me. I honestly don't know anyone who would hate being popular. Does she hate this because she doesn't like attention? If so, then how did she become the most popular girl in school? It doesn't seem realistic to make her the most popular girl. I suppose nothing wrong with being popular, but the most popular? Rethink this, maybe.

Overall, I liked it. Your description was pretty good, although a little too much in some parts. The idea really is quite interesting. What is this plague? What's causing it? I can't wait to find out. ;)




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23 Reviews


Points: 1201
Reviews: 23

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Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:51 am
afeefah wrote a review...



Hi. I'm going to concentrate more on the plot as I'm not really that great at grammar. it's very fast moving but i think that maybe instead of having the description at the beginnig of the story have Alana running for the bus; that'll be a bit more attention grabbing and then you can work the description into the story, maybewhen she's looking out of the window?

cjscoot wrote: I let my Roxy flip flops slip off my feet and into my hands so I could run to the ever waiting bus.


when i found out that she's the most popular girl in the school this part didn't really seem to make sense. i don't really know how to say it. it's a bit...uncool to say she's the most popular girl.

these are only sugggestions so don't feel like you have to change anything. overall your story is really good and i'll be waiting for more.:)

Afeefah





It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner