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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was the perfect day to be starting my third year of high school. The fainting sun was giving its last try to push through the cover of gray clouds, and the wind blew in all directions. In spite of the weather, it was a warm, light-hearted day, and with only the heat of the sun penetrating the clouds, I didn’t need my pink striped jacket. It was my ideal day. Little did I know that it would be the picture of hatred in a few months.

Adorned in my signature blue mini-skirt and flowered green tank top, I let my Roxy flip flops slip off my feet so I could (again) run to the ever waiting bus. I flew pass the cast iron gates that were surrounding neighborhood houses, my feet collecting a layer of top-soil.

Well this is quite the start here. I honestly don't quite know what to feel about it to be completely honest. On one hand, we've got a situation where there's a touch much description and hints at things to come, but then at the same time they do add something interesting to the story so I end up a little conflicted there. I'd say on the whole it does do the job of getting your attention as a reader well enough though.

“Ms. DeWitt, you’re late. Again.” My disgusting bus driver, Mrs. Wells practically yelled into my face. I stepped up to the first stair, letting the scanner screen through every item in my sketchy black and white back pack. These days, when they couldn’t get a military officer on every bus, they had scanners instead. My posse and I totally agreed that it was getting way out of hand. Nobody really cared when some other non-existent kid disappeared.

I felt like the only one who did.

I'm really not sure what the message on that particular piece is meant to be. The whole idea of these scanners and missing children is a lovely component to the story here, its a wonderful little mystery to introduce but the way this person introduces the scanners suggest they don't actually care at all about the missing children but then later it says they're the only one who does care and that really doesn't come across from the introduction we get here, so you might want to rethink that a little.

I found Kelly at the very last seat of the bus. Of course, it was the most popular seat, so its backing was weathered and littered with vulgar writing. I didn’t notice. I was just happy to have Kelly by my side.

“Kelly!” I yelled, scrambling for purchase in her arms. We hugged for a long time, and then she began the one sided conversation about her summer in-what was left of- Italy. She talked about how she had to have bodyguards surrounding her family every time they wanted to go shopping, how before you went into any store you had to be body scanned and your things had to be looked through. Then she skipped to the part about how all the boys had collapsed when they saw her curly golden-brown hair and blue eyes. I fingered my straight blonde hair and thought about how my brown eyes looked especially drowsy that morning. I never realized when we had gotten to school.

Okay...well that also leaves you with a few things to think about. I like the introduction of this relationship, its a nice touch and you get a sense of caring there, but then that ending just takes things in yet another direction via those thoughts and the actual last line there just seems like a bit of a random abrupt halt that I don't quite know what to make of.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey I'm Mia.

The fainting sun was giving its last try to push through the cover of gray clouds, and the wind blew in all directions.

I think the beginning of this sentence would be better off as 'setting sun'. Fainting doesn't seem to work here.

Adorned in my signature blue mini-skirt and flowered green tank top, I let my Roxy flip flops slip off my feet so I could (again) run to the ever waiting bus.

Try to avoid using brackets in writing. You could use commas instead, or reword the sentence.

My disgusting bus driver, Mrs. Wells practically yelled into my face.

Remove the comma after 'bus driver'.

I never realized when we had gotten to school.

I didn't really understand this sentence the first time. I had to re read it a few times. Maybe you should change try rephrasing it to make the meaning clearer.

Descriptions
I think you need to work on describing things a bit more, like the setting. However, I think you know how to 'show' what's going on, and what the characters look like. I was especially impressed when you said this:

Then she skipped to the part about how all the boys had collapsed when they saw her curly golden-brown hair and blue eyes. I fingered my straight blonde hair and thought about how my brown eyes looked especially drowsy that morning.

You managed to show what her friend and her look like without saying something like: Kelly had golden-brown hair and blue eyes. I had straight blonde hair and brown eyes. etc -.-
So great work on that Just work on describing the place they're in a teensy bit more.

Characters
I don't think I know what your Main character's name is. xD Try to mention it somewhere. Like her friend could greet her by name or something like that. I got the feeling that your MC is very popular, but cares about everyone around her and not only herself (like the normal clicheed popular). Elaborate more on this! Give more indication as to her personality.

Overall
I really want to know what's going on in this story since you're giving all these indications as to kid nappings and how Italy isn't all there or something! I want to know what happened! This is good, you captured my interest and I want to continue reading.
Work on the points I pointed out above, correct any mistakes, and you could have a very good piece on your hands.
Keep up the great job!
PM me if you have any questions or if you need any other reviews done,
xxMiaxx

Hi cjscoot! I'm going to review your work.

It was the perfect day to be starting my third year of high school

It was the perfect day to start my third year of high school.

Avoid to be verbs. Passivity kills prose.

Adorned in my signature blue mini-skirt and flowered green tank top, I let my Roxy flip flops slip off my feet so I could (again) run to the ever waiting bus.

She left her flip-flips behind? On the sidewalk? *confused*

My posse and I totally agreed that it was getting way out of hand.

Get rid of totally. It distracts.

“Kelly!” I yelled, scrambling for purchase in her arms.

What do you mean scrambling for purchase? It doesn't make sense. Scrambling for attention? Scrambling for the purchase she held in her arms?

I never realized when we had gotten to school.

I never realized the bus had arrived in school.

Or something like that. Reword it because it sounds awkward.


Anyway, on to the story!

First things first - there isn't much of a plot here. You might want to start with some action, or a hook. Something that will make us want to keep reading.

Apart from my interest in this alternate world you've created, there's nothing to keep me reading.

Also, let me feel the main character's feelings. This is, after all, first person. ^^

If you post another one/revise this one and need a critique, PM me. I'll be glad to help if you want my help. ^^