Young Writers Society

cjscoot wrote:Love is
letting you
pick your
favorite film
Titanic
because he wants
to see
the smile on
your face.

The cliche here is almost physically painful. "Girls like Titanic, boys go along just to be romantic and good boyfriends!". That idea has been used a million times, exhausted itself out, and crawled into a corner to die. Don't resurrect it; at least come up with a different movie if nothing else?

Love is
pulling you
into his lap
when everything
gets sad
because he
doesn't want you
to be
alone.

"Everything gets sad" doesn't cut it. Imagery needs to be present and some clarification too. What kind of sad? Why? How? How do you know? Does it matter? Was it something important? Not so important?

Love is
crying on his
shoulder when
Jack dies
because you
never want him
to leave.

This makes no sense. How does crying on one's shoulder because someone else died indicate love? If you said that he loves you because he let you cry on his shoulder, that would make a little more sense. But this doesn't.

Love is
kissing his cheek,
forming your body to his,
and falling asleep in his arms
knowing you're
safe and warm.

How do you form a body? Change that to something more appropriate - mold, press, push?

Love is
waking to sunlight
and chirping birds
to find his
handwritten note
by your bed
with three
simple words,
"I love you."

The reader has heard this whole "Love is three simple words, four simple letters" etc too many times to count. Don't end your poem with such an overused concept. Even ending with the stanza before this would be better than this non-ending. Get rid of the last stanza of this poem completely or come up with an example to parallel all of your other examples that run throughout.

That's what love is.

Great, but you already told us this in every stanza so far. Delete this sentence.

Overall, this was full of cliches and not a good poem, but try to come up with something original for your next poem. Use imagery, fresh ways of expression, and don't use popular culture like "Titanic".

Hope that helped.

Aw, this was really adorable. The little events here really tell the story of the two lovers. It's very simple, brief, and powerful.

Love is

pulling you

into his lap

when everything

gets sad

because he

doesn't want you

to be

alone.

There, I just have this tiny feeling that sad isn't the right word. Sad is an opinion, an emotion, and it isn't usually used to describe things like this, if I'm not mistaken. Maybe hard or worse would work in its stead.

Then, I have nothing else to point out. In poetry, repetition usually annoys me, but here, it just felt right. Your tone and your voice was perfect, the concept beautifully executed. Short and sweet adequately describes this. Great work.