Published January 4, 2013
Spilling towards the endless light,
Blighted thoughts contort before my mind’s sight.
The shrill ripping of air in my ears
Will have meant nothing in several years.
We sink into a selective mold,
Our mind knows not what our eyes behold.
For a moment we see our provincial state,
But wish not to venture out of our fate.
Lies congeal under the fragile boundaries we set,
Until they are released with a severe self vet.
The life we prisoners often seek
Can seldom survive a observant peek.
The outside calls sweetly and often remains
With each single realist living in the delirious’ domain.
O’ for the struggles a struggling man faces
Us middle men live in a world full of races.
Who will win in it all?
Our world constantly doubts the conspicuous answers.
Arbitrary,
Yet a denying kind,
Is the way of our hidden ignorance.
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,446 Reviews
I kind of agree with the previous review about the rhyme scheme, but don't cut me down just yet. I find rhyming generally distracts me from the meanings of the words themselves, but it feels (sort of) right here. I mean I had to re-read this to focus more on the message, but it is still present.
One thing that feels somewhat off throughout is the syllable counts in each line differ greatly, considering the rhyme scheme you've opted for. The rhythm is very... uneven?
If you are happy with a poem that sounds quite nice when read then obviously keep it as it is. But sometimes, ok most times, a strict rhyme scheme sounds forced - like you have chosen the words to fit this box and not because they help convey the message in the best possible way. It may restrict.
(p.s. 'a observant', 12th line, should be 'an')
Thank you for your review. I applaud your open-minded way of conveying specific details that you don't like about the rhyming and my poem. Thank you for reading, and i will definitely be doing some editing having read this review. thank you very much!
I'm not normally a fan of rhyming poetry but this you have kept my attention with. I definitely liked your ability to make it rhyme and make it flow without losing the reader. Kudos to that.
One nitpick I have is that I think you have tried too hard in the second line to rhyme. it just seems a little too wordy and forced. I would try to shorten it, make it a little more snappy.
Other than that I do like the imagery you have painted of the "Unfortuitous" and their "Selective Mold".
Thank you for letting me read this!
thank you for your review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it and stayed open-minded. i'll try to work on these suggestions/corrections asap, and i really appreciate constructive criticism.
You got it at the end, so you should have gone back and edited everything from that point.
Like, you're a poet. You should feel, if not consciously know by now, that every single word you use must carry its weight in a poem. If it doesn't not perform one duty, cut it. Every word should, in an ideal world, perform at least two duties (supporting meaning, tone, flow, etc.) if not more!
When you give in to rhyme, you are handing over the control of choosing each extremely important word to the power of how many words you know that rhyme. You are not communicating your message to me. All you are saying to me is that "peek" rhymes with "seek". I urge you, before I take the time to try to get into this tangled mess, to rewrite this without the rhymes. Even if you want to keep the rhymes, just try. Just once! See what you prefer. If you have tried once before, my apologies, but I have not yet been convinced why rhyming poetry is so popular.
Yes, teachers teach it in school, but they teach only the MASTERS who have survived decades and centuries. The reason is that when they rhyme, it was not forced. They mastered the rhyme. It did not master them. I am of the opinion that that tradition has no real place left in our time and that communication is much better facilitated in free verse, that the masters of our time will have been those that found perfect word control without dedicating their lives to mastering rhyme.
But it is personal preference.
If you do end up rewriting, please leave me a PM or a wall message so I can check it out.
Good luck and let me know if you have any questions!
Thank you for this feedback. I understand that some people don't like rhyming poetry, and yes it is very difficult to write well. I just don't particularly like when people smash a LARGE GENRE in response to one particular piece. I put a lot of effort into this, and it means something to me. I get it if you don't particularly like it, even if no one likes it, it's not necessary to be so harsh. This is a form of writing I like, and I was trying to do something good with it. This review gave no constructive criticism. Also, it's funny you mention "peek" and "seek" because I wrote the line ending with peek first, and maybe if you bothered to read it instead of dubbing it "this tangled mess" you would understand the meaning of what I was saying. I appreciate reviews, even the most critical ones, check my other reviews if you don't believe me. This was not a review of MY work, this was a review of all the rhyming poetry you've ever read. I'm truly sorry if you don't like rhyming poetry, and I hope you don't take this response too personally.
Thank you for your honesty.