I was lost in a swarming crowd, unable to sense myself. Dreaming. Almost dreaming away the afternoon with a tepid mug of tea and a blank stare through the window. A humming preoccupied my mind, which had fallen out when my lips conformed to a soft line. The thoughts blurred together like a picture taken too slow...
My fingers, pounded the varnished wood. The rhythm, methodically threaded through my mind like a bow glides across the strings of a violin. Emotion was fleeing me with every thud. Vibrations all together conquering the deepest territories of my intelligence. One tap was the memories of days long past. Another was the memory of them ending. Then the not-so-long-ago time when I thought that I had pulled myself together. And now... Now I’m in the midst of another ending. An ending that’s not so sad as I reckoned it might be. It was like a dew drop, not quite a tear, and not quite as final as the bifurcating branches of frost. It is a beautiful and singular item that’ll float away by mid morning.
I let the tea send tendrils of comfort through my lips and down to somewhere much more personal: The shaded hollow between reason and hope. It might have rested somewhere in my chest, but most times it folded into my subconscious. Such a place, where I have not too often been. A place where worries seem to evanesce, or recede to their basic structures like sculptures of great people long since gone.
I used to let crystalline tears drip from my inattentive eyes. I suppose, over time they became less valid. They were emptied of their dismal resonation and thus filled with abashing shame. I had not learned to speak for my voice to become silenced...
The sun had sunken down in my little hallowed ground. There was something to believe in but now...It’s all gone. Not a crumb of the faith I had had dispersed. It just sat beside me like a severed limb, useless and discontenting. I couldn’t bear to leave it’s bloody, mangled form; it seemed to have a life all it’s own.
In my shady hollow I swallowed the last preconceived aim. No goodbye brushed past my unmoving lips; Nobody would have heard it anyways. Nobody would have said to move perpetually forwards without stopping to say goodbye. I wouldn’t hear so much as a consoling word from the voice I used to tell to shut up.
Well, all that’s done now. And, I ought to move right along, dust off my knees...
But, this loss that signifies the ending, does in fact rip open the still unhealed scars from long ago. I tried to deny myself that indulgence, the sorrow of two hopeless souls thrown in the abyss. They’re not quite the same, but not quite different in the way they controlled my faith like a marionette.
Hey, I’ll be fine. Who needs friends? Well, he wasn’t exactly a friend as much as a reason... I’ll find someone else. I’m sure someone else can ignite a fire in my mind.
Well, maybe not.
But, somebody else can make me laugh so hard I forget about how long I’ve been alone.
I can’t be so sure.
I’ll be able to open up to someone again.
It’s not working.