~Black~
Hey CJ! Black here for a quick Review Day review!
Okay, so, AMAZING piece here! Your style is incredibly formal, but formal in a good way, extremely well used! And your theme . . . whew, if you didn't do a nice job on it then nobody has! It is awesome and I loved it! Your style is really, really good, going along from point to point really easily, without glitches! Nice job there! Overall you did a really good job! Great work!
However, you did have a few problems, only two of which I have time to address in this particular review. These two problems are your theme is really jolty and if you do not read this piece very carefully then it's pretty much impossible to understand, and your grammar, while using nice formal words, is at times very hard to understand, and in a few places, it's totally incorrect!
I'll do my best to help you out with both of these problems (closely tied together as they are), but in the end you must remember that the hard work of actually sitting down and FIXING the problem is left up to you! As always! Don't let this review be in vain!
Okay, so here goes with your grammar! What I'm going to do here, as I usully do, is show you your basic, down- to -the -earth problems on the lowest level: Quotes. Then I'm going to give you fixes for the base problems, and I'll wind up this part of the review by giving you a general solution to your problem! Here goes!
We were put forth from the same lovers. So often that an inquisitive eye falls upon our likeness, yet forgets our fatal incompatibilities. It is possible I worry these into existence but it is as if they are palpable.
Okay, read this! Tell me if you, as a reader, not knowing what's going on, could read this here paragraph and understand what it means. The first part is confusing! Who are 'we'? How can you be 'put forth 'from' the same lovers'? In the second part of the paragraph you STATE that these people have 'fatal incompatibilities', and then you step forward and state doubt in the fact! 'It is possible I worry these into existence'. . . that doesn't make sense. If you want it to though, you should use third person to write the piece!
Where I try, or at least I hope I do, to speak rationally, but she chisels at my hopes for a better future together with her words and violence. I’d like to think she gave an agreeable amount of effort I do not see it, nor hear it, nor feel it like I do the undoubting pain.
Okay, again, you're not making sense. But this time it's partly because of your grammar. Again, you should read it out loud (doing that really does help to work out problems!). I think your 'where' should be 'when', but it would probably work as nothing -you should look into it! Also, you need a '. But' after the 'effort't here. You need to note that period espeicially!
How did we become so different, her outward bearing thorns and my easily marred complexion? We are of the same home, sex, and life. It is something I cannot overcome. Believe my words, for I have tried. I have quit, and I have succumbed.
Seeing as there are a number of things that I'm not very sure about in this piece, I thought I should just let you know that this paragraph makes me think that the two lovers the story is about are gay. . . . It may not have been your intention, but still! I thought you might just like to know! Also, the 'outward bearing thorns' part doesn't make sense, you should look into it!
I know that when I get comfortable and least expect it she’ll turn like old milk. The one thing that I will never know is if I love her, even better yet, does she love me?
Okay, this guy/ girl is sounding like a hypocrite because of the second part here. An idiot too. How could he/she not know! >> Insane! Work on it! Or at least realize it. Also, you need to put a comma in after 'comfortable' and 'it' in the first part!
Okay, I've proved that you do have a bit of a problem, I've fixed the basic problems that I've pointed out to you! And now I must generalize! I think your problem here is that you're using a really formal style and you're not familiar enough with it to be able to handle it. My prescription? Simple: Practice this style. Work with it. You know, practice makes perfect! Apply that!!!
Okay, so now for that final problem, before I wind up! Your theme is great and all, I love it how you show the guy/ girls doubt and timidity before his/ her lover. It's really well done. But you ahve a problem with the way you show it. Read it. The guy who wrote this (imagining it wasn't ficiton here) seems like he must have been really, really confused. I think I'm going to say that this is closely tied to your grammar problem. Infamiliarity with the style and topic. Try to plan out a bit. Try to understand where you're going and why!
Okay, so winding up! Good job! You did have a good theme, a good style, and despite your problems you did use formal style quite nicely. Not many people use it anymore and it's a nice thing to see around! Work on your weak spots, try to familiarize yourself with this style of writing, and this type of topic, practice, and you will improve! Remember, writers advance through practice of their craft. If you don't practice you won't improve. Workshops, books, and classes only get you so far, it's the practice that wins out! So Keep writing!
~Black~
Points: 11152
Reviews: 303
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