Anywhere but Down

I looked down into the foggy abyss wondering what it would be like to fall off the ledge. Would it be a good fall, full of suspense, or would it be short and terrifying? I’m not suicidal or anything, but I am, however, curious to a fault. 

I was on one of those tourist landmarks, where you look over a huge cliff with a railing right in front of you. I liked those kind of places because if you go on your own you can really think. I loved to think. I loved it to a fault.

Being curious and thinking too much was not an advantageous combination. Over the years, I’d gotten in a lot of trouble (with other people and with myself). That year was 1982. It was January, and I was fifteen. 

So I stood next to the railing, thinking and being curious. The metal bars were frigid, but I held onto one anyways. That day, I felt as if I might float away if I didn’t hold on to something. Sometimes I felt like that if I thought too much. It’s like I could’ve disappeared, or that I already had. It felt awful. It was that kind of feeling like I was just a ghost of myself walking around the living. It was depressing. 

“What are you doing?” A little boy squeaked behind me. 

He had shaggy brunette hair that was blowing all over the place, and a big, puffy winter coat. He reminded me of someone, but I wasn’t sure who. He was smiling, but had tears all over his face. He was eagerly looking right into my eyes, which creeped me out. 

I looked back at him for a while but then finally replied with an overly exaggerated annoyance, “Who are you? I mean, jeez, kid you really scared me. What are doing up here, anyways?”

“I asked you first.”

To that I just scoffed and looked back to the snowy mountains. “Why do you care? You don’t even know who I am.”

He just stood there. This kid must’ve taken me for a joke. All I wanted to do was stand and look over the railing. I mean this place is for tourists and at three o’clock in the morning I didn’t expect anybody to be there. 

“I’m not lost,” the little boy said, “I came here by myself.”

“You know what, great for you kid,” I spat. “Congrats, you’re a regular rebel. Does your mom even know you’re here? It’s pretty late for a kid like you to be out here.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think she really cares. I wanted to talk to someone.”

“Kid, you’ve got a death wish if you’re walkin’ ‘round the streets alone at this time of night.”

“So, maybe I do. Maybe that’s why I came here.”

“To kill yourself? Are you mental? I mean are you seriously crazy?”

“I don’t know,” he walked up next to me and looked over the railing. “I just don’t really like where I’m at right now.”

“Jeez, kid. You’re kind of mature, you know that? Like...what’s the word? Precocious. You’re downright precocious. But if you had any brains, you wouldn’t kill yourself. That’s just stupid.” I was curious about this kid now. I wanted to know everything. “Where are you at right now anyways?”

He looked at me again, right in my eyes. I crouched down so that he could be more comfortable. I thought I might’ve read somewhere that it’s easier for kids to talk when you’re at the same eye level as them.

“I’m at Crestview.”

“The boys’ home? What’s that like? I heard the kids there are pretty whacked ‘cause the lady who runs it is a total psycho.”

“I don’t really like it. My last home was better. It was in Chicago.”

“That’s pretty far from Maine. What’d you do for ‘em to send you all the way up here?”

“I got into a smart school here. I don’t like it very much. Everyone is older, and richer, and they all have families.”

“You mean Xavier Academy? You got into Xavier? But you’re like seven years old! I go there.”

Xavier academy was this crazy school for child prodigies and intelligent high schoolers. You see, it’d be a great school to go to if they didn’t just look the other way when rich kid’s parents pay their kid’s way in. I had just got into the place the year before, like all the other smart kids that weren’t child prodigies. It’s the kind of school where all the hallways have red carpet and crown molding. It can get annoying, but the girl’s part of the school was pretty nice. Yeah, they split up the boys and girls. 

“You do? Do you like it very much?”

“It’s okay. I mean all the kids there are just snobs, like in most private schools. It’s better than my old school, that’s for sure.”

“Did you go to public school?”

“No. I went to a private school in Connecticut.”

“Oh. I used to go to a public school. The teachers didn’t like me very much, and my house mom thought I was deceitful.”

“Why’d she think that?”

“Because I snuck out at night to take walks, and I got very good grades.”

“What do grades got to do with being deceitful?”

“She didn’t trust people who were smarter than her.”

With that, I stood back up and wiped my worn-out blue jeans off. I gestured for him to follow me, and he did. We walked around the ledge to the other side of the mountain. By now it was around four o’clock, and I wanted to see the sunrise. So I sat down, and he sat next to me. 

“What’s your name, kid?”

“Colby.”

“Okay, Colby, look over there,” I pointed straight ahead, and he looked. His profile was cute, but defined. He had this mesmerized look on his face, like the sun rising was something that only happened once in a century, and it was the most beautiful thing in the world. It made me sad that I didn’t feel that way anymore. It made me feel like I had lost the ability to be happy. I don’t mean happy like happy happy. I just mean happy like you see something beautiful and you just become engulfed in happiness. I felt like I needed a reason to be happy, and to me that’s not really happy.

“Why are you being nice to me?” Colby whispered.

“You remind me of someone.” Then, I remembered who. “My little brother. His name was Stanley. He was probably the nicest person I’ve ever known.”

“What happened to him?”

“He was shot. The guy meant to shoot my dad, but he missed and shot Stanley. My dad’s a senator, and the guy was a psycho protester. I didn’t really know my brother that well, I was your age when it happened.” 

I started to cry. I didn’t mean to, but all of the sudden tears started to form in my eyes. I tried to wipe them away, but they just kept coming. It was no use trying to stop them, they were determined. At last, I just stopped trying to get in their way. I cried hard, the sobs shaking my body. I didn’t care who saw. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” Colby got up, and started to walk away.

“Hey kid!” I managed to get out.

“I don’t want to make you sad. I’m sorry.”

I got up and ran after him. Once I caught up with him, I crouched down to his height. “There’s nothing wrong, I swear. Now stop being crazy and tell me why you were crying. I saw your eyes earlier, they were all puffy, and you had tears on your face.”

“I wasn’t crying.”

“But you were. I saw your eyes.”

He looked uncomfortable and unsure. “I guess I cried because I don’t really like it here. I don’t have any friends. All the kids at school are older than me.”

“Well I could be your friend.”

He smiled, and it was probably the best smile I’d ever seen. It was a real grin. It was pure. 

That year, Colby and I became best friends. I could tell him anything, and he would listen. He was like my little brother. That was the only thing in a long time that made me feel as if the world had a little sliver of hope. Colby, in my eyes was the future.I knew after talking to him for the first time he was going to be someone important someday. I couldn’t let him jump off that cliff. Not now, not then, and not ever.