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Young Writers Society



Anecdote Worthy Travels

by cj2344


We were finally at Disney World. I’d been waiting for this all year. I was sixteen at the time, and my parents let me and my sister, Caroline, go for a week with our cousin, Heather. Caroline was twelve, and of course didn’t have to pay for the trip like I did. The whole reason was that I was working at a small ice cream shop in Salem then. The owner was a beast, and I mean really, she was a piece of work.

Heather, well I mean she’s probably the only cool person in our family. She was twenty eight when we went. The three of us had about a million jokes.

The only condition of this trip was that we stayed with our retired family friend, Tom Bruin. I suspected my parents became friends with this man solely on the basis of his last name sense they were, and still are, avid Boston sports fans. If there was any other reason I was failing to find it. Tom was a real strange guy... I mean not in the way that you’re worried he watches you when you’re sleeping, but in the way that most older people are. Tom’s special breed of crazy was that he was clueless but at the same time had no filter on what he was saying. Not only had he expressed his undying love of Molly Ringwald when I was indulging in my latest T.V obsession, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” but he had aloofly screamed out “Are you guys cookin’ something? I smell shit!” when I was making bagel bites one night.

So far the trip was going well. I hadn’t had much luck with vacations all my life. When I was about seven years old my family traveled to Sweden and Norway. On that trip I caught Fitz Disease. On our family vacation to Aruba I was stung by a school of man-o-war jellyfishes while doing a handstand on Eagle Beach. When I went to France with school I was the only person whose luggage was lost on the plane. As you can see this has created a deathly fear of things going wrong while I am on a trip. Thankfully, this is not one of those stories.

Once we left the airport and checked out our rental car we headed to a chain store they have in Florida called “Public’s”. However, at this particular location at this particular time, the “L” in the big glowing sign was burnt out, so the sign said “Pubic's.” We had a good long laugh about this one. Maybe a little too long, actually.

If you think I haven’t told enough anecdotes by now, well you’re in luck because this story is leading up to the best one of all.

I felt as if Heather and I had a special connection, my being the oldest sister and all. At that point I was able to talk in a more adult context. This was always my advantage over my little sister. Her immaturity, even though it was mimicked from my behavior at that age, seemed wildly irritating. Whenever I talked to Heather I would try to show her my adult tendencies, like curse words, and inside jokes from shows like “Friends”, and “Will and Grace”. This to me seemed like the edge of grown up conversation.

“I heard mom is six years older than dad,” Caroline piped, wanting to be the orb of gossip.

“So what?” I asked, “Some people are a lot worse.”

Heather was doting and read the hurt expression on Caroline’s face. What a crybaby.

“Kate’s right, but your mom is a puma.”

Both of my sister and I looked confused.

“Well a cougar is a lady who dates a man much younger than her, right? So a puma dates guys that are like 5-10 years younger than her.”

We all burst out laughing at this. This was our new joke. Heather came out of this trip with a multitude of new nicknames. The Cougar, Buddha Belly, la la la la la la la la Cat Scratch, and the most mundane Heath. Of course this name had variations such as Heath Bar, Heathcliff, and Heath Ledger.

On Wednesday we visited Animal Kingdom. This was the hottest park out of all of them. The fact that it was August in Florida and it was overcrowded didn’t help either. The only thing I was looking forward to, other than the pool at Tom’s condo, was Everest. The best, most thrilling ride at Disney. It was a mountain roller coaster built around the myth of the yeti. I guess you could call me an adrenaline junkie because I love the thrill of a roller coaster almost as much as I love Zach Efron. I mean loved Zach Efron.

I was just hoping Caroline wouldn’t wimp out like she did the first night on rockin’ roller coaster.

On the way over we were stopped by a janitor who was sitting on a bench near the ride, clearly not doing his job. He asked Heather for the time. She politely told him that it was 10:24pm and he continued to talk to us.

“Oh, well, my name is Mavis. What’chu guys, like sisters or somethin’?”

“No, they’re sisters, but I’m their cousin,” Heather replied.

“I got a funny story about cousins. Well my friend was tellin’ me about this girl he found on the internet, Facebook or somethin’. He was buggin’ me to check out her page so we went on and at first I was like, damn that girl’s pretty hot, and then I was like, DUDE! THAT’S MY COUSIN!”

We laughed faintly then Heather made up some excuse for us to leave.

Although Mavis will forever be in our hearts, we had a fast pass that was about to expire.

We hustled along to the gates of Everest and jumped into the fast pass line, striding past all the common ride goers, feeling far superior. That is until we reached the line consisting of about ten people ahead of us.

Everest was a two person ride. This meant two of us could sit together, the third was exiled to sit with a random stranger. This ultimately meant my sister and I threw Heather under the bus and made her sit by herself.

As the last set of passengers wobbled out of the cars I anxiously tensed my hands and shoulders. We started to board the mine-cart looking ride, but were instructed to stop at the gates right next to it.

Here’s the most annoying thing about Caroline: when she’s nervous she doesn’t just have that emotion, she talks. A lot. I mean the really talks, and makes awful jokes as well. That and the fact she didn’t know cougar was a commonly excepted term made Heather the perfect target for her attention.

Heather had boarded next to a teenage boy who couldn’t have been much older than I was.

Caroline consequently started giggling to herself.

“What are you laughing at, munchkin?” she said in response.

“You’re such a cougar, Heather!” My sister laughed out, referring to our fellow passenger, who now looked mortified. Our cousin’s cheeks became maraschino cherries, blossoms of bright red blooming unto her skin. She was about to say something, but the harnesses lifted up and the robotic voice told us to take our seats. Once the ride was over, Heather had to explain loudly to my sister:

“COUGAR ISN’T JUST AN INSIDE JOKE, CAROLINE! PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!”

None of us could stop laughing that night.

PS. If you were to review this *masterpiece* (and I use the word loosely) of mine, please keep in mind that this was told from my sister's point of view, not mine, and that this story is based on true events.

Feedback that I would like to hear is what parts of the story drew you in/ took you out?

Do you think the voice of this character is strong enough?

Is the actual writing interesting?

Don't be afraid to put your brutally honest opinion out there for me to read (as long as you're courteous about it :) ).


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:55 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hello, cj!

I thought this was quite a cute story, it told a story of three relatives who seem really close and together. The inside joke thing was pretty funny, and I think the whole piece was quite good from the comical sides of things. Even though nothing that big actually happened, I still felt engaged through the whole thing while reading it so to answer your question, there were no bits which really drew me out and the writing is pretty interesting. I LOVE this line:

Our cousin’s cheeks became maraschino cherries, blossoms of bright red blooming unto her skin.


I have a few suggestions/critiques to make however:
-one problem I found with this is that okay so you're telling a true story which is a really cool thing to do! But the thing is this seems more like someone is speaking the story rather than writing it, and there really is a big difference! When writing a story, you really have to think more about the clarity. Even though you're putting yourself in someone else's shoes, you're not speaking like them, you're not even writing like them it's just that it's from their point of view so try and make it slightly less like they're speaking it.

-when I was reading the first chapter, I would've liked to have seen more about what going to disney world means to them. This might sound a bit silly, but maybe it's not really to do with the place and more that her sisters/cousins are going to be together going somewhere. So I'd like to see more about how they feel about going there, going with family- have they waited for this day for a while? Maybe they're not excited after all. Stuff like that would help build more of a back story.

-show don't tell! There were too many times when i was reading this where it felt rushed and thing were just told point blank rather than explained. It's fine that the narrator of this has an opinion of them, but the reader needs to make up their own mind about them. For example,
The owner was a beast, and I mean really, she was a piece of work.

Show that she was a piece of work, maybe the reader would then disagree about this. I think throughout you needed to show more of the characters. How they speak, talk about their actions and then you've got something to build upon.

-I don't think there was enough description in this piece, with characters or setting! Simple answer really, just maybe mention a little bit about their physical appearance, and then with the setting just talk about what the place looks like. Describe it how you want, but do something because right now I'm having a hard time picturing what's going on.

Overall, I really liked this! You've added humour in places which is great and I felt interested in it the whole time. I think it's hard to take on the POV of another person so I totally commend you for that, but just remember that it's not like it's them writing it, it's just their perspective. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x




cj2344 says...


thanks for the review, I'll try and work on it!



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Fri Aug 16, 2013 1:39 pm
racket wrote a review...



This was a good idea and you executed it fairly well. The problem I have with this piece is it moves too fast. It's basically called "Going to Disney" and you really don't describe the "Disney" part. Disney is basically all "magic and fun!" but it's really more rides and shows. Believe me, I've been there. You don't describe any of that. You say: "That is until we reached a line consisting of ten people ahead of us." You don't describe the line, you don't describe the ride, you don't describe anything else you did. You say that you made a lot of inside jokes, but you only tell one. The most interesting thing you thought worth writing about was a weird janitor. Disney has more than that. You could have told about the other parks separate from the Animal Kingdom. I'm a little disappointed. It's hard to find works that aren't novel chapters and don't have many others posting on it, and when I saw it was about Disney, a place I know so well, I got kind of hopeful. This was kind of a let down, but if you fix the things I'll tell you need to be fixed, it should be just fine. Things I liked:

#1. I love the idea of how you are writing from your sisters point of view, though it is a bit confusing.

#2. It's plainly projected how you feel about your sister and her feelings to you.

#3. The voice of the main character is projected perfectly. I can tell all her teenager-ly ways toward you.

#4. The writing is engaging enough. You might want to make it more fluid though, choppiness can hurt literature.

Things I don't like:

#1. The writing is very choppy in the beginning. I think there are too many commas when you're telling names. They could just be without the commas and it would sound just fine, because you end each sentence with a name. If you made longer sentences, the commas would be necessary.

#2. You don't describe events enough. You must have done more than just do Everest, right? That's the only thing you describe, and you don't tell enough anyways, just a short bit on the lines.

#3. I wish you described just a little what the people looked like. It would make the pictures in my mind less blurry.

#4. You don't tell enough about what's weird about the guy you're staying with, or how your parents met him. Now that I think of it, you don't tell how your family and just Heather went

That's enough, I think. I'll come and read it again when you've fixed things. Good idea though. This will be very interesting with some work.
~Racket




cj2344 says...


Thanks!



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Wed Aug 14, 2013 4:03 am
Equivocal wrote a review...



Now, to begin, if you have read my other reviews you will gather, easily I might add, that I do not concern myself with any grammatical errors, unless they affect the writing in such a way that it digress' the story, or your writing easily displays your ignorant mentality towards the importance of perfection in prose and as such forcing me to reprimand you for your neglect.

As such, I see no obvious errors in that regard, nor do I see any hindrances in the simplest regard to your story. I will tell you that, yes, though I find your story to be simple and contain an aura to it that could be construed as either your inability to be creative or your interest in your own story, or even your belief in the quality of your life, so much so, that it must be promulgated to this wide a dissemination. I do, however, believe that if there could be a little more rigidity and length to your story. Now, I say this because I feel that these anecdotes could be compiled to a grand length, and in response, then connected to form a coherent story which intertwines with other interesting affairs, though all connected through the life of a single girl.

So, in truth, I feel your story has potential. What you wish to do with it, is entirely up to you, and whether or not you wish to expand this story, or continue into another field of writing. I give you, but one final word of opinion, you are a talented writer and you must hone your writing through the greats. Take this as equivocally as you see fit, adieux, and good luck.




cj2344 says...


Thanks!



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You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender