Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
PROLOGUE
It was the first time that I’ve encountered a man such as he. He gave meblitzkrieg—an orgasm way beyond any adjective as a description. He was a man ofgigantic talent: his hands, his mouth and even his c*ck sure know what it’sdoing! I didn’t just curled my toe when I came, I screamed and cursed to myhearts content just to let out all the sinful lust I have tried to suppress for him.
A few weeks back, I was damn sure I will never want to be involved with a man like him: rich, famous and a man with this dark, mysterious aura surrounding him.
Although I must admit that the first time I laid my eyes on him during my job interview, all my senses are in full alert . With his lean body that showshow much time he spent on the gym(but doesn’t make him look like a bodybuilder), smell that is so masculine that would make any clit throb, and theway he moves that is so full of swag and a dangerous aura is too compelling. Iknow this is so wrong but what can I do? I am just a woman full of sensualityinside my body that wants to escape and taste all the goody in the world. I am Lauranna. This is me, and this is my story.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think anyone who reads this can only finish with a "wow". If writing erotica is your thing, that's fine, there's a whole market out there and people do make a lot of money making those sort of stories. The plot seems interesting, and Lauranna does seem like an intriguing character. I could easily see you writing a whole story about her. I'm also curious about who this man really is, very mysterious. Rape is also a touchy subject to write about, so I give you due credit for trying to tackle it.
So I think you have a good sense of direction. I would strengthen your writing, and the best way to do that is keep practicing, keep sharing stories, and read other stories to get a better sense of what a mature and published story looks like. The piece lacks a sense of maturity that only really comes with more experience.
You don't need to censor "cock" or any profanity by the way, that's what the content rating is for
Can i also give your rating/feedback a "wow?" hehehe. I am hoping to become a writer someday, erotic-romance writer more especifically. Thank you for appreciating my work.
I'll... just ignore the erotic theme that this story keeps shoving into my face. The grammar could use a little fine-tuning, especially in some areas. I'll explain later, 'cause custom dictates I point out the good stuff in this... piece.
I'd say you have a good sense of imagery and description, but in the case of erotic novels, the bar needs to be raised much, much higher than usual in order to... satisfy... the reader. It's always the little things that matter when it comes to this genre of writing.
As for the grammar, it's definitely seen a lot of better days when it comes to this story. I won't point out too many of these examples, but I'll give you a little briefing on them. Here are three of the bad-apple lines that demonstrate what I'm talking about.
"His hands, his mouth and even his c*ck sure know what it’sdoing!"
...Let's get this over with. There are three subjects to this last sentence, making it a compound subject. The contraction "it's" should thus be changed into its plural variation to match the subject: "they're".
"Although I must admit that the first time I laid my eyes on him during my job interview, all my senses are in full alert ."
A very common mistake. The word "laid" is in the past tense while the verb "are" is in the present tense. Since the two words are in the same thought, both of them have to coincide in terms of tenses. I'd suggest changing "are" to "were".
"A few weeks back, I was damn sure I will never want to be involved with a man like him: rich, famous and a man with this dark, mysterious aura surrounding him."
I'll save you the lengthy explanation: Replace "will" with "would".
That's it! I hope you'll keep working on your style and I expect to write a much better review on one of your works in the [hopefully near] future! Until then, I'll say good-bye.
Regards,
Gummy~
wow! Thank you so much for the elaborate comment/ feedback. I would definitely be more careful next time.hehehe. While reading your comment, I can't help myself but grin since grammar is really my weakness. Thanks again!