Soulmate in the midnight Darkness (chapter one)

by christine8281

Published November 28, 2013

16+ Language Violence

In Soulmate in the Midnight Darkness (story)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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It was 6:07 p.m. on the dot and I had been sitting here in my room reading for the past three hours. I heard something crash against the wall outside my room, I then heard my father; Arian, yell something at my mother; Janette. Something crashed again. I sighed and put the bookmark in my book and then placed it on the shelf above my head. I crept over and opened my bedroom door to see a broken picture frame in shards at my feet. It was the picture of the vacation to Hawaii that we had gone onto. This was before the fighting had started, back when they were just an average, happy family. That was before my elder brother; Jace, had died. Everything had gone downhill from there. Mom had slumped into a deep depression and dad, well there's not much you can say about that; he blames mom. It wasn't her fault, she wasn't there when it happened; but I was, I saw the whole thing happen.

~back to that night....

It wasn't more than three months ago that this had happened. We were on our way back from a party at Jace's girlfriends' house. It was me, Jace, Richi, and Adrian. We were in the car jamming to music that was playing on the radio. It was real foggy out; it had been raining all night. We stopped at Adrian's house first. He waved goodbye as he got out. We backed out of his driveway and headed for Richi's next. We turned into his driveway and let him out.

"Alright Raven, what do you say we go and get some smoothies before we head home?" Jace asked me.

"Sure," I mumbled. Looking out the window, I saw a few cars pass. Not many people were out on a Sunday night. We got to Sandy's Smoothies and turned in. We went through the drive-thru; I got a chocolate shake and Jace got a mango smoothie. He started to pull away from Sandy's when some idiot backed out in front of him, causing him to spill the smoothie in his lap.

"What were you thinking?!" Jace yelled at the driver in front of us. He bent down and reached for the glove department for the napkins. He looked back up and I saw him try and reach for the door, I thought he was going to yell at the driver, but the driver was looking over to the side of the car, yelling something . Ash was yelling something at me but I never got the chance to hear what he was yelling; all I felt then was a sudden pain.

I awoke in a brightly lit, white room. I looked to my left and noticed my favorite flowers (moon lily's) sitting in a vase of water. They were in full bloom so it must have been night outside, I noticed. I looked to my right to see my mom lying against the bed. She looked exhausted, I wandered why she was here. I then noticed that I wasn't in my room, I was in a hospital room. I looked down at my arm, there was an IV coming from it, leading to a drip. I examined myself; I didn't seem to have anything broken. Sure I was a little sore and had some scratches, but that was about it. Why am I in here? What had happened...

Janette stirred and sat up abruptly.

"Raven..." she whispered as if in a dream. "Raven! Arien come quick, she's awake!" she yelled towards an open door, leading to somewhere in the hospital. My father walked in and about collapsed when he saw me.

"Oh hunny, thank god you're awake; we thought you weren't going to wake up." I looked between the two, confused. "You've been in a coma for four weeks. Do you know where you are?"

"Um...in a hospital?"

"Do you remember anything that happened?" Janette asked. I remembered coming home from the party with Jace and then stopping at Sandy's for smoothies.

"We stopped at Sandy's after the party and got smoothies....someone pulled out in front of Jace and made him spill his smoothie in his lap. He got out of the car and then..um..." I couldn't remember what happened next, everything from there on was blurry.

"Don't push yourself, you don't have to remember ri-"

"Where's Jace?" I asked looking at my father, my mother's face fell and she started crying. "Where's Jace?" I said, a little more forcibly, sitting up.

"Raven...Jace was in the car with you, when the truck hit you."

"Truck? What truck; I don't understand, there wasn't a truck! Just the car in front of us.."

"No, the guy that cut out in front of you saw the whole thing. He was the one who reported it. He accidentally cut you off, and then the truck that was behind you, couldn't stop in time and rammed the back of the car."

"Jace..." I said, putting my hand over my mouth, sobbing.

"Jace, didn't make it..." my father said, putting his head in his hands.

~~~~~~

I heard a chair fall over, it knocked me back into reality, away from the horrible memory. I noticed my mother sitting on the couch. My father blamed her for his death because she was the one who let us go to the party. I grabbed her phone and ran out of the house, ignoring my mothers' shouts of protest. I ran down to the river, it was a place where I could just get away from everything. Fog had just started to roll in with the breeze of twilight. The eeriness of the docks at night had never bothered me before, but something about tonight was different. I walked over and sat down on one of the plastic chairs.

BZZZ BZZZZ

I about jumped out of my skin. I immediately put a hand to my back pocket, it was just my phone. I let out a breath that I hadn't even realized that I had been holding. My mom had sent me a text saying 'come back, we won't yell anymore.'

"Not likely," I said aloud. I flipped my phone open and texted back, 'be home later'. I needed some quiet time, to be by myself.

*I need to get my nerves under control, jumping over a stupid pho-*

Something splashed in the water across from the dock. I got up and went to the edge of the dock, trying to get a better view of whatever it had been. I saw a duck gliding across the water.

*Okay this was getting pathetic* I was just a tad bit too jumpy for my own good. I decided that I was going to go down to the lower part of the river and skip rocks. As I turned around I bumped into a large form and fell over. I backed myself up against the railing and looked up. He had long black hair with grey streaks down to his shoulders. His eyes were grey with a burst of blue in them. He looked to be around my age; somewhere near seventeen or eighteen.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you..." he said bending down, stretching a hand out to help me up.

"I can get up just fine by myself thank you." I said pushing myself up from the ground, embarrassed.

"Okay," he said, standing back up. He put his hands up as if to say ' I mean no harm.'

"Well?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"Who are you?"

"Oh! My name is Ash, I just moved into one of the river lot's down here; and again I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine. Well, I should be getting back now. See ya." I didn't trust this guy at all. There was something off about him. I turned around and started walking away.

"Wait." he said, grabbing my arm. Suspicions confirmed, I tried to yank my arm away, but his grip only tightened. He wasn't letting go.

"Let go of me." I said meeting my hazel eyes with his grey.

"I'm not going to hurt you." he said.

I scoffed. "Yeah right! I'm sure Jack the Ripper said that to his victims too." I yelled at him. *I'm pretty sure I could get a good kick in and make a run for it*

"I wouldn't try that if I were you." he said

"Try what?" I asked. *what the hell?*

"kicking me, it would only hurt you" he said with a smirk on his face.

"Would you cut that out!" I yelled at him.

"Cut what out?" he asked. *oh as if he didn't know.*

"You very well know what I'm talking about. Stop it with all the mind reading crap. Oh and you are not very good at hiding what you are." I said.

"Hmm...really? You think you know what I am?" He got this creepy look in his eyes. "Okay, go ahead guess, but I was telling you the truth when I said that I would not harm you. I promise. Now, go ahead...guess what I am."

Comments & reviews · 2

TheNeoAceofAll wrote a review Review · Nov 30, 2013

Ok, first the boring, edit stuff that can be fix in a matter of seconds.
A couple times you used a semicolon where there should have been a comma. Despite being grammatically correct, it can break up the flow. For example, if you want to pause to name someone you only need a comma, not a semicolon. Just remember, I semicolon is like a mix of a comma and a period and normally is used to break up two similar ideas in a sentence.

A few times your fluidity was broken up. I.E- "Ash was yelling something at me but I never got the chance to hear what he was yelling; all I felt then was a sudden pain." You don't need the second "yelling".

"They were in full bloom so it must have been night outside, I noticed."- The "noticed" is unneeded and breaks up the flow.

A couple more but nothing too serious.

Big stuff
Ok, I did like the story and where it was going. the tragicness of Ravens brother make the character more real. I liked the parents blaming fighting over it. It is very realistic and you do a good job portraying it. One thing I did not like was how fast you transitioned from flashback to her being down at the docks. I had to reread it to understand what you did. Perhaps a quick scene of her sneaking out would help the reader understand the transition. Also, I felt her reaction was not very natural to the guy grabbing her. Maybe spice up the dialog with a little more fear. I wouldn't be making a joke if I thought I was in danger. However this is just my opinion. Overall, good work and nice story :)

User avatar
leilamuir
Review
leilamuir wrote a review Review · Nov 29, 2013

First, let me say that I think this is really good. It's probably one of the best chapters I've read tonight. Second, there were a couple mistakes.


"I sighed and put the bookmark in my book and then placed it on the shelf above my head."

Some writers aren't as picky about this as I am, but run-on sentences drive me insane! I'm very peculiar when it comes to writing, but I would suggest using commas instead of so many 'ands'.

I didn't really see any spelling errors. I'm confused as to what tense you're using. Sometimes it's speaking in present tense and in other parts in in past tense. I'd watch out for that.

I'm sorry I'm picking you apart. :(
But, I think this is really good and I hope you expand on this story! :)

thank you for the advice on that part, I honestly didn't know how I should word that though, so I did the best I could. And expanding already done lol all I have to do is type it and put it up on the website. I have been working on this book for the better part of 5 years and I'm almost done! :) Just a few tweaks here and there and there we go! Keep reading! I should have a few more chapter up tonight if I can do some reviews and get some more points.



Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier