Published September 21, 2009
The blue bird flies
Why does it get to fly
Why am I stuck in unhappiness
When the world comes crashing down
Why can't I fly then
Why does the blue bird fly
What does it fly from
Can it even understand pain
Can it even understand fear
Does it cry
When it flies
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140,846 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer, and I've a question to ask 'Why so many question?' Because that's all this is constant questions, which aren't even looked at, examined, analysed or put well. And it doesn't sound philophical or even that well done.
Now on to the poem, a bird is overused, from the poem contriveness a Pyrodactle would have worked just as well. A poem asking questions isn't a poem unless you actually try to answer them. Think of it much like you trying to understand rather than throwing out questions.
See the question at the beginning could be easily worked on
"Staring into the azure sky,
seeing a blue bird free
as can be, flying high
above. It just makes
ask why am I stuck
in perpetual sadness."
Then you'd begin to work on answering or explaining situation with next stanza. I'm guessing this is your first poem, so I'll leave on this note. Read more poetry, and understand a poem needs to at least try answer the question and cut them down.
Hope this helps.
VSN
This is a really simple piece of poetry which i did like.
All the advice i can give you is make the poem a little longer as there was no real building of emotions to a climax.
Also widen your descriptions. I know your going for a short powerful poem but there is nothing that really stands out or is original in here.
Aaaaah what I would give to fly. I like what you're trying to do here, but it all seems very bland. You have a good basic foundation though. Try making it more exciting with use of adjectives. For example, "Why am I stuck in unhappiness." Think of a more exciting word than "unhappiness." I constantly flip through my thesaurus when writing poetry!
I love the ending, however, I find it a bit repetitive with the "can it even understand..." But the last two lines make the poem end fabulously! Good job.
This is okay. In a way it is a refeshingly simplae peice with a intresting message and good flow.
But it also a bit of a wallow post. Your just feeling sorry for yourself.
Not that interesting
I really liked this, it read refreshingly simple.
It was not a rhyming poem and it sounds like the sharacter is thinking and wondering how blue birds fly and to where when they are gonig through a tough time. Though it was really well written.
A compendium of good last-lines for poems is not, in itself, a particularly good poem.
What is left unsaid are the circumstances- why are you unhappy? Why is the world crashing down? What are you aching to fly from?
You have much of the scaffolding in place- a strong metaphorical idea and some simple but potentially powerful language. But the casualty to all these wonderful questions is the poem itself. With real description and background to these thoughts, they will gain meaning. Currently they are empty, dead upon the page. Oh, and to all these questions, I add one more; Where did the question marks go?
***
Let me also mention that "Something I Totally Drummed Up" is not a title that inspires confidence in the poem. If you post work on this site that you just "drummed up", then expect people to just "drum up" their critiques as well. The time you invest in your work will be reciprocated in our responses.
This is a strange piece of poetry, no doubt. Obviously, the character is going through a hardship and is enviously viewing a blue bird's freedom. I think that you could maybe make the words just a little less basic, no offence meant. And try to also use more description. What I mean is that sure, you can understand that the character is going through hardship, but it isn't expressive enough. It doesn't tell us his clear emotions, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but he could be feeling trapped, angry, depressed, anything. Sorry if I wasn't much help. Write on dude.