Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
what a cold boyfriend. :p
This is a beautiful poem. The only thing I can really say about it is that it kind of bugs me when each line starts with a capital letter even when it's not the start of a new sentence or a proper noun. To be honest, that little bit kind of irritated me throughout the poem, though I loved the words themselves.
Two lines saved this poem:
"She hates him for this,
But loves him for everything else."
Those two lines pack a big punch. Personally. I'd literally just have that be the poem. Everything else is unnecessary. "She hates him for this, but loves him for everything else." Say it out loud. It's the entire essence of the poem. This isn't a story, you don't need to set the scene with all that extra stuff. You need to be precise. You need to convey as much as you can with the least amount of words and that does it. I wish I could have written those two little lines, but, alas, I didn't. Trash the rest of it.
If you'd like an explanation as to why you should trash everything else keep reading....
WHY YOU SHOULD TRASH THE REST OF THIS POEM:
1) We know what Plan B is, but if we didn't those two lines reveal what happened. And the target audience for this poem understands what happened.
2) The readers imagination is more powerful and provoking than what you wrote.
3) Your diction is too young. This doesn't mean you're a bad writer, this is just something that comes with age, reading a lot, and building your vocabulary. It's always tricky when a kid goes after an adult topic (and don't be offended by me calling you a kid, because I'm actually treating you like a writer and an equal). You simply don't have the right words for it. YET.
"sit." "silent." "scared." "lies" "feelings" "fears" "messed up" "gulps" "it's all over" "thoughts"...These are childish words. They offer no substance. Rather than sit, "perch." instead of silent, "still", "motionless,""unmoving", "unable to speak" instead of scared "anxious", "shocked," "terrified." "horrified", "petrified...etc.
One idea is to just cart around a thesaurus and a dictionary and refine your diction.
But if you insist on NOT being brilliant, I guess I don't really have a say.
Cheers,
YATTA!