Young Writers Society

I'm not the best at writing or critiquing songs but I'll see what I can do...

You Knew [Not the most interesting of titles but as far as song titles goes, it's good.]

I thought we were perfect,
I thought it was meant to be.
I thought this was forever,
But now I really see.[I think this first stanza needs to be better. I'd love to see this song start off quiet and sad and then build up to the heavy rock chorus. Maybe something more poetic and pretty like

'I thought your hand fit mine;
as seamless as the split
between the land and sky.
As perfect as your wit
that passed me by:
you knew. You knew that I was wrong.]

You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me.
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in. [I really like this as a chorus. It's simple but effective and the tune's really strong. Good work.]

And now I’m standing on the top of the building,
Just looking at the people below,
I’m wondering why you did it, [I think you need to add another line here. A lot of your stanzas are very short and also, this doesn't quite flow into the next. Maybe 'What was it worth to you?']
You may have sun but I got the snow.

I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You’ve just made me sad. [I think this stanza needs re-writing. It's weak and doesn't really add to the story. Maybe actually describe the good times a little. 'Dancing on the side-walk' or 'Drinking in the summer views' just something to add a little more narration to it because every song needs to tell a story.]

You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me.
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in.

I’m taking my step towards the edge,
I know now the work is done.
You can't hurt me anymore,
The venom is off your tongue. [I like the half rhyme with done and tongue. I think that works well but I think 'work is done' sounds a little cliché so maybe you could edit that a little to give more of a feeling that she's ad enough.]

I know,
You’ll always regret this,
I know,
Why you did it to me.
I didn’t,
Tell you.
I just let you believe. [Your character might understand but your reader doesn't. This last stanza is very unclear. What did she let him believe? What didn't she tell him? And where's the ending? Does she kill herself? As it is the song seems to just stop with her standing on the edge and I'm not sure if that works. It needs to be longer. Sing it to yourself and time it and you'll find it's shorter than you think.]

Overall, I think this has potential but it needs improvements. It sounds like the sort of song that people would listen to but sometimes that's not enough. It needs a little more substance and it needs a clear story, your audience needs to know these characters and you only have so many lines with which to introduce them so think carefully. Sorry I can't be more helpful but I hope this gives you some ideas,

Heather xx

Choco!

Here's a crit for your song

Hmmm, I liked your imagery when you wrote about standing on top of a building and all that. In this part here:

And now I’m standing on the top of the building,
Just looking at the people below,
I’m wondering why you did it,
You may have sun but I got snow.

I thought we were perfect,
I thought it was meant to be.
I thought this was forever,
But now I really see.

You knew,
Right from the beginning,
You knew,
What you’d do to me. [Now what did he do?]
You didn’t,
Give a clue,
You just let me in.

I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You’ve just made me sad.

I’m taking my step towards the edge,
I know now the work is done.
You can't hurt me anymore,
The venom is off your tongue.

I know,
You’ll always regret this,
I know,
Why did it to me.
I didn’t,
Tell you.
I just let you believe.

This is very good! You showed the emotion very well. Here are sosme parts I wasn't so crazy about:

I can remember,
The good times we had.
I knew I meant it,
You've just made me sad.

I know,
You'll always regret this,
I know,
Why you did it to me.
I didn't,
Tell you.
I just let you believe.