This is just something I wrote in a few minutes. I'm not very please with the ending.
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Sitting at a desk,
The room is empty.
You are the only soul,
The paper your only friend.
But you don’t like the paper,
It’s not spilling the blood.
Instead it’s spilling the words,
The words you want to keep hidden.
If people find out they will think you crazy,
They’ll lock you up and make you stop.
The people don’t understand your ways,
They think it’s a bad habit.
They don’t want you to hurt yourself,
They tell you it’s stupid.
You’ve been to their places before,
All blunt and white.
But you escaped,
You ran far, far away.
You’ll never go back,
They can’t make you.
If they come for you, you can run,
Just like you did before.
Nobody understands,
That you are an emo.
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I'm not an emo, but I don't get what's so bad about emo poetry. That's what most of my poetry is, anyway.
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I see you like structured poetry a lot. I mean, every stanza in your poem is:
It's a pattern that's very easy to understand and follow...though, to tell you the truth, the one you've used in this poem is not too interesting. I suggest that if you want to try to write emo poetry like the one you just wrote, uuse a much more intriguing structure, and if you want to do a simple one--use a metaphorical one. Like, one time, I read this really intriguing poem that was in the structure of a dagger. (Here's a tip to poetry: the less space to write, the better you write. That means that you got to set a certain theme, not only freewrite from the beginning to the end.)
Using the pattern you did is also a trap for grammar mistakes.
Examples:
"If people find out they will think you crazy,
They’ll lock you up and make you stop." (The comma produces a fragment.)
"You’ve been to their places before,
All blunt and white." (Is "you" all blunt and white or "their places"?)
"Nobody understands,
That you are an emo. " (This one just doesn't flow.)
Also, I actually am fond of another form of emo poetry--gothic poetry. Now this is the epitome of the kind of emo poetry I am not that fond of. Why?
These are all cliches, and not really well-written cliches--you just put them there with no relevance, no link, and no real emotion, what this poem lacks.
Here's a haiku a good friend of mine wrote (emo, by the way, and proud):
a bird flies away,
black as the tv set that
will never turn off.
Will you call this emo? I will. It really does put the emotions of depression into two meanings: emptiness and knowing nothing will ever get better.
If you need any more help or if you don't understand my crit, please PM me.
I liked this! It was well-written and understandable, and just good. Your imagery was nice, and I liked what I saw in my head.
And, I agree with you on the emo poetry bit. I don't see what can be so bad about it - it is after all sometimes a good read - although it can sometimes be annoying, so who really knows?
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
"If people find out they will think you crazy,
They’ll lock you up and make you stop."
Should be you're.
"Nobody understands,
That you are an emo."
huh? I really don't get how you throw in that they are emo at the end. It really does fit well in the poem, in my own opinion. But I guess people who are emo are kind of pursued and made fun of and stuff. So I guess it's ok. All together, I thought it was pretty good.
Good Luck!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay