Train Station

Hmm... Its a little to repetitive for me.
Maybe you should find some way of adding it together instead of repeating it.

like this :

I’m sitting at a train station

The hectic mother and her kids push past
the stern business man steps past
the bubbly group of girls glide past
the old man on his walker hobbles past
the quiet group of Asians tiptoe past
the boys and their skateboards whiz past
the train comes. Everyone boards.
The hectic mother and her kids push
The stern business man steps
The bubbly group of girls glide
The old man on his walker hobbles
The quiet Asians tiptoe
The boys and their skateboards whiz

I’m sitting at a train station

Or something
God work!
Keep playing with it

I don't know if "I'm sitting at a train station" is necessary at either the beginning or the end. It doesn't fit much with the rest of the poem, and the reader can glean the train station part from the title.

This poem doesn't seem to say alot. It appears to just be a list of people who happen to be at a train station. This is okay if there is some kind of connection between them, but here, there seems to be none.

Image wise, the use of language is nice, but the images are very cliche and stereotypical in regards to the groups of people they're describing. Obviously, I know, skateboards whiz and older people often hobble, but do Asian people always have to be quiet (none of the Asian people I know are) and do groups of girls always have to be bubbly?

Beginning every line with "the" becomes tiring after a short while.

Here, you have a decent outline for what could develop into a good poem. Expand and experiment; I'd like to read it if you do.

-Amelia

...This is just a list. You have a few decent images that, with improved wording, could be extrapolated as part of a different poem, but this in its own right... no. A list is not a poem. There wasn't even a pleasing structure and rhythm, or a point to be made--it was just you listing off things you saw.

This poem demonstrates that you are quite capable of being coherent and following a pattern, so good job. I'd take it any day over jumbled, fragmented emo poetry. That said, it has a large fault in that it's mostly description and doesn't seem to...mean much.

Meaning. The poem has a well-defined setting and subject, but what does it mean? What is the significance of all these images? Do the people represent something important? Can we learn from their actions? Does the speaker have an opinion about these people he/she sees in the train station? Is being in a train station important?
You might want to focus on just one of the people/groups. Develop him/her/them. What do/does he/she/they look like? Where do you think he/she/they are going? Do the things the speaker observes about this person or group make him/her realize something?
Of course, it's a bad idea to just blurt out "This is what my poem means!" at the end of it. It's difficult, but if you read and analyze a lot of good poetry, you'll learn a lot about subtly (key word: subtly) incorporating a message or meaning.

Diction and stereotypes/overused phrases. The descriptions of the people/groups seemed a little predictable and stereotyped. The HECTIC mother, STERN businessman, BUBBLY girls, etc. Even the verbs: An old man HOBBLES with his walker. Instead of using descriptions we see all the time, why not describe a person in an unexpected way?
Again, I recommend pulling out one of these people or groups and focusing specifically on him/her/them. Maybe the speaker sees a businessman who seems stern and well, businesslike, but then he surprises the speaker by doing something un-stern or fun!

Punctuation. It's healthy. Use it.

Good job and keep working!
-Colleen [/i]

Okay, first off if you're going with the whole repetition thing you have to be consistent. I think it's just the one line but it still annoyed me -

bubble group of girls See. This needs to be bubbly group of girls.

Other than that, it's not my sort of poem with too much repetition and a lack of punctuation and imagery but it's kind of cute. It puts me in mind of a children's poem or story like 'In the dark dark woods there was a dark dark house and in the dark dark house there lived two skeletons' or however that story goes. I'm sure you get the idea.

hmmm... a little too fragmented for my tastes. I think what it needs is punctuation at the end of each line, to make it more cohesive. If it all comes out in one breath, the effect of the last line is lost. You did have a couple typos in there; read it through carefully and pick them out, then add some punctuation. Other than that, I like the idea quite interesting, and the variety of images presents the bustle of the station nicely. Again, the only thing that jumps out to me as heeding it is the lack of punctuation, because of the all-one-breath issue I mentioned. Anyway, good job; keep working on this one, polishing it up and all that.

~sworddance

(omg! that has to be the shortest reviewing post I've ever posted *falls off chair* That means something, but I don't know what...)