Chapter 1- Alex and Paris
Alexandria Texan stood in front of the mirror and brushed her thick, jet-
black hair. The 13 year-old wasn’t known to be, pretty or popular, but she
sported bright green eyes that you couldn’t miss. She had quite dark skin, and was quite tall. And, for some reason, not many people seemed to call
her Alexandria, but everybody shortened her name a different way.
“Hurry up Dria.” Alexandria’s older sister, Paris, called from outside the
bathroom.
“Almost done.” Alexandria called back, giving herself one last look and
walking out.
“Finally.” Paris said angrily as Alexandria passed.
Alexandria rolled her eyes and walked into her bedroom. Grabbing her bag,
Alexandria slipped her shoes on and waited in the hallway. Paris was 3
years older than Alexandria, but she was the ‘good one.’ As well as being
very responsible, Paris was absolutely breath-taking, with red curls that
cascaded down her back and green eyes that were even brighter than her
younger sisters. She was an actress, and had been for two years. She was
quite famous, and people on the street knew her name. When Paris came
out of the bathroom 15 minutes later, the sisters walked down to the local
shopping centre. Even with their differences, the two were very close.
“I’m going to check out Dotti.” Alexandria said when they arrived.
Paris nodded. “I’m going to Myer. We’ll meet at the cinema in an hour.”
Alexandria nodded and headed for Dotti. She looked through the latest
clothing ranges, and eventually bought a denim mini-skirt and a pair of
earrings. Then she headed for the food court where she had a quick snack.
When she arrived at the cinema, Paris was waiting.
“Hey Dria.” Paris said, waving as Alexandria walked over.
“Hey.”
Alexandria sighed as a girl her age came up to Paris.
“I saw you featured in Dolly,” she said. “You looked so cute. I wish I could
afford that dress you were wearing.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I loved the shoot.”
The girl nodded and smiled, not leaving. Alexandria stood behind her.
“Well?” She said, momentarily frightening the girl.
“Well what?”
Alexandria crossed her arms and scowled. “Are you going to move?”
“Why should I?”
“Because I want to talk to my sister.”
“That’s your sister? No way, Paris Texan is not your sister.”
“Yes, she is. Move out of the way or she’ll have one less fan.”
The girl rolled her eyes and walked away. Alexandria walked over to Paris
and out her hands in her pockets.
“Sorry about that,” Paris said. “She just came up to me and started talking.”
“Whatever. Let’s just go.”
Paris nodded and they walked over to the ticket counter.
“Paris Texan!” the guy behind the counter exclaimed. “What movie would
you like to see? The ticket’s on me.”
Paris giggled. “Stick It please.”
“Alright, that’ll be $11 thankyou.”
“Wait, you said you were paying, even thought I don’t know you.”
“Yeah, I am. I’ll pay for your ticket Miss. Texan, but your friend here will
have to pay her own way.”
Paris opened her mouth to object, but Alexandria handed over the money
and grabbed the tickets. They walked away and into the dark cinema.
“That was so rude.” Paris said.
“Just forget it Par, I’ll live.”
“But Dria-.”
“Forget it. We’re here, seeing the movie. I’m fine.”
Paris sighed and nodded.
When they got home, Alexandria retreated to her bedroom and sat at the
computer. She opened up her diary, that was on word, and started typing.
Dear Diary,
I’m really annoyed. Paris and I went to the movies today, and it was so
bad. The movie was okay, but I’m sick of all the attention Paris is getting.
Just as I was about to talk to her, this girl comes up and starts talking
about how great she is. Then, the guy who sold us the tickets, paid for
Paris’s ticket, but made me pay for my own. I HATE this! Why can’t I be
pretty? I’m just the trouble-maker, the bully, the tough kid who no one
likes. Paris likes me, so why can’t everybody else? And why does Paris get
everything? Can’t anybody cut me some slack. It’s always, ‘Paris was in
this, Paris got that.’ Then it’s, ‘Alexandria did this, Alexandria got this many
detentions, Alexandria was mucking around.’ It’s not fair and I HATE it! I
just want a normal life with normal problems. Not a model sister who people
recognize on the streets. I don’t want to be me.
Alexandria.
Alexandria saved the changes to the very long document and closed it.
“Hey, Alex, are you in there?” Alexandria’s other sister, India asked from
behind the door.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
India opened the door and leaned against the frame. India was 17, and in
year 11. She had bright blue eyes and black hair that went to just below the
shoulders. She was tall, towering above Paris, who was also quite tall, and
Alexandria. India was very intelligent, and got a full scholarship to a private
school that offered her the best.
“How are you Alex?”
Alexandria shrugged. “I’m alright.”
India rolled her eyes and sighed. “Alex, I know you don’t like all the
attention Paris gets, so don’t lie to me.”
Alexandria sighed and sat on her bed. “You’re right. I love Paris, but it’s
not fair. Why can’t I have normal life? Without a famous sister?”
India sat beside Alexandria and but her arm around her shoulders. “I’m
sorry Alex, I know it’s hard, but you’ve just got to live through it.”
“I guess, but it’s still not fair.”
“I know Alex, but we have to put up with it. She’s been acting since she was
14, and she’s gained a lot of fame. There’s really nothing we can do.”
“Whatever. I guess I’ll live.”
“Yeah, you will.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This, my friend, is what one would call an "information dump." Beyond the hair is too much and you really don't need the rest of the paragraph.
Quick grammar rule: When someone talks, and afterwards you give their name or use speech tags, it's a comma at the end of the person's speech, before the closing quotation marks. The exception to this rule is questions and exclamations.
Adverb needs to go bye-bye. (angrily)
Another info dump. Take out all the physical description and age. Leave in the actress stuff and the "when Paris came out of the bathroom" part.
"She" should be lowercase, and nix momentarily.
"Very long" in there seems kind of unnecessary. Nix it.
Comma after India.
Another info dump. Get rid of everything except the first sentence.
I imagine you mean "put."
I noticed one fatal flaw with your characters: Paris seems a little too perfect. She's just not all that believable. Your other characters have the same problem, but not as prominently. And this might just be because this is the very first chapter, so I wouldn't sweat that just yet.
Overall, you've got some good ideas here. The emotions are believable, the situation is realistic and not too clichèd. Good work, keep at it.
-Saint Razorblade
This isn't my usual sort of story and there wasn't a lot of action but it's well written and inserting the diary so that we can see Alexandrias real thoughts is a good idea. I think it a little strange that India didn't go to the cinema with them and you waited a long time to introduce her. Perhaps the other two could mention her on their way to the cinema.
Other than that, your punctuation is a little off in places but the only mistake of any size I found was near the end -
Here, you're missing a word. Insert 'a' after 'have.'
Hm, good! I like the way you don't make Alexandria out to be perfect; she feels jealous over her sister's fame and all. When's there going to be more of this?
On a side note: you only need one line between your paragraphs and dialogue, not two. But points for doing the spacing anyway!
Your dialogue is good and accurate, but perhaps you go into a bit too much detail in places? Like when Alex goes shopping, you say zigackly what she bought. I don't know, perhaps that's alright, and it's just me.
-Twit