I know this chapter is shorter, but I wasn't really sure what else to add.
“Here’s the album,” Ray says to me, handing me the new 50 Cent
album. “Just have it back to me on Monday.”
I nod. “Thanks so much. This will save me loads of money.”
“That’s cool. It’s a really good album.”
I put it in my locker and take out my books for our next class.
“Bye.” I smile as my friends pull me away.
“Do you like him now?” Carmen demands. It’s like she’s determined for me
to go out with Ray.
I laugh. “No Carmen. I don’t. He’s just a friend, like you guys.”
Carmen sighs. “Well, I’ll keep trying. What did he give you anyway?”
“The new album he promised he’d lend me. Why?”
“Just wondering.”
“Let’s get to class,” Bianca cuts in, and we start walking up the stairs to
Drama.
Drama is a pretty good lesson. We have a really fun teacher, and she’s
always getting us to do role plays. I don’t love acting, Ms. Jackson makes it
really fun.
“Ok, we’re going to start off with a small scene. I want Raymond and
Karaleen to come here quickly, and I’ll tell you what to act out. The
audience has to figure out the scene.”
I stand up and walk over to Ms. Jackson with Ray.
“Now, what’s going to happen is, Kara, you’ve just found out Raymond has
been cheating on you, and you’re confronting him about it. Raymond, you
know that Kara’s been cheating on you, but you haven’t said anything
about it.”
We nod and glance at each other. How embarrassing! We’ve never even
gone out, and now we have to pretend we’ve cheated on each other.
“Alright you two, start.”
I bite my bottom lip and stand in front of Ray, as if I’m sizing him up, even
though he’s loads taller than me.
“How could you?” I ask dryly.
Ray laughs a bit. I stop biting my lip, and louder I say, “How the hell could
you?”
Ray raises his eyes from my lips to my eyes.
“How could I…?”
I chuckle lightly. “You know what I’m talking about. Girls talk.”
“And you think guys don’t?”
I drop my head and play with my hands. I hear Ray turn around and take a
step away from me, but I call out, “Wait.”
He turns and looks me up and down. “Yeah?”
I reach out and slap him on the cheek. He looks shocked. I smile evilly.
“I’m done.”
Carmen shakes her head as I sit back down, but Gina and Bianca laugh
and tell me how great my performance was. I look over at Ray. He’s got his
elbows resting on his knees as Ben and James laugh at him being slapped
by a girl. He joins in the laughter, but then looks over at me and smiles. I
smile back and mouth, ‘I’m sorry.’
Ray nods and shrugs.
After drama it’s recess. Me and the others are walking to the canteen, when
James come up to us.
“Hey girls,” he smiles. Instead of turning to Gina, he looks straight at
me. “Ray wants me to tell him you’ve scarred him for life by slapping him
in front of everyone and he hopes you’re sorry.”
I laugh. “Sorry? No way. Tell Ray he deserved it.”
James nods, grinning, and saunters off. Gina and Bianca laugh, but
Carmen still thinks I’ve ruined any chance I ever had of being with Ray.
Yeah, I don’t want to go out with Ray.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Your writing has really improved!!
Use a connective instead of a comma, and 'really fun' can be worded better.
This is a bit unrealistic, I've never known a teacher to do anything like this unless it's from a well known script of a play. It's too typical and it made me cringe. Please change it. You could even say they were paired off and had to act out something from Jerry Springer or something like that.
Keep this up!
Alainna
xxxxxxxx
Good job! More, I say, more!
Hiya chocoholic
That exchange between the two of them in drama class is pretty funny. I'm starting to rather like this Kara girl... rofl
and write more on this!
Conventions-wise, you're really improving. There are fewer and fewer mistakes every time; I'm impressed. There were only two or three things I saw in here, really.
" I don’t love acting, Ms. Jackson makes it really fun."
--> acting, but Ms. Jackson...
"Now, what’s going to happen is, Kara, you’ve just found out..."
--> happen, Kara, is you've just...
"“How could you?” I ask dryly."
-->dryly is like... droll, sarcastic, almost. Unless that's what you intended, you should use a different word. If it is what you intended, you need to make it really obvious that at first they were just warming up and trying to get into it or something.
"Yeah, I don’t want to go out with Ray."
-->repetitive; she doesn't want to go out with "him" is better.
So yeah, that's pretty much all I noticed, going through it first. So really well done.
And I'm curious as to whether or not Ray was serious about that scarred for life thing, though with him smiling it doesn't seem like he was. Carmen seems convinced of it though
Anyway, good job. Wind to thy will, sib
~sworddance