I don’t go to school on Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday. But I was
better by Thursday, and mum allowed me to go back to school.
“How are you feeling?” Bianca asks as I sit down next to her on the tram.
“Alright. How about you guys?”
The other girls shrug and start telling me about this new guy at school,
Raymond, or Ray.
“He’s so hot,” Carmen giggles. “He’s pretty tall, tanned skin, gorgeous
blue eyes and brown hair.”
Carmen has a tendancy to 'stretch the truth', so I turn to Gina wo nods, confirming Cramen's words.
“You can see him for yourself at school,” Bianca smiles. “He’s been
hanging out with James and Ben.”
I nod. “He sounds cool. But if you try to set me up, I swer I'll kill you.” I direct this comment to Carmen, who sighs and puts her hands up in defence.
"Fine Kara, I won't try anything."
Carmen sighs and changes the subject. “Are you guys coming to the
hockey match on Friday?”
“Are you kidding?” Gina exclaims. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Good. I have a good feeling about this match. We’re playing Balwyn, and
I’m pretty sure we can beat them.”
“Of course you will.”
We’re having such a great time talking about nothing in particular, I don’t
realise we’re at school until the bell goes.
“There he is.” Carmen points out the new guy. She was right. He’s tall,
tanned and has blue eyes.
I walk over to my locker. The locker next to me has a lock on it, which is
weird, because it’s always been empty. I’m just closing mine when
someone opens the one next to me. I turn, and it’s the new guy.
“Hi, I’m Ray.” He smiles.
I smile back and stick out my hand. “Karaleen, but I prefer Kara.”
Ray nods and shakes my hand briefly. “I haven’t seen you before Kara.”
“I’ve been sick.”
We make small talk before Bianca, Gina and Carmen come over to collect
me.
“Well, bye Ray.”
“Seya Kara.”
When we’re out of earshot, the girls start quizzing me. “How hot is he? Do
you like him? Was he nice?”
I laugh and sit down in the classroom. “Guys, guys! Calm down. Yes, he’s
hot, yes, he’s nice. No, I don’t like him in that way. You know I don’t.”
The bell signalling the start of class goes and we start. Ray is sitting at the
back, with James, Gina's boyfriend, and Ben, one of Carmen's ex's.
Half-way through the lesson Bianca’s phone starts vibrating. Our teacher is
half-deaf, she he doesn’t hear it, and Bianca opens a new text. It’s from
her English guy. Carmen and Gina turn around.
“What does it say?”
“It says, ‘just about to go 2 bed. Miss u heapz. Luv, Will’.”
Bianca, a master at sending quick texts, replies without the teacher
noticing.
“So can you look at my laptop tomorrow?” Carmen asks as we walk to the
tram stop after school. It’s just us two. Bianca stayed back for a drama
rehearsal and Gina had a dentist appointment.
“Sure, bring it to school and I’ll check it out during lunch. We’ve got IT
tomorrow, anyway.”
I have a love-hate relationship with our IT class. I love technology and
fixing electrical appliances (which I’m surprisingly good at for a 13 year old)
but I can’t stand our IT teacher. She’s old and doesn’t even teach us. She
lets us do whatever we want as long as she doesn’t get disturbed. We
spend most of the time on MSN.
The rest of the day passes quickly. IT is the first class. I talk to Ray at
the lockers again.
“I heard you’re a whiz when it comes to computers?” He asks.
“A bit,” I say. “I’ve always loved playing around with technology. Why?”
“Oh, so do I.”
I smile and slam the door shut. My friends aren’t in sight, so Ray and I
walk to IT together.
It turns out Ray and I love a lot of the same music.
“You have the new 50 album?” I ask, amazed. “It’s not due to come out
for another week.”
“I know. My dad somehow managed to get a copy for me.”
“Can I borrow it and upload it onto iTunes sometime? It’ll save me, say,
$20.”
Ray nods as I push open the computer room door. “Sure. I’ll bring it
tomorrow.”
“Thankyou so much.”
“No problem.”
We separate and I sit down with my friends.
“Omigod! You were talking to him again!” Carmen exclaims, grabbing my
sleeve. “Do you like him? What did you say? What did he say? Did he ask
you out?”
I laugh. “No Carmen. We were just talking about music. He somehow got a
brand new album, and I mean brand new. It’s not supposed to come out
until the end of next week, and he agreed to lend it to me.”
Carmen looks as if she’s in heaven.
“Kara, do you know what this means?”
“He has good taste in music and his dad had connections?” I guess,
laughing.
“No, no. Well, maybe, but it means he likes you. When a guy agrees to
lend you a precious item it’s a really good sign.”
Bianca, Gina and I all laugh. “Car,” Gina gasps. “It’s just a new album. It’s
not a bar of gold or anything. Just an unreleased album.”
“So? If it’s such a great album Ray would really love it. And if he really
loves it, why should he give it to Kara here?”
I roll my eyes and log onto my school account. The teacher has entered the
room and is calling out names. People are shouting so they’re not marked
as away.
I log onto msn and a message from Carmen pops up. It’s Ray’s email
address. I quickly type thanks and add it to my contact list.
Ray starts a new conversation, first asking who the hell I am. I laugh and
reply, telling him I’m 50 Cent and I want my album back. He figures out it’s
me and we start a long conversation about music, music and, guess what
else… MUSIC!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This Chapter was an improvement on the last!!!! I liked it and can't wait to read more!!!
Typo, *who*.Carmen seems to like to sigh. She does it twice in about three seconds!!! Could that be changed?
Should be 'See ya.'
Should be 'Oh My God'.
*has*. Careful with tense..
It just doesn't fit........seems a little immature...
Keep this up, you're improving!!!
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx
lol this is cute, chocoholic. I like the last bit- that line about "asking who the hell I was" made me laugh. ^.^
A couple issues:
"“He’s so hot,” Carmen giggled."
-->giggles. Must keep same tense.
"I turn to Gina, who nods. Carmen has a tendency to ‘stretch the truth’."
-->a bit vague on the purpose of her looking to Carmen and the reason for the nod. Say rather, "I turn to Gina, knowing as always that Carmen has a tendency to stretch the truth, but Gina nods confirmation of her words."
-->also, you don't need those quotation marks.
"I nod. “He sound’s cool."
-->sounds
"But you guys know I don’t really care about guys.”"
-->I mentioned last time you ought to watch out how many times you say that. Plus, it's kinda contrived right here. Maybe make her more nonchalant, saying she shrugs and/or laughs instead of nods, then something like, "He sounds great, but seriously, you know I don't care."
"He’s tall, tanned and has amazing blue eyes. His shirt is tight (as it is one most of the guys) and his sleeves rolled up, showing the muscles on his arms."
--> you had weird paragraphing here.
-->This is too much description, and way too much talk about his muscles for this situation. If it was Carmen's view, it would be fine, but remember, this is third person limited- Kara's view, and since you have set her up to not care about guys, she would not be talking about his muscles even from her narrator's voice.
"I turn, and it’s the new guy!
--> chuck the exclamation point. It does nothing for the situation, and again messes up the idea that she doesn't care about guys.
"Oh god, his teeth are perfect."
--> again with the messing up of the view. If you want it to seem as though she's liking him despite her usual uncaring, you need to have a line about it, how she's uncharacteristically nervous/excited, or how she can't help but notice those things.
"I haven’t seen you before Kara."
-->before, Kara
"“Seya Kara.”"
--> See ya. One word if you want, but two e's.
"Ray is sitting at the back, with James and Ben. James is currently going out with Gina, and Ben is one of Carmen’s ex’s."
--> info dump. Try rather, "Ray is sitting at the back with James, who's dating Gina, and Ben, one of Carmen's ex's."
"Half-way"
--> Just one word, no hyphen. Of course, it may be a colloquial difference here, I dunno...
"Bianca, who is a master at sending quick texts,"
-->rofl nice
-->but cut the 'who is'
"She’s old and doesn’t even teach us. She
lets us do whatever we want as long as she doesn’t get disturbed. We
spend most of the time on MSN. Carmen refuses to use one of the school
computers, and brings in her own laptop. Only our teacher knows, and she
doesn’t care, so they’re allowed to. Carmen was once asked why she was
bringing her laptop to school, but she lied easily and said there was
something that she needed for a project and she couldn’t send it to her
school email because her internet was down. Since then the teachers have
left her alone. I wish I could lie that easily."
-->waaaay too much info. You don't need the explanation about the laptop, and you should condense the info about the teacher to two sentences- "She's old and doesn't even teach us, just lets us do whatever we want as long as she's not disturbed."
-->be careful with this, too; that image of a teacher is a bit cliché, and rather unrealistic. Funny though it may be, it's kinda weak.
"The night comes and passes quickly."
--> a jump. Say "the rest of the day" instead of just "night".
As for the rest, very nice. Those are all the trouble spots I noticed, I think. Very well done. Love the humor in this one, and I love how you're building the relationship between these two. Very cute.
anyway, later!
~sworddance