This is just the start of something I'm doing. I can't save it in word so I'm putting it on here so I don't lost it. Tell me what you think :)
In the year 3433 I, The Captain, crept through the morning mist that surrounded the Pier and commandeered the spectacularly spartan beauty that was soon to become the pride of the planet; The Trip Ship!
It was a ship like any other. A ship without poise or purpose, and that was exactly what I needed for the storm that would destroy the planet. It was a storm of man's own creation. It seemed that man's most civilised technologies were what made him the most inhuman. As I waited in the eerie calm, I pondered why I planned to save these inhumans. Never had I felt any sort of camaraderie or brotherhood toward these creatures. However, I was never a man who thought with his head, but more, a man who thought with his heart.
The yoke coloured light of the encroaching day spilt into the water and shattered all ties of slumber. I watched as citizens of this planet boarded the ship. Of the miscellaneous of individuals who boarded, there were a few that particularly caught my attention; a couple dressed for a wedding, a farmer with a pitchfork, a lad with a cocktail vomiting over the railings, a boy with an eye patch who had climbed into the birds next and was now screaming, and a few outlandish creatures who were obviously from neighbouring planets. I noted the general buzz of confusion from my vantage point amongst the sails. "What are you all doing? This is our wedding!" yelled the couple in dignified outrage.
"Well, I thought was a party boat!" hiccupped the lad with a cocktail.
"I thought that this here was a boat for transporting my stock!" the farmer bellowed. The outlandish creatures gabbled back and forth in incomprehensible language as the boy with an eye patch gave one last shriek of delight. "Silence all of you savages!" I jumped down from the sails into the mess of bodies. " I am now your Captain, and you are all now crew members of the greatest ship on this planet; The Trip Ship! I suggest you get use to it and show some appreciation, for she has saved all of your souls by taking you all upon her loving bosom."
"From what?" came the mutual screech from the crowd. I could feel them all looking at me, their seething eyes running over my captain's hat and Victorian garments, my crinkled and flaking leather boots. The clothes that transcended time and space were subject to the petty judgement of these beings, more concerned with technological and aesthetic advancement. I was able to swallow my disgust as the sky filled with clouds, like huge rolling mountains spewing hot water upon the quaking sea. I cackled and walked up to the captain's post. As I reeled her away out to the thrashing and crashing sea, some of the less faithful passengers began to jump into the water. I laughed at their foolish plight. "Fear not faithful ones, for no one ages on the trip! You shall all be saved from your sins, now, whether you like it or not, you're going for a spin!"
We glided through the waves as the water grew higher and higher. We watched as the precipice of man was slowly devoured by the storm, the holocaust of its own reckoning.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Herro!
This is the first review I've done in months so bear with me...
Overall, I was really confused about this? To me it seems that in most novels or stories, there's always this mellow period in the beginning or towards the beginning when the most important things are briefly explained. That would mostly be the characters and the present situation, as in the place or scenario? But in this you throw many different creative ideas and I can't piece together why any of this is significant.
The first thing that caught my eye as something that's confusing and a little unnecessary is your brief rant on the 'inhuman's? I don't really understand where you're going with this... Something very important to do when you're writing something fantasy is to not leave things up to too much interpretation. Because your readers might not be able to understand where you're going, and that's what's happening with this first installation.
Another thing I don't understand is if this is in the past or present or future? What kind of techonology do they have, if any. I mean you talk about 'civilized technologies' but then you go on to talk about victorian clothing? It's all a little confusing, which is why you need to not mention so many things in the first few paragraphs. Give us an idea on either the plot or the setting first and then expand. Right now it just seems as if you wrote down your thoughts and didn't really organize it? That's fine to get all of your thoughts down, but be sure to go back and really think about what's necessary now or what you can mention at a later point in time.
Another thing is that I can't figure out if this is a real or hypothetical storm? I think it's a good thing?
I think that you could definitely go somewhere with this? Your writing is really good, it's really just organization that you need to work on. Also grammar and spelling, but I think that's just a problem because your Word isn't working?
Good luck! I'll be looking out for more of your stories!
Classy