Prolouge:
My name is coriander phillips i was born in england in 1975 with the horror and misery that lies within me
I have 6 candles lit near be side me , as i am telling my tale which i hope you do not read
Which means that i will be having six parts in my story.
My life at the beggining was as happy as can be , lovely mother , fantastic father , great sister
Until that day when my sister ran away with a man misery fell upon us.
Having no comfort between me , Sister gone , mother and father gone, - they were still here but no as they used to be sad and upset and hardly talking to me.#
I never knew i had a sister until i was 12 years old.
I was told that she was living byherself
But none ever told me why , they said that it was too sad to tell me
And it was true
when they told me i couldent stop cyring for 3 weeks.
I am about to begin my tale
However just remember that evreything was better at the end...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an interesting start right there. As far as prologues are concerned here this is a pretty standard start on this one here and it works quite well I'd say as far as introducing us to this character and where they came from is concerned. It also dives a bit into what seems to be the general premise behind this story which has proven to be pretty cool so far, so let's see where this is headed here.
Okayyy well that took quite turn quite fast there. Now I find myself ever so slightly lost here, because we've got the beginnings of this person here losing his sister to running away with someone but then suddenly the parents are gone and the person has no one and then the sister only reappears later in the person's life after the person has forgotten. Its all a bit confusing as a result and now I have to wonder what was the intention. I think you need to take a good look at what exactly you want to say here and try to rephrase this a bit better to get it across properly.
Well the ending at least is quite neat. As far as prologues go when you've got narrators of this type, this works well. The promise of a happy ending is always going to work on me anyways and I like the general air of mystery. So really, overall this is a decent little start here, its just that the middle gets a little messy and could benefit from a bit of work there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I agree with them ^.
Your story could be good only it needs a lot of tweeking.
You have to put commas and periods so the reader can
understand and grasp your story more.
But don't let these things put you down.
Also, you have some mispelled words, so try to fix those
Keep writing! Stories are love.
-barney
You have a lot of mistakes here. For example:
[/quote]My name is coriander phillips i was born in england in 1975 with the horror and misery that lies within me
I have 6 candles lit near be side me , as i am telling my tale which i hope you do not read
Which means that i will be having six parts in my story.
*Coriander Phillips
*England
*I
*beside
You get the point. Also you forgot a lot of periods and I agree with the other review, you need to slow down. Take it easy.
Good luck
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling
I cringe at the lack of grammar and proper spelling in this piece. The first thing I suggest is that you touch up on your basics. Punctuation and spelling are critically important to having a good story. It's hard as a reader to follow a story that doesn't have it.
Content
My first thoughts after reading are "slow down". Right now this entire chapter is just one large info dump on your reader. Take a breather, and really think about trying to show your reader what you're character is going through. Right now you're telling us, and it's all very dull.
"Hi. I'm so and so, and I this happened and then this happened and then..." see what I mean?
Instead of telling us all of these details, perhaps have your character having a flash back to the first time that she found out she had a sister? It would make a far more interesting prologue, and it would give us a much better vibe as to who your character is.
Characters
I understand that this is just a prologue, but I need more characterization from you. Right now I have no feel for who your character is, what she is like, any of it. All I see is a narrator throwing information at me with little to no emotion behind it. Yes, we know she has a sister, and that her sister ran away. But as she's telling us all of this, it comes off very emotionless.
I would really love to see a rewrite on this piece, and this time, slow down for a second. Instead of telling us the information, show us. Show us the first time she found out she had a sister, let us in on how she is feeling, what is she doing? Is she crying? Is she overjoyed to find out she had a sibling? As a writer, you can probably picture what your character is doing in your own mind, but as a reader we need you to fill us in as well.
Hope to see a rewrite!
Best of luck
OverEasy