Published April 26, 2009
*Okay I finally remembered to edited this. And the main character name is Jammie (Jam-me) Hope it sounds better 
*
"When is Mommy and Daddy coming home?" Gale asked tiredly. As she looked up at me with her big sky blue eyes that still hold the innocent of a child, filled with false hope.
"Yeah it's already been two days, since they were suppose to be back." Ryder added as she, moved her light brown hair out of her aqua eyes.
How do you tell your family that your parents are never coming home? How do you tell them that the reason that they'll never come home is because of you? How do you tell them that the reason their dead is, because your crazy psychotic boyfriend murdered them?
I remember that night a year ago, when I tried to explain to everyone why mom and dad weren't coming home. It seems like I dream of that night every time I close my eyes. I can still remember all of the blood, trying to get away and amongst all of the pain and heartache, there is only one face that continues to haunt me...
"Guys. . ." I looked up at everyone, calling there attention. "Mom, and Dad aren't coming home." I whispered while pulling Gale's black hair out of her face. I suddenly became interested with a piece of loose string from the sofa. I could feel five pair of eyes staring at me, as if I had just told them that they would all die tomorrow. Which when you thought about it enough, it was true. What would we do with out a mom who lent a shoulder to cry on when we need to? What would we do with out a dad to pick us up when we fall and dust us off?
Everything went dark as I felt something poking my side.
"Hey if you don't wake up soon then I'll have to give your breakfast to Wayne." Anna's voice chimed as she stopped poking me with her feather duster. Anna was the mom of the house, she did all of the cleaning, cooking, and all the other motherly deeds that is needed.
"Okay! I'm up! I'm up!" I jolt up right, then bang on the wall. "WAYNE IF YOU TOUCH MY BACON I'LL KILL YOU!" I shouted.
"I told you that would get her up." Gale giggled, as she appeared at the door way. I'm not sure how but she has managed to wrap everyone around her small little finger.
"Yeah, because none of us know you like Gale." Ryder mumbled sarcastically. Ryder couldn't stop being sarcastic to save her life.
I sighed to myself as I got up to eat breakfast, Wayne and Lee were still siting at the table negotiating over there breakfast.
"I'll give you four pieces of bacon for two hash browns." Lee started with a sly grin, as her lime green eyes moved over Wayne's plate like it was the last food on earth.
"Sounds like a deal!" Wayne shouted as he lunged towards her plate, to grab her bacon. His dark brown hair covering his ecstatic aqua eyes, a huge grin plastered across his face like every other day.
"Pleasure doing business with you." Lee chuckled as she tore into her food, her face lit up with her signature grin. Lee and Wayne were twins, and shared the same smile, sort of. It was a crooked smile and each was crooked on the opposite side.
I glanced at the clock and sighed. "Okay time to go." I ordered as I grabbed my work jacket and headed to the car. It seemed so routine to drive them to school. First the elementary for Gale, then Jr. High for Lee and Wayne, then the high school fro Anna and Ryder.
"This seemed like it would be a great day." I muttered to myself as I looked out at the rain. It was getting to close to that day. . .that day everything went wrong, no matter what any one says I know the truth. The reason Mom and Dad died that day was my fault. . .
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
that was so sad you were right well keep going and let me guess you will next compare me to Ryder like you did with nudge well that was good i liked the bacon part that was funny. talk to you tomorrow
Even if it is the intro, extend it
Otherwise everyone else covered it, explain a bit more about the characters and the plot. Then I think your all set. Defiantly work more on it! I'm curious about what you'll do with it. Heh good luck and PM me if you need to.
Shaelie :3
This is a very nice start to a good story. I think you can do a little bit more to it to make it better. I would advise that you be a tad more discriptive. I understand it's just an introduction but I think you can do more with it. I think you can make it a few paragraphs longer with more background of what happened the night of the murder.
You did a very nice job catching the readers attention, which is one of the most important things of a introduction, for you want to keep your readers intrested.
I definetly want to read more!
Sparkle
Thanks guys! I was kind of scared to post this cause it kind of crazy.
Gale is a child and talks like that to, I didn't mean for Gale to talk like that though, so I'm just going to run with it.
Thanks for the tips on how to rephrase my sentences thou!
I'm going to try to fix this now. Hope I can post the next chapter soon.
Okay, you can see that I bolded the 'is.' Unless it's just part of Gale being young, you know, little kids talk like that. It should be 'are.' But, like I said, little kids talk like that, so I get it.
I'm not sure if 'questioned' is the right word. She isn't really asking anything. Maybe you could say 'added' since she's commenting on what Gale said.
I think you should get rid of the italicized part. Instead you could connect the last two questions like this: "How do you tell them that the reason their dead is because your crazy, psychotic boyfriend killed them?" If it's her boyfriend, it's kind of her fault.
This is just a suggestion, if I were writing this, I might change it to something like this: "I remember that night clearly. It was a year ago. I tried to explain to everyone why Mom and Dad weren't coming home. It seems like every night I dream of that night. The blood and trying to run away. But, in between all of the horrible parts, all I see is one face..." I just think that sounds a little clearer.
Okay, overall I liked this. But, just one thing, wouldn't the other members of the family wonder where the parents were? Like aunts, uncles, grandparents? Just make sure to clear that up. Otherwise, this seems pretty interesting. PM me if you add more.
Hey there!
I don't think we've met but I'm Angel of Death. Please, call me Angel, though.
Okay, I quite liked this but I think it needs a lot of work, as all first drafts do.
The concept was nice and it could great or fantastic if you were to execute it stronger, ya know?
Make the reader see through the MC's eyes. Maybe describe what Gale looks like, is she crying. Is Ryder's face painted with confusion. The reader needs to see through the MC's eyes so a little description wouldn't hurt. Also, how does the MC feel. Is her heart in her throat, is she trying to hold back tears, is she confused because she doesn't know what to do?
To be honest with you. After the first two questions, they just started getting tedious. Play around with sentences and find another way to express her thoughts other than a stream of questions.
Also, the italicized bit should be 'sisters' not sister's.
I would reword this.
Try:
I remember that night a year ago, when I tried to explain to everyone why mom and dad weren't coming home. It seems like I dream of that night every time I close my eyes. I can still remember all of the blood, trying to get away and amongst all of the pain and heartache, there is only one face that continues to haunt me...
I don't know, but you want your sentences to flow. You want us to get a sense of what type of character your MC is. How vulnerable or strong is she? Who is she and why should we care about her? You have to give us a reason to care.
So, like I said. This needs a lot of work and I hope that you keep going with this, it has a lot of promise and it would be sad to see you drop this idea.
If you have any questions, or if you would like a review on a re-write of this, please, feel free to PM me.
Thanks for the read and keep writing,
~Angel