You see the thing is,
I only knew the man fourteen
years of my life. Sure he lost
his place in my heart every now
and again.
But the dilemma in the situation
is he raped me when I was just
four.I have lived with it for
ten years. Till one day I could
no longer breath.
I felt i had to tell a soul.
So i sat down and poured out
all my deepest secrets. About
a father drinking, taking his
daugheter's innocence.
Becoming sober father and wasted
daughter. Popping pills and slipping
from the world. Men every night to
a fourteen year old. A new love and
lover. Wishing for a man not there.
He hides behind the doors of lawyers,
giving up every right to me. He lied
so he could protect himself. My father
has vanished behind the doors of fate.
And tonight I sit and cry.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Okay first off I was raped by my dad. And to be honest this was not gonna be a poem. I was trying to rap, it looked better as a poem. And thank you for giving me suggestions and thank you for thinking highly of a late nights work.
Hey there!
This is good content wise as you've portrayed a thought provoking message and the experiences that vibe from it are very connected to people's morales so in that sense it's captivating. I think from here the language starts getting good though:
Those choices of words draw in the reader's emotions. They're manipulated into being succumbed into your affect and it's simply drawing to read.
Replace the above quoted line with : "Till one day I could breath no more." This is my suggestion because your poem lacks rhythm and pace. If you do this, there's a better beat that flows from the first stanza which is quite formal, to the more literate stanzas nearer the end.
Hope this helps,
Ben
this is a moving story. i thought at first, "well this is not really poetry," but i continued reading and found it profound and devastating. i just am wondering if it is a true story...? i think it is sad, but necessary. you opened as if you kind of loved the man, but then it turned just horrid. if it's true, i sympathize, if not, good job, very heartfelt.
I know how that is, that's exactly how I feel. Most of the time anyways. I know what you're going through, what you have been through. What you have survived. I know.
It's good that you told someone even if it's us. It's good that you have the courage to open up on such demons that hurt others, that can destroy the weak. It's a great thing that you have the power to let it all out. It's good that you can.
I love your poem! it really expreses the pain of the story teller. I might cry! I love your comparison of lawers and doors! really creative! keep on writing!
