Published February 2, 2008
[pre]just so you know this is not a true story laughs. please suggest names with your critiques.
a short beginning i got writers block after this and stoped writhing.
As the storm raged lighting illuminated the rickety dock i sat on. It shuddered and shook in the wind.
I thought about my life how horrible it had been.But that was no excuse for the last year.It was getting to be too much.My mother murdered, my dad dead of a drug overdose.I was thirteen ant the most wanted person in North America. And I was only thirteen.
Suddenly the dock collapsed under me making me fall, sobbing into the raging waters.Suspense filled my veins. Abruptly I knew I was going to die, Right Here Right now.My whole life flashed in front of my face. Mom dyeing all the murders i comited.
I relaxed and waited for it to come. Bubbles flew from my lips as i exhaled. this was what i deserved. The water surounded me as i stoped thrashing, i let it fill my lungs...sudenly there was black.....then.....nothing.[/pre]
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
A bit shorter than I usually like. I didn't really get an impression on who your MC really is. Need some character development. A bit more description would be nice, also.
As to your beginning, it's a pretty good hook.
I guess I have nothing else to say. Good luck with your editing and writing.
There are a lot of mistakes in this for one. A lot of capitals you missed and spaces you needed. Simple yet important things that make the story.
Other than that, you have an interesting beginning. But it moves too fast for me. Why did she kill her mother? What family issues caused her father to overdose? If this is a prologue to something, it needs to be longer and more informant.
Hope this helps!
Prepare yourself hon!
This sounds wrong. You need to reword this. Let se what I can do...
I kicked my feet in the lashing waves below. The sky ragged with a fearsome storm that reflected in the water bellow. Slashes of ivory lightning light up the rotting dock that I was seated on.
Now, you don't have do do exactly this, I did go a little overboard on it. Her is something more simple...
I sat on a small rickety dock, a storm raged above lighting up the dock with each flash.
It should be:
I thought about my life, how horrible it had been.
Show us, don't tell us. When you are sitting around thinking you don't think about what you are thinking, you think it.
By the way, always put a space after a period.
What excuse? You where just thinking about your horrible life... You'll need to make that more clear, because right now you've lost me.
Info dump... Give us some time to sink into everything, explain things more, how certain things trigger memories ect. Add some life to it.
You mentioned you where 13 two times in a row. So I would suggest taking the second one out.
Do not tell us! SHOW us!
Does she feel the dock creaking, or trembling under her weight? What's her reaction to falling?
This doesn't seem to be a full sentence, and I know you have a comma after, I think you could make it this:
Suddenly the dock collapsed under me making me fall sobbing into the raging waters.
Is she crying before she falls into the water? Unless she was I don't think she could all of a sudden start crying in that split second. May I suggest screaming? Put yourself in her shoes... what would you do?
I don't think she should feel suspense. I would feel panic and fear...
get rid of Abruptly and replace the comma with a period.
Why does she know she is going to die? Why doesn't she just swim back up to the surface? What's driving her to stay? If you tell us what she's feeling, thinking, and what makes her do certain things then you are developing your character. Right now she seems very cardboard, give her life.
As I said earlier on, put yourself in her shoes and think, "what would I do if I where in that position?"
May I suggest eyes?
Capitalize your 'I'
Can you tell us more. Maybe through flashbacks, like the moans of pain as her mother died, or the expressions on peoples faces as she killed them. Why didi she kill them?
You don't really relaxed, maybe you could say she squirmed as the life was carried away from her in silver bubbles that exploded from her mouth.
What's 'it"? Death? Well, you might want to tell us that.
Why? Why did she commit the murders, does she regret it? TELL US!
She's relaxed yet thrashing? You might want to look up -> I relaxed and waited for it to come.
Whats this it?!
Now the million dollar question you've all been waiting for. What does nothing look like?
Love ya girl <3
Gweny
thank you every one who commented i leared a lot. Including that this is realy hard and not my thing so thanks everybody who comented and read this.
Mwaha. ^_^ Okies. I actually thought this was pretty good. You've presented a rather interesting (if depressed =P) character here who obviously has a cool history. You could do a lot of neat stuff with this plot! There wasn't as much description as there could have been (scenery, emotions), but you're writing is good. I would, of course, recommend more on the scenery and of course emotions. How is she feeling? She seems gray to me, kind of blank. Give her feelings!
Here's the grammar!
This was good, in my opinion. Nice work. Just fix up those things and dress it up a little and it will be good. Also, continue it. I want to find out how she ended up a killer at 13.
^_^ Keek!
The others have given you some excellent ideas on how to improve the grammar of this piece so I'll just give you some general suggestions -
I think that first you should work on description. One way to really add atmosphere to a piece is to remember the five senses.
First is sight. Describe the dock more - is she sat at the edge, is she sat with her legs crossed or dangling over the side? And then the area - what boats can be seen or is there only water in sight? What time of day is it? Is the sun maybe sinking below the horizon or just starting to rise?
Then look at sound - the sound of the wind, the creaking of the dock perhaps as people walk across it, the lapping of waves against the dock or the boats and the crackle of lightening.
Third is smell. By the docks, there should be the smell of fresh, humid air, the smell of the salt in the sea, maybe the smell of fish or something more unusual like paint - maybe there's a fresh coat of paint on a boat near by.
After that is touch - how does the wood feel under her? Is there maybe a nail sticking out or a notch in the boards? What is she wearing - does she feel the wind against her flesh, is it strong enough to cut through her clothes?
And finally taste. There's always that rather tangy taste by the sea, as if the salt has dissolved into the air so that you taste it with every breathe. And you could mix sense. Say something like 'The memories tasted vile in her mouth; a heavy ash upon her tongue that would not dissolve.'
Other things you need to consider are characterization and plot. You mention that your persona has killed before so how has that affected her? Has it turned her hard? Or has it broken her? Show the character's guilt more and show her intentions - has she come to the docks to reflect or was she considering throwing herself over the side right from the very beginning? And then plot. Where is this going? You say you ran out of ideas but there are so many ways you could add to this. You could have her survive and show how she changes because of this incident or how she fails to change. Or you could have this as a prologue and then start at the beginning of the story, showing us how your persona ended up at the docks.
Hope this helps a little or at least gives you some ideas,
Heather xx
Good beginning..
As the storm raged(put a comma here) lighting illuminated the rickety dock I sat on. It shuddered and shook in the wind.
I thought about my life and how horrible it had been. this sentence doesn't really fit:But that was no excuse for the last year.<-- maybe cut it out?. It was getting to be too much. My mother murdered and my dad dead [s]of[s] because of a drug overdose. I was thirteen and the most wanted person in North America. On top of all of that, I was only thirteen.
Suddenly the dock collapsed under me causing me to fall, sobbing into the raging waters. Suspense filled my veins. Abruptly I knew I was going to die, right here right now. My whole life flashed right before my eyes. Mom dying all the murders i commited, and more.
I relaxed and waited for it to come. Bubbles flew from my lips as i exhaled. this was what i deserved. The water surounded me as i stoped thrashing, and i let it fill my lungs...sudenly there was black.....then.....nothing.
Very very good idea though, you have an interesting beginning, it just needs some work with the grammar and a lot of thought to continue..
Hey Morgan this is Vivi.
Well personally this is kinda bland. Absolutely no description and we don't feel for the character.
You have to capitalize your "I"s.
It need a lot of work... I think you should review this and add some texture to it.
Cheers,
Vives!
Interesting beginning, I liked the imagery of the rickety dock, but I need more information to keep me interested. This will be much better once you've done some serious editing. GryphonFledgling seems to have picked up on most of it. Overall, there's a good story here, its just being let down by poor editing.
Hi! Welcome to YWS. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
Your biggest problem right now is that this is really short! I can easily say that there is not enough to properly critique here, which is okay because I do have a nice grocery list of suggestions. Ready for a bit of a lecture? Good.
So. More or less this will be about Showing vs. Telling.
We'll use the following for an example:
First of all, you need to put a space between the period of one sentence and the first word of the next. Makes it easier to read.
Also, this is a prime example of telling. You're shoving facts in your reader's face. Nobody likes to be lectured (props to you if you're still listening after I first dropped that particular bomb). You want to show your readers what's going on. It works wonders -- it lets your readers become emotionally attached to your character and paints a better picture, making things far more entertaining. Both of these aspects are crucial! Emotional attachment gets your reader to care about a character. Tell me, can you be interested in hearing about somebody you care nothing about?
Now, how do you pull off all of this, I bet you're wondering? Simple! Descriptive language. Got the term memorised? Good. What you want to do is use verbs, adjectives, nouns, peanut butter, and some ice cream. The whole nine yards. So! Keeping in mind your example, notice how it's more or less a grocery list of factoids (also, you repeat the fact that the character is 13. No-no.).
So! A refresher:
Not very interesting, eh? Let's use some descriptive language and spice it up a bit!
See what I did there? Adding in some adjectives, a bit of action, a bit of artistic flair, some garnish and a 15-minute stir-fry, and voila! A nice, well-rounded, descriptive paragraph.
Now, keep in mind, what I wrote was just an example. Since you are the writer, you have every right to do as you want with your work, I'm just making suggestions.
If you have any questions, complaints, or chocolate cake (the last would be GREATLY appreciated), don't hesitate to send me a PM!
Much love and luck.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Okay, first of all, I'm going to say that you have an interesting beginning here. I want to know what has brought the character to this. In that respect, you have captured my attention a bit.
But here is where I am going to critique. And just to warn you, I am going to be very frank.
First, spell-check and capitalize. I know that this is not part of your story at all, but they are the first few words your reader will see and you want to give them as good an impression as possible.
Second, if this isn't a real story, why would I want to read it? If you aren't still writing it and you have no intention of continuing (as was the impression I got) why are you posting just the beginning? It will disappoint any reader who is enjoying this to find out that you don't intend to write more.
Capitalize the 'I'.
Delete the repetition of being 'only thirteen.' We know that already. Don't tell us again. Or, if you want the character to be reemphasizing it, have "...America. Only thirteen" It sets it apart and makes it obvious that is what is supposed to be noticed about the paragraph.
Delete the 'sobbing' reference. It makes little sense in context. And how does suspense fill someone's veins? I would get rid of that. It conjures up a vague image, but doesn't make much sense.
Ordinarily, I would have made you rewrite that sentence with correct grammar, but I'm going to give you some style allowance, because I'm nice that way, doncha know...
Capitalize the 'I'
"comited" = "commited"
Capitalize. Spell check. Capitalize. Spell check. Without these two elements, this paragraph becomes painful to read.
I was disappointed reading this. It seems as though you had an interesting story in mind, but you killed it by not considering your language. Also, you completely slaughter my interest in the story by saying that you lost inspiration. Why put it up here then? What do you expect to get out of it? If what you say is true, then all of my edits just went to waste. But I did them anyway, because, even if you don't continue with this story, you may learn from it.
Good luck with your writing...
~GryphonFledgling