Published August 31, 2011
Summer fall
white tinted clouds
flourish icy tears
Binds by a wind
in orange seaming-sun
pine trees sprout seeds
Blue chanting birds
the song of the lost sea--
a sweet lullaby
Torns of vine
bridges of colored dust
gleams with decor
Like hot chocolate
warms the frozen soul--
a lover's hand
Like poinsettia
abides the serene beach--
the lover's fate
A peppermint
scent of mountain breeze
adheres tranquil tone
Compassionate kiss
sinks a burly iceberg
in winter night
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138,339 Literary Works • 672,106 Reviews
Hey!!
This is an awesome piece of work. The imagery you used is breathtaking...while I read it I found myself drifting off into my mind imagining what you were describing.
This is my favorite part. It captured what I think of when I think about the sea. The sea's sort of a muse of mine, so for you to evoke it in this way really made me feel good. One of my favorite things to do is to stand at the edge of the ocean and look out towards the horizon. It feels like the entire world is rushing in at my feet. I'm getting a little off track, haha. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
The third line of this part is the only part that I find an issue with. The imagery in the poem stunned me until that line; the "pine trees sprout seeds" sort of snapped me out of my dreamland and back into the real word because it was a little plainer than the rest. This is just me nitpicking, and I very easily could be wrong. If you like the way you described the trees, than you should stick with it. Always always always stay true to yourself; it's the best way to write wonderful things like you've written here. The only time writing becomes hard is when you stray too far from the things you care about.
This was amazing. Keep writing!!!
@Jennya: actually, the arrangement of this poem has no meaning at all. I tend to arrange like that to create an ambiguity, that's what I've read in the internet.
Peaceful!
This poem brings to the reader, peace in words. If there is a way to explain what peace is, this must be it. It is delicate-sounding. Even just the format of this poem is like petals falling softly to the ground. Breathtaking work you have here.
Keep writing! -Guider
Nice, I've never written a haiku myself but you have seemed to follow the pattern and the themes of that a good haiku should have. I agree with the previous reviewer your poem does conveyed a real feeling of being at peace, I think its the nature references. The individual haiku's also stand quite well by them selves and as a group and the shape and shaping of it all is quite nice but I'm not sure if if really reflects anything within your poem, naturally this is your poem and you know why you shaped it that way. Although I'm not to sure about the hot chocolate poem, you have stayed within the confines of nature and to suddenly go 'hot chocolate' is a little strange.
I really liked all of these stanzas. I felt they conveyed a real feeling of being at peace. I especially liked the last stanza as it relates two things that I've never read together before and brings a whole new take to the poem. Maybe try a bit of variation in the stanzas though? I don't quite know how to explain it, but maybe you could use different coloured words, to add something like a new timbre? I think that would make the poem more engaging.