z

Young Writers Society


12+

Heart Break With Hetalia: Day 2

by chhlovebooks


Authors note! Okay, I got the idea from a song I was listening to earlier, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZTnRS65SUc&index...   is the address. I don't own this song, and I have no clue if this link thing even works. Derp... =_=... I'm kind of trying a different strategy here so I'm going to use the country's human names. I'm also pretending that they're human because it helps with the plot. Other than that, there aren't to many more significant changes, but I still hope this resembles Hetalia in some way because it might seem rather different than expected. Mathew is Canada, and Alfred is America. Anyway, I don't own Hetalia or the characters, and please enjoy! Also, I apologize if this makes no sense, if it seems cliche, or if the characters don't act as they should. Also, sorry if it seems like i shoved a bunch of morals or something in here. Most stories of mine start off with an idea or a moral, and I then grow a story around that. Please correct me if you notice any words that should be past or present tense instead of what I put, tensing is one of my greatest issues as of late. Small last thing: this whole thing probably stinks, so sorry for that!

Thirty One Days of Hetalia Heart Break

Thirty-one days of sadness,

thirty-one days of fear.

Thirty-one days of anxiety,

for one whole day of cheer.

One whole month,spent all alone,

of not calling you my friend.

Thirty-one days is how long it takes

for a broken heart

to mend.

Day 2

Canada: Why i have to fight

    I looked up at the night sky, as the grass itched at my back. Carefully, I shifted my weight and tried not to disturb the silence that surrounded us. This wasn't my idea of a little "brotherly bonding" as Alfred put it, but I wouldn't trade these last few days I had with him for the world. Hearing a slight rustle, I turned my head to see the bright blue eyes of my brother gazing at me with unwavering concentration. He blinked and awoke from his trance with a smile. 

   "Hey Mathew, sure are a lot of stars out tonight, huh?" Alfred said with a light laugh. "Certainly more than you would see in your bedroom right now." 

    I winced in embarrassment. It was no secret that I was a bit of an introvert. On a good day, you would have to offer me a whole plateful of Ma's homemade pancakes just to get me to leave my books for an hour, well, when I actually had a chance to read. That, combined with my occasional bouts of stuttering, often got me teased throughout the years. 

    If Alfred, always eager to be the hero, hadn't come and saved me every time I was about to be beaten up, I might not have survived childhood. Ever since my birth, back in 1921, he had taken it upon himself to care for me as best as he could, and I would always be grateful to my older brother for being there for me. I blinked back to the real world, and after a moment or two of silence, I smiled and said,

    "Yeah. Don't you wish things could always be this way? You know, just us and the stars?" Instantly, I regret saying that as Alfred's smile is quickly jerked into a small frown. He sighed and sat up, running a hand through his disheveled hair. He looked away, a hurt expression in his eyes.

   "You know it can't be like that Mattie. I can't stay here and watch your back for you all the time. Not when..." My older brother trailed off, gazing at the small town we called home spread out below us. I sat up and stared at him, incredulous. He really thought the only reason I didn't want him to go was because I didn't want to get bullied again? That that was my issue with all of this? After a moment, I spoke,

  "Alfred, you can't go to war! You can't be a soldier yet, Ma still needs help running the newspaper! She's getting old, Alfred, and I haven't the slightest idea how we'll be able to keep the business going when she isn't strong enough to run the printing press. I'm already working my legs off every weekday, running around selling the papers, so I don't have time. You're the only one who can get old Liza working when she decides to give up." It was true, for our old press was notorious for being a cranky old girl from time to time. When she wanted to quit, she quit, and usually in as messy a way as possible. I took a deep breath to try to stop rambling and continued on in a softer tone.

   "We need you here, with us."  My brother sighed once more, and closed his eyes, dropping his head to his chest. Quietly, he said,

    "Please, Mattie, just... don't. Please don't ask that of me." He turned to look at me once more. My brother's usually cheerful face now held a lost expression, and his eyes contained some secret, unending sorrow that I knew I had no hopes of understanding.

   "I can't stay. It's not that I don't want to, it's not that you guys don't need me, I just... can't. I'm sorry Mathew, really I am, but I'm not staying. Not here, and especially not now. Please understand; for my sake?" He looked earnestly at me, but I bent my head and allowed my blond hair to cover my eyes. I curled my knees up to my chest, hoping that they might act as a barrier between me and the harsh reality of my brother's words. The pleading look on Alfred's face hurt, but not as much as his answer had. I can't? That was his response? Not a reason, not some excuse, just I can't? After a long silence, I quietly spoke one word.

      "Why?"  Alfred blinked, confused by my reply. I shift to gaze to him before elaborating. "Why? Why can't you stay here with us? With me? Why do you want to go so badly?" He exhaled loudly and shook his head. Giving a bitter chuckle, he shot a morose smile my way. 

  "I should have known you of all people wouldn't understand what it's like for me. What it's like to know that people need you, to know that you can do something to help them, but that you're being asked to leave them to suffer." My brother looked away and began to pull up handfuls of grass. "We're at war against an enemy who is killing thousands, millions, and you're asking me not to go rescue those poor souls. All my life, I've wanted to be a hero, and now I have a chance. What Hitler's doing, it's just plain villainous. This is what I've been waiting for. They need a hero, and I can be there for them!" Alfred twisted to grin at me, the light back in his blue eyes. 

  "Why you? I get that they need a hero, Alfred, but why does it have to be you?"  Instead of answering, my brother just said sadly.

   "Mathew, you know how horrible it feels when you watch someone die, and know there isn't anything you can do? You probably don't remember Dad because you were too young, but I do. I remember every horrible second I spent beside his sickbed, just sitting there ,watching him die. I remember just ho-how helpless I felt seeing him get sicker and sicker, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help!" My brother clenches his fists in anger and hangs his head. Brokenly, I reach for him and bring him into a gentle embrace. He tenses for a moment, before letting out a shuddering breath and finally hugging me back. I felt tears prickle at my eyes. I knew, of course, exactly how Alfred felt. It was just like how I felt when Alfred told me he was leaving to enlist in the military. After a several long minutes, he pulls away and gives me a slightly watery smile.

  "Thanks Mattie... I-I needed that."  I wiped my eyes and returned his grin, but it soon dissolved into a slightly concerned frown. 

     "Alfred, I understand that you belong out there, helping people, but what can just one soldier do against entire armies?" I grew somewhat afraid for my brother as he laid down in the grass and began to laugh. 

  "That's simple. I'm not going to be able to do a lot!" Alfred cheerfully admitted, looking up at me. "However, every problem we don't solve, no matter how big or small, is something the next generation is going to have to fix. Only for them, it's gonna be ten times worse and eventually, they'll be too big to solve. I've gotta make a difference, no matter how slight it is. Otherwise, I don't think I'm going to be able to die happy, you know?" I shook my head at my brother's audacity. 

   "You're not going to die, Alfred." I said firmly, trying to make the words true with every syllable. Once again, he laughed.

           "What are you gonna do, Mattie? Enlist with me to make sure I don't get killed?" An expression of dawning realization crept across his face, and my brother sat up quickly. With a sudden movement, he had me by the shoulders and was looking excitedly into my light purple eyes. "Why don't you enlist with me, Mattie? Every hero needs his sidekick, right?" I looked away, unable to face my brother.

    "I'm sorry, Alfred, but I'm not like you. I'm no hero, or at least, not the type you want me to be. I am not strong, or fast, or good at shooting. All I'm good at is being me, and that's not what the world needs right now. You are like the perfect soldier, and now that I know I can't make you stay, I might as well give you the best chance out there that I can. And that means I'm staying here. I'll only hold you back." I said. Alfred pulled back and grinned at me, saying,

   "Mattie, you've got it all wrong! You might have been bullied a bit, and I might have had to come save you... How many times was it? Oh, never mind anyway, you totally deserve to come be a hero with me! You're the smartest person I know, and I want to be out there fighting with you by my side! You don't hold me back, I love it when we're beating up the bad guys together." After a minute or two of Alfred denying my claims, I interrupted my brother's protests and said, "Don't argue, you know I'm right." He sighed and nodded begrudgingly. 

 "All right, you have me there. So if I'm not staying here, and if you're not coming with me, where does that leave us? Are we really going to part for however long this takes? And it's not like they can regularly deliver me your letters if we are getting shot at." I can only nod in response. Alfred gazed at me sadly, and asked, "Then this is goodbye, now isn't it? I leave in three days, but I won't have any time to say it later, will I? Not if the army has its way." He trailed off and looked up to the stars once more. "Just... promise me this, Mattie. Wait for me, okay? No matter how long it takes." I turned to gaze at our town below us. Every little lamp sparkled just as brightly as the  stars above us that my brother admired. It would seem so empty with him gone. At long last, I uttered four simple words that I would always remember.

"Okay, Alfred. I promise."


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359 Reviews


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Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:14 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here to review your work! I agree with Carlito, this has been in the Green Room for too long and you really deserve some reviews on it. :)

OK, errr… admission time… I know absolutely nothing about Hetalia other than it’s an anime, but I’ll see how I do. I might have to start with a couple of nitpicks which I spotted:

Ever since my birth, back in 1921


Is the “back in 1921” bit necessary? Or is this a fandom thing where I’ve failed to get the reference? If the latter, just ignore me.

Instantly, I regret saying that as Alfred's smile is quickly jerked into a small frown.


Tense change here; the rest of this piece appears to be past tense, so make sure you stay consistent.

Every hero needs his side kick, right?


“Side kick” should be “sidekick”. Also, the dialogue feels natural and realistic, which I like.

Overall, I really liked reading this. I could really sense the emotion here, and as Carlito has also said, they felt like convincing characters to me. It’s really well-written. I find both Mattie and Alfred very likeable (I don’t know if they’re canon characters or original characters, since I don’t know anything about Hetalia) and you’ve done well characterising them. The fact that it’s a fanfiction for a fandom I’m unfamiliar with didn’t actually detract from my enjoyment of the chapter at all, which is surely a big plus. :D

Apart from that, I think Carlito’s said all I was going to say. Keep writing, and I’m sorry it took so long for you to get two reviews on this! Feel free to let me know if you ever want anything else reviewed, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

-steampowered-




chhlovebooks says...


Thanks for the review on this, steampowered! I'm glad that you liked it! :) The 1921 was an attempt to help set the time period a little better. That would in turn help out the need for a better setting, which was pointed out by Carlito. Sorry if you thought it unnecessary. And thanks for pointing out the tensing issues, I'll set those right asap! Have a good day!



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Mon Feb 15, 2016 9:38 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Well hello! This has been in the green room for far too long :(

I'm usually not a big fanfiction person or historical person, but I really enjoyed reading this. I think you have a really creative premise here! I think using people to represent countries leading up to WWII is awesome. It feels very literary :)

The writing itself is also good. As I was reading this I knew I had seen your name before and I couldn't remember where so I did some sleuthing and realized I reviewed this for you a few months ago. And now I'm not surprised at all that I was impressed with the writing as a whole because I was for that piece, too!

Overall, my biggest thought is that I want more setting. I have no idea where this conversation is taking place and I have no context for this conversation. (I didn't read the first chapter and these questions may have been answered there, but even so, I would appreciate a refresher in the next chapter). I know you can describe well because I mentioned that in the last piece of yours I reviewed, so whip out those skills and blow me away. :)

Did you write that poem to start the chapter? I really like it and I thought it set the chapter up well! If not, I still really liked it but I would include the name of whoever wrote it at the bottom.

A few grammatical things:

I looked up at the night sky, the grass itching at my back.

This whole first chapter is great. You set us up well, but this would be a great place to give us more information on the setting. All I know about where they are is that it's silent and it's dark.

"Hey Mathew, sure are a lot of stars out tonight, huh?" Alfred said with a light laugh. "Certainly more than you would see in your bedroom right now." I winced in embarrassment. It was no secret that I was a bit of an introvert.

One thing I noticed throughout this chapter is that your paragraphs tend to be long and there are definitely places where you could break them up. Take this paragraph. You have Alfred's dialogue. (I'm assuming both pieces of dialogue are his, but if not, the second piece should definitely be its own paragraph for clarity). Then you go into Mattie's reaction. The reaction should be in a new paragraph.
Clarity wise, when you say "I winced in embarrassment", I'm not sure if that's a reaction to the "Certainly..." or if that's what Mattie does after saying "Certainly...". If the "I winced..." is the beginning of a new paragraph I'll know it's a reaction because it's not so connected to the dialogue.

On a good day, you would have to offer me a whole plateful of Ma's homemade pancakes just to get me to leave my books for an hour, well, when I actually had a chance to read. That, combined with my occasional bouts of stuttering, often got me teased throughout the years.

All of this is great information about the character. I love it. This can all be part of the same paragraph as the "I winced..." because it explains why he would wince about that.

If Alfred, always eager to be the hero,

I think I would make this the start of a new paragraph as well. It still relates to Mattie being shy, but now we've started to talk about Alfred and his role in this situation so it's kind of a new focus. New focus - new paragraph :)
I don't think I'll point out every instance of where I think you could break a paragraph up in this chapter because it will start to feel repetitive. However, if you would like additional help/you're not sure where else to break paragraphs up, let me know and I'll point out others! :)

I blinked back to the real world, and after a moment or two of silence, I smiled and said,

"Yeah. Don't you wish things could always be this way? You know, just us and the stars?"

The dialogue tag (in this case "I smiled and said," should be in the same paragraph as the actual dialogue). So here, I would start a new paragraph with "I blinked..." because this is going to start your dialogue and dialogue should be separated, and then include the actual dialogue in the same paragraph.
And same with the other thing, I won't point out every single instance of this because I don't want to get repetitive, but I can if you want/need me to :)


I thought you did a nice job developing the characters and not making them boring, talking heads :) They felt like real people to me and I felt like it didn't even matter that I didn't read the first chapter. This chapter made sense and I was able to follow it just fine. That's awesome!

Like I said before, I think you have a really interesting premise here and so far I think you're executing it well. I really hope you continue this! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




chhlovebooks says...


Thanks a ton for reviewing this! I was losing hope on this idea, so I'm glad someone actually bothered to read it and write such a nice response! I'll set to work as soon as I can on the paragraphing, and I'll try to add more to describe the setting. The first chapter actually doesn't relate to this, so sorry if I confused you. The idea I had here was a series of oneshots under a common name, with a similar theme, but takes place in various locations with different characters. At the end, I was planning to have a single, hope-filled story to close off the series. Thanks again for the review, and have a good day! ^v^



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Wed Nov 11, 2015 4:55 am
aaboo17 says...



I love this. And I'm picky when it comes to stories, yet I like yours. You word your sentences so right that it puts a picture in the readers mind. Stories like that are what a writer so always go for. I honestly have nothing bad to say about this. Keep up the good writing and I'd love to read more.




chhlovebooks says...


Thanks! I plan on making this a series, so yay for you! It might take me a while to update, however, but if you like, I can message you when a new story is out. You want me to, or no?



aaboo17 says...


Yes please!




Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind