i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
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I really liked this. The title drew me in, like others have stated. No one thinks of a father having a womb but if you really look at it, your mother raised you in the womb and now once your out, your father is going to protect you just as the womb in your mother did. I won't moan about capitalization either because I think it brought a childish nature to the poem. That may not be what you are intending it to do, but that's just how I feel about it. I think the poem jumped from being in the water to wanting to be in the sky a little bit too quickly. I would have loved to see the father pulling the child back in from the sea, protecting them. Other then that, I think that you did a great job and I really look forward to reading more from you.
The title of this poem totally drew me to it- what a fabulous oxymoron!
So, I guess a lot of people on here will moan about your grammar, such as HAVING to capitalise every line. However, I've never been a staunch advocator of that, as poetry is so free now, that I feel you can do whatever you want.
This poem wasn't too cliched, which I really enjoyed. I read a lot on here with have forced rhymes and terrible metaphors, but this was perfect in my eyes. 'Sturdy' and 'birdie' were perhaps susceptible to criticism, but this is written from a child's perspective, so birdie was fitting.
The final line is brilliant. That's all!