I'm living in a world
Where Iam so misunderstood
None can know the real me
I hide behind the shades of my eyes
I desire and aspire to be more
Crave devistatingly the one thing I can't have
To be who I am is trying
But everyoon says its better than dying
I live for love and laughter
But all of the laughter
Can't take away these scars
The scars that cut so seep into my heart
Unguarded by my shdes
Iam the picture of vulnerbility
Without them everyone would see
I'm hardly the person i pretend to be
Am I a failure?
Am I weak
These questions haunt me in my sleep
Oh why am I me?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I will tell you a story.
One day a girl named Warrior Princess came up to a girl named cheri1706.
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news," Warrior Princess said, pulling out her Nitpick Notebook. "I will tell you the bad news first." She skimmed quickly through her evil Nitpicks. "Well first of all I agree with *writewatiwant* that the poem is pretty cliche, you know, the typical 'teen that nobody understands' poem. Well, news flash: NOBODY understands teens. That's just the way we are. If God had meant for adults to understand us, he would have put bigger brains in their heads!" She laughed lightly, but there was a wicked gleam in her enigmatic hazel eyes. "Also your punctuation and spelling need some serious work. You need to try making this poem more unique, like maybe putting in some imagery or looking at your problems from a different perspective."
Abruptly slamming the Nitpick Notebook, she continued, "Now for the good news: cliche or not, I really indentified with your poem. It represents how I feel too. No one understands me either! Except my wonderful boyfriend, but he has transferred to another school. BOOHOO!!!!!!" She sniffed, dabbed her nose with a hanky, then smiled nonchalantly at cheri1706, as if nothing had happened. "The subjects of teen angst, anger, depression, and loneliness are by no means new, but that doesn't mean they have lost their relevancy. The poem just needs a little spicing up to be really good." Setting her gloved hand firmly on cheri1706's shoulder, she said, "Keep up the good work, my young apprentice. Trust the Force, and you will never fail."
And with a flash of light, the great Warrior Princess was gone, and cheri1706 was left standing alone in cyberspace, while the words of countless stories floated silently through the silver air . . . . .
hey!
i love your poem and it has a great title!
the first verse is my favorite
I'm living in a world
Where Iam so misunderstood - I am
None can know the real me
I hide behind the shades of my eyes
because I feal the need to continue reading
You also have a great rhyming scheem
but you have a few typos
Unguarded by my shdes -shades
Iam the picture of vulnerbility - I am
Without them everyone would see
I'm hardly the person i pretend to be
you need to work on your punctuation but other than that I think its a very good poem!
dancingclouds
Hi Cheri! Welcome to YWS. I'm Kat, nice too meet you, and I'll be your reviewer.
If I could have your attention for a small matter before, I would like to remind you of the 2:1 policy. That means that you should do two reviews for every work of yours you post. A review will only count if it has the minimal of 250 characters (roughly 4 to 5 lines).
Now that that's done, let's get to your review!
Punctuation, dear! I noticed that along your poem, there's no punctuation! Some people are under the impression that poetry has no need for punctuation. Well, they're wrong. I've put I'm suggestions in bold.
So, put a space between 'I' and 'am' in the second line.
This is really cliche. it's all centered about you, and it isn't very deep. it's like: "I'm sad. the world doesn't understands me." Boo who! Don't take me wrongly, but this could have so potential! If you just played around a bit with it.
I had to read the third line three times and still it's wrongly worded. I think what you meant was: "i am trying to be who I am"? If so, that's incredibly common. This whole stanza is common and so not deep! It lacks imagery and emotion. I can't feel what you feel.
In the forth line, I think you meant 'everyone'.
So here we have anew thing! Rhyming
When you use rhymes, it's preferred if you establish a definite scheme. Like ABAC, or ABBA. Those are the most regulars ones.
I think you meant devastatingly, in the second line.
So, the repetition of laughter ruins it. It just sounds awkward. Maybe try joy or happiness.
In the last line, I think you meant deep. Anyway, this has a bit more than the last one, but still, it's not enough. Also, this one doesn't has rhyming.
We have some changes on this one. it's better already. because:
1. You have rhyming that's well executed;
2. You put a final! You had some punctuation.
But it's a bit confusing. You are not guarded by your shades, but you 'without them'. How can it be without them, if you don't have them?
Also, I think you meant shades, in the first line and vulnerability in the second.
Because I don't think you have a choice, but to be who you are. Anyway, this was good. But be careful. It's a bit risky to use questions in a poem. this was nice. Except the last line; it was a bit cliche.
Also, you screw up the rhythm here. the third line is too long. i would advise you to erase the last line, and cut the third in 'haunt'. That way you still keep the rhyme and save your rhythm.
Overall: It was ok. It has much potential that you need to use! polish it up a bit, make some changes here and there and you'll be fine! And remember: you don't have to capitalize every first word of each line. Sorry if it was harsh.
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*