Young Writers Society

Honestly... I think the whole thing is a little overly dramatic.
The main character has just lost his brother... and is taking it out on
everyone around him?

cheez_burger wrote:I stalked through the forest, crashing through fern clumps and Elder bushes, being scratched by branches of thorn patches, nettles, and brambles. Somehow, I had always found myself circling back to where Jango lie dead in the sandy clearing. The smell was horrific, the putrid scent piercing my nostrils and flooding my mouth. Then an idea came to mind. I picked my way through the pools of blood surrounding my dead brother. I hoisted him up onto my shoulders, while gripping his scruff in my jaws. He was already stiff and cold... he just didn't feel like Jango anymore.(This particular sentence caught my eye. what exactly does Jango feel like? Is he soft? Is he tense? It's just my opinion, but I think you should add a little detail of what he used to feel like.) I glared my way toward Twolegplace, a gaze so fierce I thought everything I looked at would shrivel up and die. (This one also caught my eye. He can't exactly glare through somewhere. Maybe he could stalk and glare, but glaring isn't moving actually.)

When I finally arrived at the edge of the soft grass, Flower and Shadow were sitting on the mesh fence, whispering quietly. Shadow saw me first, with a smug look on his face. When Flower realized his attention was elsewhere, she looked up. Her jaw dropped. A few heartbeats went by, it could have been hours or moons for all I know, but finally, she leaped off the fence and ran down to Jango and me. "My son!" she wailed. "What have you done!?"It took me a minute to realize her anger was directed at me. I searched for words, but I couldn't find any. "ME?" I roared. "You think I killed my own BROTHER!" I was furious, so mad I wanted to claw her to shreds. I glared at Shadow, who was clearly amused by our skirmish. "You!" I yelled, leaping on top of him, getting ready to claw him from nose to tail-tip. Flower leapt at me and shoved me over. I raked my claws down her stomach, and rolled over so i (Needs to be capitolized.) pinned her to the ground. " YOU TRAITOR!" I yowled. "IT WAS HIM!" I pointed my tail at Shadow.


TO BE CONTINUED...