she eyes it from a far,
a small sliver of silver.
she picks it up
and gently rolls her sleeve.
tears run down her face ,
as she prepares to bleed.
right over the sink,
she places it on her wrist.
slowly draws back
and watches the river flow.
she admires a moment ,
and continues to draw.
a few more
and she is done,
looks down
and cries once again.
the beautiful red ,
on the contrast of white.
but her wrist is a mess.
a bloody brawl.
slowly she reads it to herself,
and tears fall once more.
she now has a constant reminder
of what she had lost.
the red words drip down
and mix with the tears.
she falls silently
saying your name to herself.
and her last words were i love you .
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I also consider is cliche, but it's pretty good nonetheless. You're aware of the feeling, which is a key point.
Overall, pretty good. Keep it up.
I took the advice on punctuation.
I don't think it helped much though.
When I put the next one on I will make sure to check these things too.
I follow in Bubbles foot steps, it was cliche, but it wasn't as bad as it could be.
I'll drop the link that I constantly do on punctuation. You actually used punctuation! I'm glad, but as Bubbles said, it isn't all commas... maybe the article will help? Poetry & Punctuatin
And, again to second bubbles, giving it rhythm wouldn't hurt either, but beginners tend to get confused with what rhythm is. That just means, create a pattern through the number of syllables used in each line.
If you have any questions/need some help, feel free to PM me.
You're new, so I'll give you some advice: as a poetry topic, suicide sucks. It's been done 20 million times and generally is considered very amateurish and...well, cliche. And if you hang around YWS long enough you'll soon learn that "cliche" is a dirty word, lol. I'm not trying to be mean, but basically, if you cant bring something new to the table, dont touch it.
That being said, I do appreciate the style of this piece; your angle is interesting, and although the topic is not unique, you avoid hackneyed phrases and descriptions (for the most part). And I worship you for not using rhyme, LMAO. Subject matter aside, there are a few things I'd recommend working on:
1. Punctuation. Commas arent necessary at the end of every line. Read it out loud, get the sense of it, punctuate where necessary and perhaps use a few full stops!
2. Rhythm and sentence structure. These go together for obvious reasons; your sentences affect the rhythm. A lot of the time you repeat the same structure for each line and it makes the poem dull and lifeless. Liven it up and play with your sentences a bit more!
That's about it, I guess. I cant say I liked it, and I cant say it was exactly original, but some of your lines show flair which bodes well for the future.
Hope to see you around
Cheers,
~bubbles
PS: Welcome to YWS!