Published March 7, 2008
I don't know who to PM to Delete this but if someone would come along and delete it for me I would be happy.
Thank you.
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141,385 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
A very moving and intesting story, definately one of my favourites. My favourite line was:
"Sanura," my father spoke in a kind patronising tone, "would you like to go to your room?"
Beautiful story, that made good reading
Chris
There were some punctuation errors, but nothing too major.
My main concern is how quickly you get the story started. You begin right when the conflict really begins, rather than letting us get to know the character yet. So, in all honesty, I'm not really too concerned that her mother has died. Perhaps if you backed up a little and instead started the story with an ordinary day with her and her mother before whatever happened, then have it happen. Then go into how the father comes and her anger. We don't really know what she is like usually and the first time we see her she is breaking things, so, no matter what you tell us, that is pretty much how we are going to think of her. By showing her on a regular day, we can see how she is usually and just how much of a change from the ordinary this is.
Also, I was a little confused as you go through how the glass coming out of her. I wasn't quite sure what was going on and it took a little while for me to figure it out.
Anyway, interesting end to the story. I'd like to see what reactions that question brings. Oooh...
Good luck!
~GryphonFledgling