she said (quietly)
"there's a bug in your hair."
but all i heard was buzz
of the bee
not really hurting me
it was just tasting
never really leaving
just like her
with her honey freckes
and legs all bones
she uttered (semi-loudly, into the party hum)
"you should date him!"
yet all i heard was
his booze laced tongue¨
exploring my ear
like that harmless bee
wet
and never ever leaving
hurting
he was my manly cover
she asked (calmly, numbly, calm and numb)
"are you gay?"
however
i just heard my mother
and the bee
and the boy
buzzing
and hurting
and stinging, staying
by my side along with pain
and words like bugs
i cannot catch inside my palm
she screamed (sky-shatteringly loud)
"get off me!"
and this time
i heard and listened
and pulled my featherlight arms
from the warmth
of her clothed waist
i heard it all
through the wall
of the flavor
left from one hug
stung by words resembling
thorns of the harmless
she died ages later (wordlessly)
without hearing my side
my bee affection
soft lips
on her freckled knuckles
asleep
never leaving
never hurting
not even a one sting
my love was harmless
unheard of
i was a quiet predator for her and the rest of the world
because of my bee-like love
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi there! I wanted to leave you with a few thoughts for review day on your poem, so here we go. I have a few areas I want to address in your piece, and more could be said as far as flow, theme, and tone; so please feel free to ask if there's an aspect you would like more feedback on.
Formatting & Line Length
The minimalist style really works to communicate the message here. We don't have any punctuation or capitalization, the lines are short, and that makes the formatting seem innocent in a way. I think the places where the lines get a bit long
here: "she asked (calmly, numbly, calm and numb)"
here: "she uttered (semi-loudly, into the party hum)"
and here: "i was a quiet predator for her and the rest of the world"
takes away from that consistency of the simple short lines you have in the rest of the piece, making the piece look a bit messy. When I see such vastly varied line breaks, as a reader I look for some sort of transition (ie. a stanza break, a change in tone or plot, a new event, or characterization addition). But I'm not seeing any such transition linking up with those longer lines, so it makes it seem confusing.
I would suggest breaking those lines in half or even doing away with the parts in parenthesis since I'm not sure it adds anything.
Grammar/Spelling
I caught a few grammatical/spelling issues that you can take a second look at:
"but all i heard was buzz" ---> this sounds a bit odd, try adding "a" or "the" in front of "buzz".
"honey freckes" ---> should be "honey freckles"
Imagery & Figurative Language
You have a few really strong moments in this poem, specifically the way you link the relationship and emotions into the descriptions of a bee. I loved this description:
These parts comparing the love to that of a bee was really unique and brought an interesting tone to this description of unrequited love. With all of your great lines, I felt like there was a bit too much fluff in between that didn't always connect, leaving an odd flow to some of the lines and a bit of confusion of where the story was going. You might want to look at condensing things that aren't as important to the main idea, or taking the less important ideas and linking them into the story more so that the piece is more cohesive as a whole.
For instance, the part about the speaker being asked if they are gay seemed really important, a shocking moment in the piece, but that I didn't have much of a sense of how that question got incorporated into the rest of the story. There's also some descriptions hinting at a party scene -- the "booze" and "party hum" but we never see a real setting of the speaker in this party. Those are just some of my thoughts though, and overall I thought you did have some great descriptions and use of that bee metaphor.
Please let me know if you have any questions about my review, and best of luck in your future work!
~alliyah
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Heya, Jedi here for a review!
Unrequited love is a very popular topic, but this is very unique, you did a wonderful job of making an old idea fresh. But onto the critique (which there isn't much of)
There is a lack of rhythm but the style is consistent and you tied everything together with the occasional parentheses throughout the piece, so I think that's alright. The whole piece is also lacking in any punctuation, and I know that that greatly contributed to the mood and style, but there are a couple parts where the absence of punctuation doesn't do you much favor. So just something to consider, maybe a couple commas when needed, just a suggestion.
I don't understand what you meant by "she died ages later".. physically? emotionally? or did you two just stop talking to each other? this definitely needs clarification. Being vague can help sometimes but I think this definitely needs to be more clear.
Overall this was a beautiful piece, and the mood of it is very real and sad. A quiet sort of sad I think, very subtle and it felt like the mc has accepted everything that happens in the poem but is still regretful that it happened so. Very well written and I hope to be seeing more of your pieces soon!
Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.
Your poem is, you know, very artistic and it is brimming with romance. I found it to be very unique in style and composition.
Beginning each line with a lowercase letter instead of the usual uppercase one added to the originality and speciality of the poem. There were no spelling mistakes and stuff. I would recommend adding punctuation marks wherever needed unless, of course, you don't want to do that on purpose. I guess there's no need to divide the poem into stanzas. It is beautiful without them. The words in brackets increased the power of the poem. I did not find any major grammatical errors as such.
Okay, now coming to the actual content of the poem. I personally feel that the quaint title of this literary work "bee love" complements it. Comparing the love of the girl for you with the high-pitched buzzing of bees is an unique and amazing thing. I guess through this metaphor, you wanted to show that the affection between you and your lover was just like the buzzing of the bees, which we sometimes find pleasant (like, when we are in a garden) and sometimes, sort of disturbing (for example, when we are trying to fall asleep and a bee buzzes above our ear).
I found the first three lines of the poem to be very picturesque.
'she said (quietly)
"there's a bug in your hair."
but all i heard was buzz'
These lines set the tune of the poem, showing her love-hate feelings for you and your unrequisite love for her, for which you try to ignore (if not correct) her flaws.
Then, again, these four lines were very beautiful in the poetic sense.
'she died ages later (wordlessly)
without hearing my side
my bee affection
soft lips'
I don't know whether the word "died" here means physical death or the symbolic death (like, loss of liveliness, passion, hobbies etc), but I do know that with a bit of gentle irony and sarcasm, you wrote in golden words about your limitless love and respect for her, even though she never allowed you to speak openly your opinions and feeling when you were in a relationship.
And, the last two lines were amazing, ending the poem on a beautiful note.
'i was a quiet predator for her and the rest of the
world
because of my bee-like love'
This wonderful line again shows your love, care and concern for her even after the world and your lover herself did not care for it. The lines have left me speechless.
Overall, great work. You are a very talented and creative person (in fact, I'd consider myself privileged if had just 5 percent of the talent you got). Keep up the marvelous work!