Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Lucas didn't care much for human interaction and cared even less whenever he got bombarded with tons of questions. While they passed others in the halls, he fully expected them to ask questions, but hoped they wouldn't.
"Holy shit, what happened?" A girl asked.
"Lucas got--" Meghan started. He didn't want her telling anyone. He had to think of a lie and fast.
"Just some kids on bikes not watching where they were going. I’m fine." He interjected. He thought that sounded convincing. Meghan and Jaune look at him very confused. He couldn’t blame them; they weren’t usually the third party when he had to dance around the truth or lie altogether after getting pummeled by Dick Dastardly.
"Oh, well, I hope it's not as serious as it looks." The girl replies, passing him, patting his shoulder, and walking away.
"You and me both," Lucas mutters.
When they got to the nurse's office, Meghan smacked on the thick wooden door repeatedly. The entrance had no windows to see into the room.
"Just a moment, I will be right there." A sweet voice spoke from behind the door.
"Mrs. Lemming, please, it's urgent," Meghan shouted. The door opens, and the room gives a subtle scent of lavender-mint
“Oh my goodness, child! What happened?”
“Hello, Mrs. Lemming, sorry to bother you,” Lucas said, sounding a tad raspy.
“Don’t be daft, Lucas, you two bring him to the bed in the corner next to my desk. I will get some ice-packs.” Mrs. Lemming stated with reassurance.
"We will need more than Ice-packs, Mrs. Lemming," Jaune replied as he lifted Lucas’ shirt. She was just as dumbfounded as Ms. Matlight. Having his upper torso exposed and stared at made him feel naked in a way.
“Lay him back carefully on the incline. I need to grab supplies.” Mrs. Lemming's voice is calm yet authoritative. She rolls up her sleeves briskly and pivots to her supply cabinet. She mutters under her breath about the state of his injuries.
“Yes, ma’am,” Jaune replied. They gently set him on the bed, Meghan props his legs onto the mattress while Jaune slowly lowers his upper body onto the padding that is inclined to a thirty-degree angle.
"Can one of you tell me what happened?" She asked, putting some antiseptic on a cloth and giving Lucas some Ibuprofen.
Jaune tells her the whole story in the best detail he can give.
“That boy really did some damage. This is worse than anything I have seen in all my time here.” The nurse said in a soft, raspy voice. Mrs. Delilah Lemming has been the school nurse at Blackview High School for seven years. She is a woman in her early fifties, brunette-redhead with a few gray streaks, tall, and relatively slender. She moved here from the UK when she was a teenager. Lucas was a regular patient of hers. She begins to apply the antiseptic, and it burns like crazy.
“Be honest, Lucas, all those days you came to see me, you never fell down a hill or some stairs or tripped and stumbled into tables, chairs, and desks, did you?” Mrs. Lemming asked, sounding concerned and very disappointed.
“....” He couldn’t say anything. He still didn’t dare to tell anyone. The stuff he told her when he was hurt was lies. Lucas turned his head the opposite way so he couldn't look at Mrs. Lemming. He stared at the ceiling, blinking too quickly. His throat tightened. The burning in his chest wasn’t just from antiseptic anymore.
“Nevertheless, I need to call your parents and let them know you need to see a doctor.” She said with a deep sigh.
“You can try, but they won’t pick up,” Lucas replied with a depressed smirk.
"What do you mean, they won't pick up?” Curiosity started to flutter around the room. Then Lucas felt someone lightly grab his injured hand. He turned his head back around to see Jaune holding his hand and smiling. He caught that gentle curve on Jaune’s lips again. Always that damn smile. Like the world hadn’t crushed him yet. A small part of him hated it. But he was thankful for it at the same time. Gritting his teeth, he shoved his hand away.
“Ow,” Lucas grunted and inhaled sharply.
“Oh, are you ok--?” Jaune’s hand stayed on his, light and steady. Lucas stared at it. Warmth bloomed against his skin, spreading too fast. Dangerous.
“BARA, seriously? Is bothering me your idea of friendship or a cry for help?”
“Lucas!” Meghan retorts, standing in shock.
“N-no, th-that, that’s not what I–” Jaune stutters, trying to find the words. Before he could complete a sentence, Lucas interrupted him.
“I told you already—we’re not friends. Go talk to someone else. Honestly, you’re just... annoying.” Lucas knew what he was saying was cruel, but he was letting Jaune get way too close to him. He has always done what was necessary to keep everybody unharmed and to keep himself numb to the world. To see the expression his face bore, needless to say, he didn’t know how to react. Jaune stood there with a half-smile, fidgeting with the end of his sleeve. He looked like he could start crying at any second.
“You’re hurting. I don’t think you mean half the things you’re saying right now.” Jaune spoke
“You stupid little, that is not the case here--” Lucas shouted sternly, but Jaune cut him off.
“I’ll give you some space. But if you need anything, just call. I’ll be here.” Jaune swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to fight back any emotions.
“That’s- I don’t--” Lucas stammered his words trying to figure out what to say. He took his hand, lightly brushing it through his already messy hair. Somehow, Jaune knows how to throw him off guard and look adorable doing it.
“Thank you for the feedback, try to get some rest, Lucas.” Jaune’s voice was low like a whisper laced with sadness.
“Sure,” Most people he talks to the way he does would get mad or run away or just avoid him altogether. Not Jaune, he took the negative things he said and turned them into constructive criticism.
Jaune stepped into the hall, Meghan trailing silently behind. The door clicked shut. Alone again, irritation prickled under Lucas’s skin. He clenched his jaw—and slammed his good hand against the wall. Shortly after, Ms. Matlight enters and walks over to where he lies.
“Sit up and look at me.” She commanded. He did as she said, it really hurt to move his stomach, yet he just couldn’t go against her. As soon as he looked at her, she slapped him.
“Ms. Matlight, you shouldn’t do that. He has already been injured too much.” Mrs. Lemming holds up her hand softly, the urgency in her voice quite apparent.
“You foolish, reckless child, Why would you carry this alone? You could’ve come to me. You know that, right?” She cried, holding him gently and sobbing into his shoulder. Ms. Matlight has been like a second mother to him. More times than he can count, she has been around when he needed her to set him straight and talk through any problems he had. Of Course, he never told her the whole truth about some things.
“ … Ms. Matlight, do you remember what I asked you before winter break last year?” Lucas asked in a low voice.
Ms. Matlight knew exactly what he was talking about; it was probably the strangest question a student had ever asked her.
“If the devil them-self told you that you could end everyone’s suffering at the expense of your own, then held out their hand, would you take it?” She replied, looking at him gloomily, quoting exactly what he had said back then.
“I kept wondering why you would ask me such a question. But… you told me you would shoulder any burden and go through any pain, I started to admire what a brave and caring kid you are.” Ms. Matlight spoke softly with an equally soft smile.
“If trading my peace means they get to keep theirs, I’ll do it. Every time.” Lucas clenched his fists, his voice sounding determined and rough.
“You’re not meant to carry this alone. That’s why we have each other—to lean on when it’s too heavy. There are people who care about you, Lucas. More than you know” Mrs. Lemming crossed her arms, frowning, but her voice softened. There was a sharpness to her words, but it cracked at the edges. A part of him wanted to believe her. A part of him was terrified she might be right.
“Nobody notices me, and that’s how I like it.” Lucas scoffed.
“THAT IS NOT TRUE… You just don’t know how much people care because you’re so closed off. Take Jaune and Meghan, for example, you have no idea how worried they…” Her voice faded out as she continued to rip him a new one. All the while his thoughts drifted to Jaune. He felt so annoyed that he couldn’t get that kid out of his head. Juane gives him too much hope, and it scares him. He has the essence of a sunrise. He’s bright, cheerful, and someone Lucas just can’t describe. His gaze turned to the door. He didn’t know if Jaune had left or if he was still outside, listening to the conversation.
“We are wasting time, Lucas needs a doctor, and I need to call his parents!” Mrs. Lemming stated as she marched to her desk.
“...My mom is dead and my dad is in the military,” He explained in a serious tone.
“Then do you have any aunts or uncles?” Mrs. Lemming asked with urgency. He shook his head in silence. He leaned forward, looking down, his hair covering his face.
“None?” Mrs. Lemming looked at him with a confused and concerned expression.
“Then… who’s looking after you at home?” Ms. Matlight asked, her voice laced with worry.
“... I have... For the last two years. Before mom died, she taught me how to cook and clean up after myself. Later on, Dad taught me how to pay bills.” The only reason he hadn’t told anyone was that he didn’t want to be put in the system.
“My dad sends me the money for rent and bills and stuff… and a little extra for leisure expenses. Along with the money, we send each other letters once a month. It’s nice knowing that he’s still alive.” Lucas explained with a melancholic tone.
“I’ve told him not to send me so much, if he is going to send money, just send what is needed.” Lucas began playing with his hair. An old nervous habit he thought he had shaken. His dad’s response gave him mixed emotions. He didn’t know if he should smile or punch something or both, He said;
“Children *need* to have fun every once in a while.” Lucas liked that his dad still thought of him as a kid, even though he was practically living as an adult at fourteen years old. Yet, he was the farthest thing from a child. Children are innocent and sometimes ignorant of how the world can treat people. Children are free to live in whatever fantasy world they conjure in their minds. They can build a small house out of branches and see it as a castle, and an orchard turns into an enchanted forest. The yard becomes the foundation for the young imagination. However, his childhood ended in the summer of my fifteenth year.
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138,678 Literary Works • 672,219 Reviews
☘ 1st Leaf: First Impressions & Initial Thoughts
hello there!! while i did unfortunately discover this late, i am a bit invested and am curious will things will go. throughout this second chapter, the dynamics here continue to build the writing as it relies on characterization that contrast and parallel each other. newer characters being introduced (meghan & the nurse) are put to use well—though while being one-note at this point, basically guiding the story to explore Lucas' traits by forcing him to through interactions he has with other characters that feel natural for them. while there are reasonable criticisms about the writing, Lucas & Jaune especially continue to shine in this story. the end does get heavy-handed with Lucas' background story, but makes me think if *this* is being bundled up in a second chapter to be revealed so quickly, then it has me thinking there will be way more heavier news, details, topics than this to come! which i am interested to see.
for the most part the writing is easy to go along to, however there are instances of trouble with the tenses and narration, which may be occasionally disorientating or jarring depending on the reader, but regardless tends to be a distraction for most. the most prominent example is the ending sentence, which despite being a neat stop that brings interest, also brings confusion without a purpose due to the sudden switch to first person narration.
☘ 2nd Leaf: Critique & Points of Confusion
what also stands out to me about the writing is that while its generally easy for the reader to read, it has the risk of being stiff, stale, or lacking in there being *more* when its needed. a noticeable pattern is that most of the paragraphs here start with a character's name and that most of the dialogue starts with the quote. this stiffness not only makes it less engaging to read, but lessens the impact of some events due to how passive the writing limits its sound to be. some more variation in sentences could do a lot to bring more engagement while reading, not even just to the general style of it but to make moments more impactful.
an example of there needing to be more is Mrs. Lemming & Lucas' dynamic. there is a history to them that is not executed well through the descriptions. the big revelation for Mrs. Lemming that she's been lied to the whole time while he was a regular patient (with i suppose, the inkling suspicion he was) had more opportunities for build-up and more emotional impact for her and us. seeing the quote here "Mrs. Lemming asked, sounding concerned and very disappointed.", it feels too vague considering there is a genuine history between her and Lucas.
i also do see the dynamic between Ms. Matlight & Lucas odd. not even as a teacher but also as apparently this mother-like figure for Lucas, considering her loud responses and slapping him while injured (especially after being physically assaulted) reads as... very intense to the point of being off-putting, instead of being radical affection Lucas receives like the story wants to depict it as.
there was a point of confusion as well. the moment of Lucas physically hurting Jaune's could've been expanded more, i feel. it is said Lucas "shoves" Jaune's hand, but it is questionable how that action could give that much of a painful reaction Jaune's give. a reaction to a shove could be a light discomfort not... really pain, i feel. the reaction could be more explainable if Lucas used his nails while shoving it, or instead just gripping Lucas' wrist to throw his hand away.
☘ 3rd Leaf: Details & Favorite Lines
something i really appreciate is how in the beginning, a girl approaches and asks if Lucas is okay. it's so easy to just glance pass that as a random bit just making the setting more more human by featuring strangers, however it adds to the later moment of people around him trying to express to Lucas that people *do* care about him. that he is apart of making that isolation real, because of how closed off by others clearly trying to connect with him and care for him. even in the little ways, like a stranger wondering and asking if he's alright. that beginning just builds up to that moment so perfectly!
another thing that draws interest to the depth being built in these characters are the parallels. even when Lucas & Jaune contrast so greatly, they are still drawn together in some ways that makes their dynamic go well to look into.
i kind of adore that even with these very two different characters, the writing shown similar traits splendidly. here in those moments, they're both using different tones and speech but at the roots of their dialogue, both of them are guarding themselves from pain.
while i do think the beginning of the ending paragraph could've been execuated more smoothly, i think it builds up to the ending sentence greatly.
☘ 4th Leaf: Theories & Questions
overrall, i am, as i've said before, curious about this story. the characterization already shown from both Lucas & Jaune has the potiental to make this world even more great. while the focus has been on Lucas, i am curious to see that if in the next chapter, there will be some seeds dropped about Jaune's background that will be later explored. there is also the great case about the ending sentence. which i think the "childhood ending" very much refers to the death of Lucas' mother. but also, i think it may also involve Richard, the bully in the first chapter who was a former friend of Lucas. other than that, my only other suspicion of the "childhood ending" is that it may involve Lucas somewhat being a blame of something while also being a witness or victim of something traumatizing.
keep writing~!
Hey there! I have kinda read the first chapter so I am here for your second one now!
That said, let me quickly say something abt ch1: Starting a story with “it was business as usual” is always a risky thing bc: if all is normal and boring, why should we care?
I feel like ch2 starts much better. I like the first sentence a lot.
Maybe be a bit more specific here, what kinda others are there in the halls? “While they passed others“
Hoo it is been sooo long since I could give advice on dialogue formatting. Makes me almost feel nostalgic! So here goes. Direct your attention to exhibit A:
See how „A girl asked.” on its own is not a complete sentence? You would need to write something like “A girl asked it.” or “A girl asked a question.” to make it complete, right? This is where the speech comes into play. The SPEECH basically completes this sentence and therefore, the speech MUST be part of the sentence. And this is why the correct formatting is this: See how “a” is no longer capitalized now? It looks weird but trust me, this is how it goes.
Now let’s look at exhibit B:
See how „The girl replies.” Is also not a complete sentence? Means again, it’s the speech that completes it and therefore is also part of the sentence. But this time, we don’t have a question mark or exclamation mark in the speech. This is why the correct formatting is actually this:
you combine the sentence with a comma and again, no capitalization necessary 😊
This concludes our excourse into dialogue formatting!
And veer of into my other favourite thing to talk about: paragraphing!
See how I put Lucas’ stuff in their own paragraph? The first thing is Meghan beginning to talk, right? So this is her dialogue and her paragraph. I was at first confused because I thought when you continue with “He didn’t want her to […]” I thought Meghan was a guy and he interrupted himself bc he didn’t want ppl to know xd Instead, “he” in this case is Lucas, correct? That is why it’s easier for readers if you separate what he does from what Meghan does.
Thanks again for listening to my ramblings on paragraphing! New speaker/new person == new paragraph :3
Uhm I think this sentence is incomplete or missing a fullstop? “The door opens, and the room gives a subtle scent of lavender-mint” and afterwards we have 3 paragraphs that aren’t left-aligned and therefore look a bit weird. If this were poetry I’d think I’m missing some subtle stylistic choice but here, I am not sure actually.
Oh poor thing ☹ “He stared at the ceiling, blinking too quickly. His throat tightened. The burning in his chest wasn’t just from antiseptic anymore.”
But what is a depressed smirk…?
I like how Lucas describes Jaune here, with how the world hasn’t crushed him yet.
Ok is this some young ppl speak I don’t get or is it just English I don’t get: “BARA, seriously?”
We’re in Lucas’ POV so this: “Jaune swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to fight back any emotions.” Doesn’t work. He cant know Jaune’s emotions or what he’s grappling with. He can only assume.
Okkkkay who is Ms Matlight to just… start crying on a child? That’s very inappropriate… She could have composed herself before entering. This comes rly out of left field.
I like that the devil is addressed by their proper pronouns =D
Ho boy, Lucas really has a miserable life so far. Poor child ☹
"However, his childhood ended in the summer of my fifteenth year." Oha, do we have a secret narrator or did you use the wrong pronoun here with "my"?
Thank you very much for your detailed review of my recent chapter. There are some edits I will be makes to the grammatical mistakes you pointed out.
I'd also like to quickly address a few things you mentioned to ad context to the story before I go in do do so.
The story is meant to be told from a heterodiegetic narrative. There is no one pov, although I am rusty in my creative writing. I don't write often and I need to brush up on my English and grammar. I was originally going to tell the story in first person but decided to switch narration ending up in lots of editing, I had thought I got everything but it would appear I missed one or two.
Jaune is French - Korean and Lucas is Hispanic (Cuban specifically) so I stay to add in bits of language and culture throughout the story. "Bara," means "Stop" in Spanish.
Oh I like this! Thank you for the explanation :3