Hi there!

This is a very sad story. I love the concept. It's interesting that you kept it short. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I'm not sure you need to lengthen it, since the main event took place in a few paragraphs. However, I'm just wondering whether this story would be more powerful if the readers had more back story and knew the characters better. Right now, the story is about a girl breaking away from her boyfriend who runs after her and gets hit by a car and dies. It isn't a story about Charlie and Nicholas, since I don't really know what these people are like. Right now, they're just names. I also can't feel Charlie's pain because I don't really understand the dynamics of the relationship between Nicholas and her. You need to get your readers to feel that pain, to cry and lament with Charlie. Despite these details, the story is still sad. But, by adding these details you can make this a tragic story, rather than just a sad one. If you're satisfied with the way it is, simple and sad, then leave it as it is. But if you want something more powerful, you need to add more details and give us more back story. Note: the back story should not be in the form of an info-dump. Rather, let us see the characters interact. What were Charlie and Nicholas like before she caught him cheating? I feel if we know that, the ending will be even sadder.
I hope I was helpful.

Good luck!

Welcome to YWS!

I think this story has great potential. Although it was only a short couple of paragraphs, it was still very good. Some things could be stretched out though, put more description into things.
Keep writing!
Born xx

Hello there!

I think you have much more up to your sleeve than what you're offering right here, Charlie. This has potential and I feel so sorry if ever this is real. Now to the story...

The pace is a bit fast, maybe because due to the fact that this is short and it didn't really give me much time to feel what really your main character is feeling through her perspective. You lack emotions all over the place and you do most of the telling part. I have to say that this is a bit cliche' but like I said, I know you can make this into a really good story if you've written this pretty well and spice this up a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't feel bad, if ever that was what supposed to be I'm feeling towards the story. And I would like also to suggest that you give more details into it and also try to make the relationship between the two characters more evident and realistic. Are the two dating or are they just friends? Something like that.

Somebody called an ambulance and they soon came to take him away on stretchers.

Wow. That was extremely sad. I hope this isn't true..if it is, I'm really sorry.

Well, onto the review. There are some parts where your descriptions are prety weak, like when you say:

'I saw him kissing another girl.'

You could say something a lot more heart-wrenching; make us feel for your character. I think that, even though it's pretty cliche, you should give us more about Nicholas, like flashbacks. This could be a really great short story but right now, it's very short. Grammar was perfect, same wih spelling. I hope I got everything

~Jas

P.S. Welcome to YWS!

WOW. While the story was only a few paragraphs long, with minor dialogue, it has an impact. No one likes to entertain the idea of causing another's death, and guilt is a heavy burden. The only issue I had was minor grammatical errors that tickled my inner future English teacher: Fix those, and you have a nice piece on survivor's guilt. PM me if you have any questions. And great job!

Hi Charlie1314! Welcome to the Young Writers' Society; I hope you will get some good reviews here, and do a bit of reviewing yourself, too. Just a hint: due to YWS's PDF format, you need to hit "Enter" two times before each paragraph. Unfortunately, you would need to use HTML tags to make indents, and most of us don't really feel like taking the time or trouble to type them in.

First things first, I'll go through and edit some things in red ...

charlie1314 wrote:“Leave me alone!” I yelled at him, wiping my tears away. I was running #FF0000 ">down the street far away from that party, far away from him. I couldn’t believe what I just witnessed. I saw him kissing another girl. He was now running after me, trying to bring me to my senses and explain what #FF0000 ">had happened. I didn’t want to listen to any of it#FF0000 ">; I saw everything with my own eyes and I wasn’t stupid, I #FF0000 ">knew what it looked like.
“Charlie#FF0000 ">, please wait!” he said while running #FF0000 ">to catch up to me.
I turned around, for a moment that seemed like only seconds, and stared at him. He was only a few feet away from me, trying to catch his breath.
“I hate you” I said, trying to speak through my tears. “I thought you loved me.” I said, sobbing now.
Without looking back, I ran#FF0000 ">, not noticing all the cars on the road. I heard him scream my name, and felt him running towards me. Then, I saw the front lights of a big truck heading towards where we were. I felt him pushing me away and then I heard a big bang. #0000FF ">(A car hitting a person wouldn't make that big of a bang. It would be like more of a thud.) The car that was driving towards me hit him. He was lying motionless on the ground, with blood everywhere. I started screaming. I think it was the only time I screamed so loud. Somebody called an ambulance and they soon came to take him away on stretchers.
“No!” I screamed. “Nicolas! No!” They took me too. I couldn’t stop screaming and shaking#FF0000 ">, and I had bruises covering my arms and my knees. I don’t remember much after that, just a lot of screaming and the sirens of an ambulance car.
I couldn’t stop blaming myself for what happened. It was my fault. If I #FF0000 ">hadn't reacted the way I did and ran away, you wouldn’t have chased after me. The truck should have run over me. I should have been the one who died. It should have been me.