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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Where is it O>O?
Hiya champ321! Here to review as requested, so sorry for the delay...
. I also picked up on the fact that you pretty much did all possible to avoid the word 'said'. Now, trust me, I know there is nothing worse than reading dialogue which is like 'so and so said this' and 'so and so said this' but when words other than said are constantly used it just seems a bit forced and slightly unnatural. So, I'm not saying get rid of all the other verbs and replace them with said, but just some of the ones that seem a bit forced.
Nitpicks in the spoiler:
Spoiler
I think this sentence is too long and needs to be broken up into more sentences or use connectives.
I love this description!
I think the word 'jokes' seems a bit out of place here...
Right now onto the review! I think that this chapter was quite good at setting a scene for the rest of everything else, I learnt quite a a bit about these new characters you have introduced. I'm not really sure what I learnt from the plot here, however, it all seemed a bit waffley to me. I think this is partially to do with the length of this piece as mentioned in another review. I think it's a bit too long and when thing's are too long, the reader starts to lose interest, so I think to cut it down you can get rid of unnecessary details and even perhaps put those details in following chapters.
I think a strong point of this chapter is your language because sometimes (when it wasn't going on and on) it was really nice and you had some really nice imagery, so well done
I agree with BlackNether here in saying that the fact that you didn't really have a focal character made it quite hard to keep up with the story and easier to lose interest of. Everything seems a bit over the place and I'm not really sure who I'm supposed to be focusing on, so maybe you can create more of an MC out of this and someone who we (as the readers) can relate to and feel empathy for.
Lastly, you changed tenses a lot! You have to pick whether you want it in present or past tense. The majority of your piece seemed to be in present tense which I personally always found harder to write, and so if you're struggling with that, past tense is much easier to write! However, if you feel present tense will be better for this story you should definitely go for it but just make sure you stick to it and don't go switching tenses!
I hope this review helped. PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc
Hey, thanks for the awesome review. It was much waited for and much appreciated. I am definitely working on my tense, you will see how far I come if you chose to continue delving into my world of fiction. I am going for more a past tense theme now...trying to steer away from the present tense...we'll leave that for the screenplay adaption (;
As for my language, I really appreciate your thoughts because I believe my vocabulary has become painstakingly juvenile while I still try to create as much of an image as I possibly can in each chapter. But thank you, from your review I can tell that I am somewhat accomplishing my goal of accurately setting a scene of exactly what I want to display ...I would love more of your perspective on this subject in chapter four where the grandmother's greenhouse is imagined in great detail. I find the chapter rather choppy and would love some feedback on it.
As for this focal character, as you read - if you choose to - you will come to grasp my intended scope for this novel. I hope to turn it into a series and at some point give focal credit to many characters. Right now, in the beginning chapters of this novel, a scene must be set and the each characters plight, aim, ambition, and in the most general sense - each story - must reveal it's significance to the next character's story and the overall story of Qualm Meadows. I know this explanation is fleeting at best, but it can only be understood with the completion of the first three chapters.
Thank you so much.
JMR3
Hey Champ, here I am with your review!
First off, my thoughts: Good work, it was rather strangely written, the characters were different, and then whole thing had a rather odd twinge to it. Good work there, it's not easy to write something new in our day, and you did an exemplary job! Usually original stuff is only found in fantasy!
But good work! I enjoyed it, I read it easily. I only noticed three overall mistakes (You have to have some kind of mistakes in a chapter this big).
A: It was too big, simply too large. You don't want chapters so long that they bore your reader, those simply cannot exist. There are plenty of places where you can cut it in half, you need to find them (Like just before they reached their grandparent's house) and do so.
B: You changed tense any number of times. Note: Only the very, very best writers can write well in omniscient anything, especially third person. Most beginning writers tend to start to switch to normal third person as they write, and you do it, a LOT! You need to find something better to use, I'd advise either first person, using the pronoun I, or third, using he/she.
C: You have a major problem in the fact that there is no focal character, understand, the point of writing a novel is to give your reader a hard emotive punch. Nobody ever bought a novel for any other reason other than that they thought they'd get a kick out of it. You need a focal character with whom your readers can 'fee', they feel sorry for him when he gets hurt, because they know him, they know him because you've focused on him! Please, choose a character (If this is your first time writing then I'd advise you to choose a guy: men usually write better when their focal character is a guy too - the characters are more real) as a focal point and use him/her.
Okay, there you've got a good overall for you. Overall being all the very general problems. One thing I might add (Though it is truly opinionated), is that the beginning part (In Juniors POV) is a bit hard to understand, your wording is rather . . . strange.
Grammar: Your grammar is rather messy, because, as mentioned before, your tense changes. Here are some examples of where you mess up:
There are a couple mistakes with this, A: You can't whisper 'under' music, you can whisper over it, but not 'under' it. B: The second sentence doesn't really make sense (You need some punctuation or a re-write) C: 'Rearview' is spelled 'rear-view'. D: The first paragraph had a glitch, you used 'did' instead of 'does'. It's a quickly little thing you start doing more and more as the story progresses, the only way I know to fix it is to choose one tense and hold to it.
I would go through it all and pick out the mistakes, but this chapter is a bit large for that, I'm afraid. You need to get yourself a free editor (I can point you to the right people) or do it yourself. But good luck anyway!
Spelling: Your spelling, overall is really pretty good. Though in a lot of places your grammar does not make sense, your spelling is really good. I didn't find any obvious mistakes other than an occasional word like 'rear-view' misspelled. Good work here! Good spelling is important.
Style: I've already been extensively into your tense problems so I'll pass over them now, but tense is part of style. Here you didn't do so well, your tense's are messed up, and so are your POV characters. In my view, you should never change the point of view character in the same chapter (If at all), but that you must have one.
Theme: I'm not quite sure I like this part of your story (It's feeling a bit more of a mature theme), but you're doing well here, really a first chapter is too early to judge theme. But I like it how I can feel it early, that's a high point in my mind. I'm not going to say anything real about this until I've read a bit more of your story, for now: Good work, keep this up!
Plot: Your plot is, like your theme, hard to point out after having only read the first chapter. But I feel you have one, again. Good work. I know that something is going to happen in this story, that there is going to be some kind of plot, but I can't tell you what that is till I'm practically done with the book. So for now I'll just keep up with your progress. Good work, keep this up!
Dialogue, Action, Monologue & the rest: Good work here, really. Most of it is pretty good, the only thing I have to comment on is your description of things and your wording are both rather odd, messy. In need of work. I mean, you describe things without color, and you don't make sense at times.
Re-cap: You need to fix up a lot of things, Tense, Description, Grammar . . . lots of things. Your pace overall is really slow as well, really, if you want to keep a reader you need a faster pace than this!
But good work, I enjoyed it. It's plot was exemplary in the feel, and I really appreciated it!
Good work! Keep writing!
~Black~
Hey thank you so much for such an honest and thorough review. I have a problem with tense, I definitely know that. I am not a beginning writer - I think you figured that out by the length of this chapter - I usually write in 1st person just because it's easier, so I wanted to challenge myself. I see what you mean by the tense problems though, I haven't gone back and fixed them because I'm trying to hash this epic out before anything else. Like, instead of saying, she says as she walks into the room. Change that to like a past tense: she said as she entered the room. I make that mistake a lot, I know how to fix it but just havent' gotten around to it.
The fact that you find my writing 'odd' is actually flattering to me. The fact that my work stands out to for some reason makes me happy. It makes me feel like I have voice in the literary world.
As for the focal characters...I've had this idea in my head since high school and I never wrote it out because I knew it would be so hard to capture the feelings of every character and story line I want. I was actually inspired by George RR Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice and his own championing of the 3rd person omnipresent. Believe, by the time that I cover each family - there are three overall for this book, the Evans', the Frank's, and the Gold's - I think that the audience will have grown to love and relate to at least one, if not all the characters. This particular book will aim primarily on Victoria, and Josh Evans, Dr. Frank and his eldest daughter (haven't picked a name because I haven't wrote her in yet), and Philip Gold. Although all the other characters have a significant part in the progression of the story, I wanted to - like you said - break the epic in pieces and slowly reveal each characters true motives.
As for the length of this chapter...it is only half of the first chapter. I know it seemed like it was slow, but I was only reminded of the first 50 pages of Game of Thrones which was covered in the season premier of the show. It was a slow build but totally worth a nail biting resolve. . . . And that was only half of the first chapter.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoy the rest of what I have posted. I'm still working and will be uploading another chapter soon.
That's gotta be the biggest reply I've ever gotten for a review! Thanks.
Anyway, my point about keeping a focal character still holds I'm afraid. You can make your readers feel multiple characters, but they can't really get a-hold of every twinge in their emotions (As they can when you focus on one only).
_-_
Hello champ!
CM here with a quick comment.
I really liked it first of all, wait scrap that, I loved it. It really was excellent and your writing makes me groan in envy, (seriously).
I'll show you some of the lines I liked.
From there the hours seemed to blend together like a collage of events too sudden for Junior’s four year old mind to comprehend, but twenty-two battles of Pokemon, a full season of Phineas and Ferb, and thirty-six hours of an altering variety of radio hip-hop Junior was left to wonder what exactly got him into such a long and uncomfortable car ride.
I'm not sure what I liked about this but it struck me for some reason. I suppose it's because I was much like Junior when I was little, Phineas and and Ferb, Pokemon, it all struck home for me.
It was fascinating to the young girls to see their mother so rough, her shoulder length hair fringed and messy, heavy bags weighing her eyes, lack of sleep and nutrients drained her face of any color, under that light she looked grey, her arms locked in Junior’s embrace.
Lovely, really.
Like previous reviewers I would also like to add that you could provide more information on physical appearance, but I don't really not much. Anyway, great piece and I hope to read more.
CM
Hey man, thank you so much for taking the time to review my chapter. I am flattered by your envy and even more excited that you are interested in continuing to read more! Thank you again. Be sure to check out the other post in continuation of this one.
I'm going to leave you with a small comment (I'll write a larger review tomorrow).
Firstly, what perspective are you writing from? Is it third-person omniscient or third-person limited?
This piece reminds me of the work of John Steinbeck ('East of Eden'), Flannery O'Connor ('Wise Blood'), and Fyodor Dostoyevsky ('The Brothers Karamazov') for a number of reasons. Mostly, your prose is not overly verbose at all. Rather, your voice is humble, colloquial, and understated. It very much reminds me of O'Connor, except her writing was much more violent and grotesque.
Though there are some areas that need tweaking, I'm very much enjoying your work and I have a lot more to say.
You'll hear more from me tomorrow.
-H.
It is awesome that my style remind you of so man fabulously talented authors. I really appreciate your thoughts. I look up to you as a writer, and I am very happy that you like my work!
JMR3
This is a great story so far and I didn't find any flaws. Though I do think you could benefit from describing the characters features a little more. Otherwise looking forward to reading more of this story and finding out more about these characters. Junior seems like a very prospective boy for his age but I like that about him. Hope this review is good I know it's not much compared to yours but I'm just starting to get a hang of reviewing.
Keep writing and have fun also welcome to the site.
Thanks you! Be sure to check out the second part of this chapter. And the first part of the second chapter to get a broader scope of Qualm Meadows and its residents.
Nice writing! in the beginning, though, you seemed like you were just trying to take up a little space. but other than that, the book as awesome!. you should definitely keep writing. also one more thing, I think that you might want to describe the characters more I. e. hair color, eye color, skin color, personality. don't stop writing! I will be watching your works
Thanks man, be sure to check out the second part of this chapter. And the first part of the second chapter to get a broader scope of Qualm Meadows and its residents.