Stephanie went into the dark house, creeping as quietly as she could. She has heard rumors of the house haunted and full of monsters. Stephanie had just come to the small town of Bigville. As a child Stephanie was the dare devil of her family. She was always the one to go on the humongous roller coasters. With twists and loops and big drops. When everyone was scared to stand up to bully, she would be the one to say something. She would almost always end up hurt whenever she did something.
When Stephanie heard there was a haunted house she immediately wanted to explore. When she first saw the house she saw the usual scary house look. An old mansion with bats flying in and out of the broken windows.
Now in the house Stephanie started to feel like someone was breathing in her ear. She jumped back and rubbed her ears. She looked around and saw nothing. "You were probably just hearing things" she told herself. Stephanie suddenly sees a shadow move quickly and then disappear. She quickly shined her flashlight all around. Nothing was there.
In front of Stephanie was a grand spiral staircase. She didn't have to to think twice in order to decide if to go. She started up the old stairs with her flashlight constantly roaming around. Every step she took made a creak because the stairs were so old. When she reached the too of the stairs she saw that were many rooms. Most of them were boarded up and had signs spray painted there saying "STAY AWAY" and "DON'T COME IN". Even with the signs there she still wasn't spooked. "Probably some teenagers did it." She says. She walks a bit more and sees there was one room that wasn't boarded up. It was a red door with a goblin's face as the door handle. Her hands rested on the handle and were about to turn it when another shadow runs quickly and dissapears. "Who's there?!" She says to the air. No one answers leaving her with a weird feeling.
Stephanie actually felt scared, but not too much because she still wanted to explore the room with the goblin handle. She opened the door carefully not wanting to make a noise. It creaks open and she steps inside. It is dark but she can faintly see rows and rows of books. The walls were lined with them! In the middle of the room was a table and three comfy looking chairs. "A library" she whispers. When Stephanie wasn't doing anything daring she was reading. Her favorite place was a small spot underneath a humongous tree in the Brook Gardens which was in her old home. There was a tiny swing there that she made herself. She would sit there and just read. Reading always made her feel comfortable. The calming wind and bright green grass. The feeling of being sucked into a good book. Stephanie would escape to any world and love it.
Suddenly a sound brings her back to reality. It sounded of foot steps coming toward her. She lets out a little gasp and her heart drops. She started making silent letters to her family saying she was sorry she always got in trouble and hurt. The footsteps were louder now and faster. Stephanie quickly closes the red door and blocks it with the chairs. She takes out a small handgun and raises it toward the direction of the door. The footsteps are much louder now and something starts banging on the door. "No! Get away!" She yells at the person or thing banging at the door. She curses her self for ever wanting to come. The thing smashes the door and a hand comes out. It's a disgusting green and a little bit hairy. Stephanie shoot the hand hoping the monster would go away. It only makes it angrier and more determined to get her. She looks behind her for anything at all. "A window!" She looks out to see she was very high up. "Shoot. I need some kind of rope" Stephanie searches around for it and finds it in a small drawer. Why a library had rope in it we will never know. "Aha! A rope...in a library. Well no time for that I need to get out" she says to herself.
Stephanie attaches the long rope to the window. Another hand comes out the door and then a face. Wait a minute that just wasnt any face. It was Stephanie's mom! "Mom?" She says confused. "Hi honey! Happy half- birthday! We knew you loved doing these stuff so your dad and I planned this whole thing out" Stephanie's parents took every holiday seriously. Even if it was as little as a half birthday. Stephanie groaned and put her hand on her head. "Oh ma. Seriously! I was actually scared" she said angrily. But then it cooled down. Her parents cared for her this much and did all this just for a half- birthday. Stephanie opens the door and lets her mom into the library. "Where's dad?" She asks. "Oh he's on the roof and made all those shadows. And we also shot cool air toward your ear so it felt like someone was breathing in there." Her mom says. "Now lets get out of this mansion and have some dinner" Stephanie agreed. Doing all this daring stuff can make you hungry. Stephanie and her mom met her dad at the door and they were on there way.
Loved it!!!! I Loved it! I Loved it! I Loved it! Great writing! I felt like I was really there! you should write more!!! I think you should also correct one small mistake. Instead of writing top you accidentally wrote too. Anyway! I still think it is great! I would be willing to read anything you write! I also like this because I can relate to it. I love adventure and I also like to read! Anyway. . . Keep writing!
Your friend,
Buddy886551
SparklingGabbi here to review!
Firstly, I like to point out your spelling mistake.
"When she reached the too of the stairs"
Is 'too' meant to be 'top'?
I would also like to tell you that you did not correctly punctuate your dialogue.
It's (An example):
"It's raining today. I hope it's going to be sunny tomorrow," sighed Anna.
NOT
"It's raining today. I hope it's going to be sunny tomorrow" sighed Anna.
You have to put any sentence-ending punctuation mark, like a comma, exclamation or question mark.
If it does not have a "sighed Anna" or any other object saying anything at the end, it'll end in a full stop.
Another thing you did wrong with your dialogue was that you have to make a new paragraph for each new speaker.
For emaxple:
Anna sighed at the gloomy day. "I wish today wasn't raining. I wanted to play outside."
"I can cheer you up!" Annie yelled. Annie was always positive, no-one have ever seen her frown.
"How?"
"Just follow me."
NOT
Anna sighed at the gloomy day. "I wish today wasn't raining. I wanted to play outside."
"I can cheer you up!" Annie yelled. Annie was always positive, no-one have ever seen her frown. "How?" "Just follow me."
Now let's talk about your tense.
I have noticed that you have changed tense in some paragraphs.
Remember to always make sure that your tense it right.
You MUST keep the tense the same for each paragraph. You can change it when you start a new paragraph or just keep it the smae all along.
VERY GOOD!
I love the idea and plot of the story, and you executed it very well.
The only thing I didn't like is throughout the story you used the word 'when' a little too much when describing Stephanie's actions. Other than that, I enjoyed the story very much. You also had a few spelling mistakes.
You actually got me with the surprise ending. I didn't expect that too happen!
Keep up the amazing work!
NoOne:)
Hi there, cgirl! I'm finally here to review. Heh, heh...*sheepish face*
Thanks for sharing this piece with us. Good luck, and happy writing!
This was cute! Your characters are all quirky and entertaining, and your writing is fairly well-organized. Grammar, sentence structure, and tenses have all already been addressed, so I'll skip over that and move on to some more general things.
It just feels a little rushed to me. I think you could take your time building suspense and characterization. I'm sensing a lot of "telling" and not "showing." For example, you flat out tell us that the narrator is adventurous, but why not let us gather that information for ourselves from her actions? For example:
"Stephanie bounded up the stairs, eager to see what thrills she would find at the top" or something. That's not the greatest example, but you get my point.
The ending is a little too...neat. Everything is explained, so it sort of detracts from the mystery of the piece and invalidates all of the earlier excitement. You might think about leaving one detail unexplained. ooOOOOOOooooo! (<- ghost sound)
Also, pieces of dialogue need to have their own paragraphs. They're selfish that way.
Overall, I think you have a nice little story here. I do think you could take a little more time with it. Short stories don't necessarily have to be super short. They can be pages and pages long. Give your story the courtesy of fully developing and presenting it.
If you have any questions or comments about this review, please feel free to contact me. I'm always happy to help out.
-Sea-
I was totally thinking of leaving a detail unexplained. Like, "Stephanie closed the door behind but before she did she looked around one more time. A pair of glowing eyes were staring right at her. She shrugged it off and thought that it was just the light".
Good little thing you've got going on here! Here are a few things you should consider.
The first thing I noticed was that the structure of your sentences was a little strange. It interrupted the flow of your piece and made it a little choppy to read. You can easily fix this if you just combine some with conjunctions and stuff, it shouldn't be so hard for you. Also, a lot of your sentences began with the same word, usually "she." It helps keep a reader interested if you switch things up now and again.
Also, your tense switched from past to present after a few paragraphs. To me, it seems like having it in present tense is a good idea as far as creation of good suspense, but you should then change the first and the last bit.
I was super curious about the relationship between her and her parents. They're so quirky and funny, but the end seemed a little too fast and maybe it would be good to add a little about them to the beginning part.
So many of us would be curious about the inside of a haunted house, and you did a great job of creating that, but putting in a lot more and deeper detail would really amp up the suspense and make a greater reason for the audience to feel her fear.
Good job with this though! Keep at it!
SPECIFIC REFERENCES:
"She was always the one to go on the humongous roller coasters. With twists and loops and big drops."
Why do you have that first period? You don't seem to need any punctuation at all here. In fact, that second sentence is a fragment. I would suggest just taking out the period and letting the sentence flow naturally.
"When everyone was scared to stand up to bully, she would be the one to say something."
You need an article before "bully". (such as: "...everyone was scared to stand up to a bully...")
"Stephanie suddenly sees a shadow move quickly and then disappear."
I have two issues with this sentence. First, it's present tense while most of the story is past tense. Secondly, the advert "quickly" should come before "move" which subsequently should be renamed "moved" to reflect the tense issue that I just mentioned).
"Nothing was there."
This might be me getting nitpicky, but... I don't like the phrasing of this sentence. "There was nothing" would seem better. I know this might be nitpicky, and I might be wrong, but... I just don't like this phrasing...
"When she reached the too of the stairs"
"too" should be "top".
" "A library" she whispers."
Is this necessary?
"Suddenly a sound brings her back to reality. It sounded of foot steps coming toward her."
Find a way to combine this into one sentence. Like "The sound of foot steps jolted her back into reality" or something.
"She takes out a small handgun"
What? She doesn't seem like the kind of person to keep one on her. Her reaction in the bit following this was also odd, as she has been built up as this courageous person who isn't afraid of anything, but suddenly the sound of footsteps put on her edge beyond belief.
"She looks behind her for anything at all. "
Rephrase.
""Aha! A rope...in a library. Well no time for that I need to get out" she says to herself."
Cut this.
" But then it cooled down. Her parents cared for her this much and did all this just for a half- birthday."
Combine these sentences.
The entire last paragraph:
Paragraph break whenever you have a new speaker, it makes the story flow better.
OVERALL RESPONSE:
This is a very interesting story. The ending is somewhat disappointing, a little anti-climatic, but that's all subjective. There were some grammar issues which I pointed to above. Comma placement and tense consistency are two main things I would suggest you work on to improve this story. Other than that, though, good story. The sense of a mysterious house was very well done, and I like your protagonist, even if she broke character at the end.
Hii! Welcome to YWS!
But I did not expect this ending!!! AWESOME!! 
I liked this story a lot! Its completely different than anything I'd read here! Usually a supernatural story ends, well, supernatural-y
Kay, aside from that there were a few problems to this story.
The tense was one such problem. At one point, you've gone with past tense, and the next point its present tense. You need to check that.
Also, you've used 'Stephanie' too many times. Once or twice, its fine but when you use it continuously, it sounds like a child's story. So you check that too.
She says to whom?
This doesn't make sense. I think it should have been more like:
Its just a suggestion
You didn't have to say it out when its already mentioned that we'll never find out why a rope is in a library. You didn't have to say it in a dialogue as well.
Okay, thats all I have to say
I really love the plot of this story!
Keep it up!
P.S- If my review came out a little too harsh, I apologise. I'm having a bad hair day
I did like this piece, but for me it didn't flow as well as it could. I couldn't distinguish if it was past or present, but I don't know if that's just me.
For the first sentence, I suggest wording it as:
"Stephanie crept into the dark house as quietly as she could."
To me, your wording felt really awkward on this sentence.
I must be sounding really nit-picky right now, sorry.
On this sentence: She has heard rumors of the house haunted and full of monsters.
I think you should add being before the word haunted so as to make it sound a little better.
I loved your ending and I think this was a story that was a little unsettling, but enough not to freak me out. (I hate stories like that, brrr)