This is just an idea so tell me what you think below!
I jump over and under branches as I run through the windy forest. My breaths are quick and I'm sweating as my legs pump up and down making me go faster. I can feel my shirt get wet from the sweat of being scared and running. I trip over a rock and fall. My face meets the earth and I hear a thud. I can feel pain in my knee and know I scraped it. I ignore the pain and get up as quickly as I can and turn around. Suddenly pain rushes to my head from my neck. I fall to the ground clenching my head. The pain is unbearable and I can't get up. I try to get up the pain still there in my head. I limp as I turn to see the twelve faint figures behind me. They look like ghosts, souls lost. I found them.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is a pretty short little introduction here, and well I'm assuming this is pretty much a sort of prologue here anyway cause it does seem to be doing the job of one. At first glance, this does actually seem surprisingly effective though, I will give you that...despite its size, this one manages to actually come off pretty impressive here.
I love the way this scene flows, you really get yourself into the shows of this person here. You've picked some really good sentence lengths there to get the feeling of this thing almost beating in short quick bursts much like the heart of this person and just the effect that's created here as the tension of running away for this person's life slowly builds up all the way to that big reveal at the end is just done really well here.
The way the whole pain of falling down and then the headache comes through, especially with the reveal of the souls at the end, really makes for an awesome point to end things on, with everything building up to a climax until it ends with a cliffhanger. All in all, a solid looking intro here. This definitely seems like a story that I'd read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Intriguing. Definitely interested to read more if you decide to continue this. There's not much else I can say because you haven't given much here. But even so, I think you have a good thing going here and that this idea could blossom into something so much more amazing if you can't it up. Nonetheless, let me know if what you decide. I would love to know more about this 'faint figures' and why she's running. Nice work. -IceWinifredd
Hey there! Thought I'd return the review favor since you already gave me some wonderful critics. (Thanks!)
Okay, let's dive in. I'm all about quick short intros that get to the point and pull the reader in and this is exactly what you did here. I think you should continue the idea eventually because you left me hanging:
I really, really like how you ended this paragraph. Nothing like a cliffhanger right off the bat.
Alright, time for me to get nit picky and such, it had to happen eventually.
There were a couple sentences that were a tidbit awkward:
I understand that you are trying to communicate that your character tripped and fell hard but it could be done in a better way. The second part of the second sentence is also a little awkward. If your character has just fallen wouldn't he/she not only hear the thud but feel it? Also later of these two sentences is repeating what you say in the first, just adding more detail. How about you combine these two sentences into something that makes more of an impact and creates a better image? Something like this:
The second time your character falls you said this:
I think you meant "clutching" instead of "clenching" because I think you wanted to say that the character is holding her/his head in their hands. Just a small nitpick to make it flow better.
My next critique is repetition. Throughout this piece you use the word "pain" whenever you want to show the pain the narrator is in. There's different words you can use instead of "pain." For instance you can use throb, pulsation, pricking, etc. Or dress up the word with an adjective. For example:
The way you present the word can change the feel of the whole piece. If you are talking about falling and scraping your knee, it might be something you can get up and shake off. However, if you are only three-years-old and you fall and scrape your knee, it will be an entirely different experience. It might be the most unbearable pain you have ever felt. You could describe it like this:
Okay enough of my rambling, you probably are wondering when I am going to shut up and just submit this review already. The only downside of having a short intro is that I have to reach and dig for edits in what little you have given me.
One last thing! I wish you had described the figures the narrator sees. Because there are many different types of ghosts that have been described through time. And just edit this phrase a little bit to make an even more fantastic ending to the intro. This is your last chance to hook your reader even more than you already have so make it good!
Wheh. I am so sorry for rambling as much as I did. I hope you drew something useful from such a long-winded critique. Anyways. I really would enjoy to see more of this story because, again, you left me hanging. It's a great start and I am excited for what else you have in store in that brilliant imagination of yours. I am truly curious about why the narrator was searching for these "lost souls" (or are they???) and why they were going to such lengths and overcoming injuries to find "them." But that's the great job you have as the author. With all the fancy plot twists and such you hopefully have in store. Will be looking for more soon! Keep writing!
-Jadefox
This is a very good start. I really want to see where it goes.
BUT- The sentences are a little choppy. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, because it is first person and he's running, but sentence structure and flow is very important for writing. It is definitely a work in progress and I WANT to see more.
Keep writing hehe
that was supossed to be a review not a comment.... but ok :/ O_o
Thanks!
Hey, cgirl!
Just get used to writing different ways, and you'll develop an ear for what sorts of effects each structure evokes. Once you get into it, sentence structure (in my opinion) is really rather interesting. 
I think you have an interesting start here. Obviously you have plenty of room for plot and character development, but that's the fun part!
Personally, I don't like intros or prologues except in a few exceptions. I find it much more interesting to be given tidbits of information throughout the rest of the work. This allows your reader to interact with the text and make his or her own conclusions and discoveries. But when you say "intro," I'm not sure if you mean that this is an actual introduction included in your novel, or if it's just a brief note of an idea. I hope that made sense... Anyway, if it is an actual introduction you plan to include in your novel, I would greatly advise you to expand it. Although I haven't read the rest of your story (obviously), this almost seems like you could make an extended version a first chapter.
Syntax:
I see you've received several reviews about the repetitive nature of your writing. It's not so much the repetition of words that bothers me, but the repetitive syntactical structure. Look at each of your sentences. They all begin with a subject, followed immediately by the verb. And all of your sentences are either simple or compound. Try varying your sentence beginnings and structure. Why don't we start with sentence beginnings? Off the top of my head, here are some ways to start a sentence. I'll use the same skeleton of a sentence, and vary the beginning.
1) Subject
The panda sat idly in the shade and gnawed on the leafy stalk of bamboo.
2) Participial Phrase
Sitting idly in the shade, the panda gnawed on the leafy stalk of bamboo.
3) Adverb
Idly, the panda sat in the shade and gnawed on the leafy stalk of bamboo.
4) Prepositional phrase
In the shade, the panda sat idly and gnawed on the leafy stalk of bamboo.[/i]
5) Adverbial Clause
As the panda sat idly in the shade, he gnawed on the leafy stalk of bamboo.
6) Absolute
Mouth watering, the panda sat idly in the shade and gnawed on the leafy stalk of bamboo.
Those are just a few of the ways you could start a sentence. As you can see, some of the sentences were more awkward than others, and you just have to look at each sentence individually and decide what effect you want to achieve.
Now, for sentence structure:
You have four basic types of sentences: simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex.
Simple: The panda eats and sleeps.
Compound: The panda eats, and he sleeps.
Complex: The panda, who turns somersaults, eats and sleeps.
Compound-Complex: The panda, who turns somersaults, eats and he also sleeps.
Can you see how all of your sentences either say "I did this." or "I did this and I did this."? That's an exaggeration, but when you use the same sentence structure, the reader loses interest. Try playing around with some of your sentences and practice writing all four kinds of sentences. They don't even have to be relevant to the storyline. Write about pandas!
Other than that, the only thing that really jumped out at me was "faster and faster." This little juxtaposition is really quite overused, and you shouldn't have to need it. Think of a more vivid verb than "ran" to convey this image without using contrite phrases.
I can't wait to see where you're heading with this! I think you could really turn this into a very thrilling piece.
I hope I've been somewhat helpful. Please don't hesitate to ask me if you have any questions or comments about my review. If I can go into anything in more detail for you, I'd be happy to do so. Or if I need to clarify my ramblings, I can (try to) do that too.
Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-
Thank you!
OK I edited it. @JCK
Thank you guys! I'll need to edit it later though because today I will be busy.
I can see you're fairly new to this, and I don't mean you to take offense at that; simply that everyone has to start somewhere and you've been lucky enough to have a novel idea early on.
Now this review may sound overly critical but I'm doing it so that you may improve as a writer. It took me the latter half of a 40,000 word novel before I knew the difference between its and it's and you're and your, but I got there in the end and so will you.
The thing I'm going to help you with is your repetition, when you write your are creating a world with words and you are trying to show it to your reader: repetition and mundane re-hashes of the same ideas and words do not fly. Within the first six sentences, you've effectively repeated yourself about three different topics:
"I run faster and faster through the windy forest."
"My legs pump up and down making be go faster."
And
"My breaths are quick and I'm sweating."
"I can feel my shirt get wet from my sweat from being scared and running."
And
"I trip over a rock and fall."
"My face meets the earth and I hear a thud as I fall."
Can you see what I mean? The best thing to do with these would be to combine them into three longer sentences which hold all of the descriptive elements, rather than drawing out a long and arduous six sentences which a reader might find boring to read. Your character is supposed to be running, and this is written in present tense first person, your words should sound rushed, panicked, perhaps even stuttering. If your character is truly afraid, then it should emanate from the words you choose.
Just my thoughts. Have a good day!
Hiyya! Review time!
I'm waiting to find out what happens next!
Okay, let me say this. You've got me intrigued as to what the story is. It certainly keeps me thinking. Its short. It could have been a little. But then again, its only my opinion
Moving on, there were just too many periods. Too many. The sentences just kind of end abruptly. There seems to be a lack of fluidity. Nothing that cant be fixed!
But it looks like the mistakes have already been pointed out. I don't want to be a horrible person and reiterate the same
All it needs is some editing and its as good as...good? I don't know, I lost my trail of thought
Anyways, I find it intriguing and I wanna know what happens next. If you write the next one. could you please tell me?
Keep writing!
Good job!
-Divz
Too many full stops mean you end up using 'I' so many times. I wonder if you can find a way to connect some of the sentences to eliminate the overuse of 'I'. It's a problem I too struggle with when I sit down to write any short story and it only makes the story sound repetitive. " I can feel my shirt get wet from my sweat from being scared ", again I would say the word 'from' is used twice in a very short interval for my liking. I think you meant "making me go faster" but that's just a typo I guess. One more thing. You end with the line "I found them". I can only assume you are referring to the twelve faint figures. Then what is the protagonist running away from? All in all, I don't really think, content wise, anyone can tell you whether it's a good idea or not. The above lines hardly describe anything about the idea. Maybe you just want a review on the literary style that you have adopted for the novel. In that case I can only advise you to avoid the repetition and be a little more elaborate. It's going to be a novel I think, not a short story so you can afford going into detail a bit. I would love to read something in detail about the idea of the novel and then give you a proper review about the content. Your style of writing is just too simple. Style it up a bit friend. Cheers.
@caeai@Ignorance I just edited it.
I like the impression I've gotten from this snippet. Not going into detail definitely intrigues a reader, wants them to continue, discover just exactly what the twelve figures are.
Grammatical first:
You wrote:
"No! I need to get away" I tell myself.
What needs to be said: "No! I need to get away(! or , or .)" I tell myself. Your character could also scream it frustratedly.
You wrote:
I get up as quickly as I can and fun around.
Could it be:
I get up as quickly as I can and (turn or run) around?
Now, my suggestions:
When you write what your character is doing while evading capture, you can't simply state it.
You wrote:
My breaths are quick and I'm sweating.
My suggestion:
My chest heaves as my legs pump in a frantic effort while sweat drips down my back.
You describe the sound and the frustration of the character when they fall, but, unless they have too much adrenaline, wouldn't there be some pain?
I like the interest with which you leave the reader, but I'm going to throw some ideas out there.
I'm not sure what subgenre you're going for, horror, romantic, etc., but you lead into the ending words.
You wrote:
They look like ghosts, souls lost and I found them.
My suggestion (If horror):
They look like ghosts, souls lost.
I found them.
Thank you for the advice! I will definitely take it and change some mistakes.
Hey.
Welcome to YWS. I'll post a comment on you wall in a minute.
Okay, well, I link the idea of these mysterious 12 Spirits and what they want with the main character. It seems like a nice idea, but this post is much too short, even for an intro. What you should have done was drawn it out, given the reader a better insight on what the heck is going on.
I highly suggest adding to this. Most intros are a few pages long in books, so you could make this work about 10 paragraphs long, 5-8 sentences per paragraph. We need some background, some details, to make this interesting.
To be bluntly honest, I have lost interest in this because it's so short, it has no details, no dialogue. We don't even know the main characters name! It's like a hamburger with nothing on it, no ketchup, no mustard, no pickles, no nothing! We need added ons. We need details. We need more than just a paragraph.
Did that help? I hope it did. Please, please take my advice, add on a lot more details, and also remember this advice for your future works, whether they be a sequel to this or an entirely new work. Okay? I hope I helped.
Cheers.~
Iggy.
Thanks! It's actually more of just an idea I wanted to out out. But still thanks