Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Ugh. Mum and Dad are going out. Yet again. Sometimes it makes me feel like they are just trying to get away from me. The least they can do is let me stay on my own! I’m sixteen for God’s sake! At least my music can drown out their haughty, demanding voices. I can’t believe how good the sound quality is on these new Beats headphones! When everything else in life goes wrong, music just reminds me why I’m still here on this dump we call Earth. The familiar “ping” of my phone interrupts the chorus of the song and I look down at my phone to see a text from James:
HI. R U STILL MAD @ ME?
Well duh! James broke my heart, obviously I’m going to stay mad at him for more than two hours. I just can’t believe that he would actually break up with me for my own best friend… Even the mere thought of him brings a gushing river of salty tears to my eyes.
//
“Willow, Grace is here!” calls my insanely patronizing mother. Time to meet another boring student with nothing better to do than sit here in my house studying. Still bitter from James’s dumb text, I storm down stairs ready to meet my next prison cell guard. The girl in front of me however, does not look like my average babysitter. She looks about seventeen. She is extremely thin and extremely pale, her dark eyes flitting to and fro like a hyper toddler runs from candy shop to candy shop. She has long wispy blonde hair and carries a small wooden briefcase.
“Nice to meet you,” murmurs the girl, not daring to make eye contact with me, “my name is Grace and I’ll take care of you while your mum and dad are out”. For a second, an anxious smile wavers across her face before a look of consideration overtakes. It seems like she’s trying to determine whether or not she should have done that. Slightly freaked out by the abnormality of this girl, I hurry back upstairs to my music.
//
It’s been half an hour since mum and dad left and I have passed that time finishing off an essay and cursing James and Rhianna. On my class group chat there are about forty new messages from everyone asking why do I have to be such a bitch? Apparently Rhianna spread some rumour about me and now everyone is venting their “true feelings” about me. The shit I see really hits home and I am weeping into my pillow after seeing only half of the mean messages they sent. I’m done. I’m just done with taking all of this crap.
//
I’m composing a tragic love song when a metallic clatter reaches my ears. Wondering whether or not Grace broke anything, I hurry down the stairs, phone still in hand. When I reach the bottom, I see Grace’s mangled body sprawled across the kitchen tiles. The wooden briefcase she was carrying lies open on the worktop. It is full of knives. On Grace’s left forearm the word “Drake” is driven into her skin. I see now that it is not just red ink, and Grace did not just fall over unconscious. This is suicide. Suddenly, all of the horrible things that happened come flooding back into my mind in a colossal tidal wave. Accident, bitch, whore. Those three words are chanted in my mind over and over again. Accident, bitch, whore. Accident, bitch, whore. Accident, bitch, whore. Accident, bitch, whore. Accident, bitch, whore. Driven by the hopelessness of life, I grab the nearest knife, mutter a quick prayer, and plunge it into my stomach. All of a sudden, relief rushes through me as if a dam had been broken. The sticky crimson patch of my shirt clinging to my body feels like the epicenter of this alleviation. When the black shrouded figure appears, I go gladly into his inviting arms. All I can think about is that he holds me the way James never held me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
...What just happened?
Okay, before I start giving compliments, the nitpicks/various problems:
-The development seemed to be much too short. I mean, I understand that in the beginning she was angry for her boyfriend leaving her for her best friend and that she's upset over her friends suddenly turning her back on her, but it didn't seem to scream 'despair' or 'oh dear' or 'I should just kill myself now I have nothing to live for'. This is especially not supported by the voice, which generally screams 'Imma kill a man', not 'Imma kill myself'. Maybe if she killed herself thinking 'Haha, let's see how you feel once I'm dead!' it would've worked. At least, that's how I see it.
-You don't need to tell the entire story of Grace and who Drake is, but it does help to get a little bit of a conversation between the two characters that does foreshadow the future.
Now, the compliments:
-I liked James's text. It just sort of highlights his douchebaggery without telling us directly. However, I would say that you don't need to say: "Well duh! James broke my heart, obviously I’m going to stay mad at him for more than two hours." it sort of cushions the impact, telling us he 'broke her heart'. Try just saying what happened and leaving the reader to imagine how the protagonist feels. Unrelated example: "My mother and father are both dead, the person who killed them is out of prison, and I'm now living in an orphanage filled with child molesters" is much more powerful than "I'm angry at my life and I want to die."
-While I don't feel much for Grace because she's much too underdeveloped, I like how she writes Drake on her wrists without any explanation. Kind of leaves things to interpretation, which is always nice. But don't forget to fill the necessary dots.
-The protagonist sounds like a teenage girl. The problem I've found with most YA books lately is that the MC's tend to be devoid of personality so that the audience may slip into their skins, which just leaves a black hole in a story filled with promise for me. I feel the personality seep from this character, the teenage attitude, the longing for rebellion--which is, of course, rare. I just felt that the last part didn't perfectly fit her character.
And that's it. Overall, while I did think this was good, the last part took me out of the world for a moment.
Signing out. -EM.
Thank you!
First of all hello!
Praise: The story has a modern feel to it. Also Your character's personality is clearly shown in the first paragraph. I like your use of figurative language throughout the story.
I honestly love the idea you came up with for the plot. The end was surprising I wasn't expecting that to happen to her when i first started reading.
I enjoyed reading this and thought it was great.
Other: I feel like the story went by to fast. It escalated way to quick. I think you should have added more detail in many different parts throughout the story.
I would have like some background on the babysitter as well as the main character.
Sorry for such a short review I hope this helped you. I can't wait to read more of your work!
Thanks!
Hey, cg26
Right, I feel like this story escalated very quickly, I mean when I was reading it I was just thinking 'man this MC is whiny' and then the ending happened and I just don't feel like there was the correct build up to it. Anyways, I guess the idea of the story is pretty unique, the whole babysitter thing like mirroring the feelings of the MC? yeah.
Like I said it just all seems quite a bit rushed to me, try and expand on more details. The whole time I was reading it I was thinking that the MC isn't very likeable because she complains about her life a lot but then we don't really know why, or just really not explained things like about James, and we don't fully know why she hates her boyfriend. So yeah, just try and explain those things. I felt bad for thinking that after reading the ending, but again, there needs to be more background towards that ending and is this story is quite short already I think you've got loads of room to add in more detail.
Show, don't tell! Why is her mother patronising? Obviously, she wants the MC to have a babysitter when she's 16 which is pretty patronising, but what else. Try and show this more through her actions rather than just calling the mum patronising.
I know the topic of this story is pretty upsetting but this line is far far far too generic and honestly just seems a bit cheesy and takes away from the seriousness of it all. Maybe phrase it in a different way, is this really what the character does when she's feeling sad? Because you haven't really described the character that well this seems a bit out of place.
I don't really understand why her parents don't trust her on her own but then get a 17 year old babysitter, I mean isn't that a bit odd considering they're basically the same age? Wouldn't they make the effort to talk to each other considering they're the same age? I just don't really understand, and why does the babysitter decide to commit suicide here? Basically, there are just a lot of questions I have reading this story.
Sorry this review is a bit short, I found this quite hard to review to be honest because the ending was rather unexpected and sad. I think the main thing to do here is go in more detail on everything, otherwise you get a rather unlikeable, unrelatable MC, and you don't want that you want your readers to have a level of understanding and feel some empathy. Hope this helps, if you have any questions feel free to ask me questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Ok, thank you
I'm not sure what you could call this.... But I'll probably come up with some suggestions at the end of this review.
~The nit-picky stuff~
You should probably have a bit more paragraphing here. The way you didn't isn't confusing or anything, but it's probably better if you do. You usually switch paragraphs when you're writing about a different character or subject.
~The good things~
'Ugh. Mum and Dad are going out. Yet again. Sometimes it makes me feel like they are just trying to get away from me. The least they can do is let me stay on my own! I’m sixteen for God’s sake! At least my music can drown out their haughty, demanding voices.' And basically the rest of your first paragraph.
This is a fine way of demonstrating how your main character is. You've done this very well with your lead so that it's showing rather than telling. Their personality and character traits are so obvious to me. It's really well done how you managed to do that. (I was starting to wonder if she wanted suicide....)
'Driven by the hopelessness of life, I grab the nearest knife, mutter a quick prayer, and plunge it into my stomach. All of a sudden, relief rushes through me as if a dam had been broken. The sticky crimson patch of my shirt clinging to my body feels like the epicenter of this alleviation. When the black shrouded figure appears, I go gladly into his inviting arms. All I can think about is that he holds me the way James never held me.'
Holly cow that's a lot to think about! This is quite the intense paragraph. I trust that this was intentional? It's very good. The feelings, description, mood..... I couldn't imagine anything better.
I also loved how you introduced the characters and surroundings. Most of these characters never show up, yet you've demonstrated very well how they are.
~Titles!~
-Because of James
-The Knife Babysitter
-Knives
-I'm too Old for Babysitters
-I am What my Class Thinks of Me (While this isn't true, it is kind of what your character succumbed to, right?)
-Two Suicides
While I'm not sure if these are good titles or not, I hope I have helped in some way!
That's all from me! Have a perfectly fantastic what-ever-time-of-day-it-is!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thank you! This has made my day
Yay!