Published October 10, 2010
Even as you kiss her cheek,
I hold out a foolish hope.
For every tick of the clock,
You crush another dream.
For every dream that lie in shards beside me,
I weave yet another.
My gasp could barely be concealed,
As you take more than a kiss from her cheek.
Un-shed tears burn both my heart and eyes,
As my obsession tears me to pieces.
I pleaded with myself,
To just let him go.
My shredded heart agreed,
But my mind paid no heed.
What's the point in life,
If there's no one to hold you tight?
If there's no hope in love,
Is there any hope for me?
Every argument forgotten,
As I find comfort in the fact,
That I can't love.
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141,409 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hello, cfakc. My, that's a very unique name you've given yourself. Mind if I just refer to you as Cee?
Here, in this stanza, you are speaking as if you're talking to the boy - who goes without a name - directly. As if you were writing this note to him to leave on his doorstep on a windy October night. Please excuse that burst of unneeded imagination.I like the story that you're trying to put across. A girl is staring at her lover - her obsession - as he fondles and fawns over some other woman. I want to bring out in the open something that caught my attention. It has to deal with your tenses.
If you would look here, you are now speaking as if you are telling someone else about how he's hurt you and what he is doing. It gets confusing and I had to read the whole poem over just to make sure I was not making up words. To fix this little problem, all you need to do is simply change "him" to "you".
Your flow is a bit off and choppy, making this poem hard to read. In some places you rhyme and the rhythm is great, but, in others, the flow is off and makes the reading seem cut up and rusty.
The rhythm is decent until you hit the bolded stanza, the fourth one. That is where things get out of line. Perhaps you have entered one word too many or maybe you just need to re-word this excerpt a bit. I'm in no place to tell you what to do exactly, seeing as this isn't something that has only one way to be corrected, but I can tell you that it needs to be altered a bit so that it fits easier. The same can be said for the stanzas to follow. My best advice would be to read through this again out loud and, where things start to get rusty, imagine up ways to improve the parts that are in need of help.
Like I said earlier, I did really enjoy the plot and it was a good, yet sad, story to tell.
Ta-ta.
Sorry, I'm used to story formats. Thanks for the feedback, though.
Hi there,
First off, I think Hibiscus, here, pretty much said it all. The flow... It really needs work. I believe that there's pauses there that don't need to be. This is a lovely poem, but the flow breaks it all to pieces and therefore we don't truly appreciate it. Te be honest, I didn't like it before I saw what it looked like after the stanzas were organized. Its way better, and that way we can see what a beautiful poem you have written without the unwanted stops. Hope you know what I mean.
Keep writing!
-Other One
I didn't read anyone else's comments, so pardon me if I repeat anything.
So... this was pretty good.
I just want to say that maybe you could have done better with the flow. It seemed a little off, especially on the third line.
And, I think this should also be separated into stanzas. I think it would work better, because the periods don't stop it enough for me. Like so:
I think that works a little better, but still, that third line is just so off and out of place.
Nitpicks that I have grammar, spelling, punctuation wise are:
And these are just easy things to fix, as you can see.
Despite all these little nitpicks, it's pretty good, but I believe it can be better. My main thing- fix the flow. Secondly, the grammar/punctuation/spelling. And lastly, spice it up a bit. It's kind of... boring. I mean, it's very cliche in the subject, because it's something a lot of people right about. So, my advice, is spice up the language and the images, and make it more lively so that it draws the reader into the poem rather than bores them. (I'm not saying it's boring.) That's just what I would suggest you do.
Overall it's rather interesting, and with some fixing and tuning, it could be really interesting.
That's lovely.
I don't really know what to add, apart from, isn't it spelt 'concealed'? 
My favourite bit is where you say 'For every dream that lay in shards beside me, I weave yet another.'
Beautiful