Published October 10, 2010
I felt your eyes on me, lingering on my face. But I didn't know why. I was normal, with brown hair that hung around my shoulders, and nothing special about me, save my eyes. Everyone I knew always told me, 'Your eyes will make you best.' So I hid, not wanting to find you staring into my gold-brown eyes, not wanting to face your feelings, knowing I could never feel the same. But you caught me when I wasn't ready. Your feelings did the same.
A smooth whisper of rubber on marble, from behind me, and a hand about my wrist.
I turned and tried to free my hand. I was staring into eyes opposite of mine. Two icy, gray-blue pools on light bored into my head. But what I wasn't expecting, the hatred of your glare. I recognized the black hair framing that face. "I believe you'll remember my sister's name, Rosy-Ann, Nate." My mouth formed into a grim line. "She wasn't looking for a feelingless, brainless creep, who'd give her what she wanted. She was looking for some living, breathing, thinking man to see her for what she was. So, if you want to express your anger, go the the empress of stupidity. I'm not Rosy-Ann. And I don't deliver messages either." I turned back and tried to free my hand again. You held on stubbornly. You turned me around, shoved me against the wall, and pressed your lips to mine.
"I'm not Nate." you whispered, before you faded into blackness.
I woke up, cursing my mind. The guy I hated most, leaking even into my dreams. My sister's boyfriend. My twin wasn't going to give up on him, either.
We were in assembly when I felt eyes on my face. I avoided his gaze and tried to ignore it. I stared at the boy beside him. My sister was holding that boy's hand. I peeked at the boy staring at me. He looked exactly like Nate. S***, Nate had a twin, too. I was the first one out as soon as they released us.
I flew down the hall, and hid behind a pillar. I looked out the window, not listening, not caring. A hand grabbed my wrist and spun me around. I stifled a scream as the same icy blue-gray eyes that taunted me in my dreams stared me down. "Hi." I squeaked out. "I'm-" My introduction was cut short as he covered my mouth with his hand and crammed us both into the nearest janitors closet.
"Jesse." He breathed, his eyes still exploring my face.
I held out my hand. "Jesse. Does Nate hate you as much as Rosy-Ann hates me?"
"I guess. Who're you?" He asked.
"Jesse. It's nice to meet you. I'm Whitney."
His eyes explored my face for about two more seconds. Then he backed me into a wall and shoved his mouth on mine. I sighed happily. I shook my hair out of its barette. He braided his fingers in my hair and held me close. I didn't mind. I was in the Land of Bliss.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there!
This is confused set of lines for dialogue. She's about to say her name when he tells her his. Okay. But, don't have your MC start both sentences with Jesse. Also, if he didn't know her, why did he grab her hand? If he did know her, why did he ask who are you? Also, chronologically, these could do with some re shuffling for them to make sense.So, this reminds me of an Indian movie I saw with mix ups between twins and romance between them. It had its hilarious moments. Onto the review.
I liked the start. It was good, and held me interested.
I think this could do with more description. I get what's going on and well, I do think you should expand it, adding more good description.
Well, maybe she thinks Nate is a bad guy because he's going for her sis, but she would know something about him. You could dwell a little more character development.
So soon? This was weird. You need to develop their relationship and show us something more.
The choice of words for the ending could be better. You can rephrase and make a better ending out of it
~Lava
Hey there!
I'm Mo, and I'll be giving you a little review.
Before I begin, I'd just like to say that I really liked the plot and storyline of the piece.
Key: bold - my suggestions
red - my corrections
This sentence doesn't make sense, "your eyes will make you best" seems like an odd explanation of her eyes, maybe you could re-word this a little?
This is a pretty powerful section, my only nit-pick is that you have used the word "same" quite a lot and the repetitiveness is distracting from the writing. Maybe try using another suitable word. Also, the last sentence doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense; you have already mentioned his feelings towards her, and saying: "Your feelings did the same" seems a little odd.
The first sentence is a little confusing - maybe [as you have already stated what her eyes where like] you could just say something like 'I stared into his eyes...'
This section is good, and I like the forcefulness of her words - my only little critisism is that your character seems to have automatically assumed that Nate is a bad guy for some reason - maybe you could give her more obvious reasons to be saying this e.g. a backstory of Nate suggesting his behaviour - so that the reader can easily understand why she is yelling/forcefully talking to him.
I really love this line. It brings a lot of expression to the peice.
I also really like this line - because it brings a lot of clarity to the situation.
I think this is really and awesome part of the story, however it seems a little odd that she had never noticed that her twin's boyfriend also had a twin before this very moment.
This is a pretty good ending. It seems a little bit quick, and a tiny bit confusing, but all in all a pretty good piece.
Overall I think that there is a bit of confusion in the writing, which you can easily fix. And just expanding it will improve it.
I really enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing, and good luck.
If you need any furthur explanation of anything, or any questions, I'm happy to help just send me a Personal Message.
~Mo.
Sorry for the confusion. I think I cleared it up.
She already said that.
This seems a little fast...
I was in the Land of Bliss.
This is a great story. I really like it!! You have really good writing! Keep going!
Alzora