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Festival Part 1

by cdr6633


Festival 

Prologue (Thank you!!!)

Every single year my mother would take me to the pumpkin fest in my small town in Ohio. And every single year I would decline and beg her not to take me. There wasn’t any reason why. I just didn’t want to go. You would automatically think that any child would want to go to something so festive and full of Fall fun. And don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t unusual or peculiar. I was like any other child my age. I played with my Barbie and my expensive American Girl doll. I pretended to be a bride marching down the isle. I loved to learn and play with my friends. I just didn’t want to do this. The Pumpkin Fest was considered to be one of the most enjoyable times of the year in our tiny town. Everyone flocked from miles away just to be near to the gigantic pumpkin patch, orange and yellow decorations, and the many amusement rides. Like I told you, there wasn’t any reason for me to not want to go to this festival. I guess if there was a reason, I would have to say it is the feeling I get from seeing it all… All the joy ridden people with little care in the world, having the times of their lives, running around chasing each other to their next destination. All the children laughing and screaming and jumping and pulling and daring each other to go on the scariest ride. All of the parents sitting back and watching their kids while talking to each other about their lives and how they wish the festival would not end. All of this makes me feel ill. Everyone seems so free from care and under all the lights, you would almost think they are held prisoner. Everyone who goes there forgets about their troubles and all their stresses back in the real world. The carnival was a time of enthrallment and delusion. I don’t enjoy seeing my family and friends unguarded and careless. I feel alone and vulnerable when I’m the only one in reality. I guess that was my stupid reason to why I urged my mother to leave me at home. Unfortunately, my reason led to the most vile experience that has ever occurred in my small little town in Ohio.

Chapter 1

“Blanca, you’re starting to freak me out” urged my mother. 

My mother and I were standing in the hall way when my back was turned to her. 

“Please don’t make me go” I pleaded. 

I faced her and gave her my best puppy eyes. “Please”.

“No” my mother spoke in a stern way that only mothers could pull off. 

I went from my passive child-like face to a stubborn teen face. “I’m fourteen years old. I should be allowed to be home alone for a couple hours”.

My mother touched her motherly-warn face to cover her eyes in a disapproving manner.

“Honey, why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? There is no reason for you to skip this. All your friends and aunts and cousins and uncles and grandparents are going. So why can’t you spend a little time with them while enjoying the festival?” she questioned. 

“I just- don’t like big crowds”.

“Bullshit. Ever since you were a little baby, you loved being a part of a group. So don’t be telling me that”.

My mother was quickly seeing through my façade. I looked down in shame. Why was this so difficult for me? My mother rested her hand on my head. She always did that in a comforting way. “Baby, I’m not going to make you do anything. And I know there probably is a reason that you are scared to tell me about-“. “No!” I interrupted. My mother looked me in the eyes and continued. “But, whatever it is, you don’t have to tell me. I just want you to try and go. Who knows? You might meet someone handsome there…” She said slyly. “No I won’t!” I exclaimed. She laughed and I cracked a smile as a result. “ I promise to God, you will have fun. Please just go. For me?”. This time she gave me the puppy eyes. Every part of my body wanted to say no. But what came out of my mouth was an “okay”. “Yay! Go get changed. I’ll bring the car around” she danced off. I stood there in silence for half a minute. Why was this such a big deal? It’s a stupid festival. Its whole purpose was for fun. At that moment I mentally drank liquid courage and moved my ass down to my room to get changed. As I walked, I felt something eerie come over me. An eerie feeling that you get when something bad is about to happen…

Part two: My mother and I didn’t live the lavish life. And any person with half a brain could deduce that by looking at our car. I looked over at my mother who was silently cussing out a storm while trying to get the car to turn on. My seat felt like a hot cushion from prison. I buckled in as the car finally started to awake. “Yes. Thank you Lord Jesus”. praised my mother raising her hand to the roof of the car. I giggled and for a slight moment felt the butterflies in my stomach vanish. It all came back though when I spotted the intense lights racing across the now dark sky. I silently prayed to Jesus that he could break the car down. But that wasn’t in store for me tonight… We drove as I looked out the window at all the people leaving their houses and hustling out into their cars. All the children running and laughing about while their parents locked their doors. My mother was looking at the radio instead of the road to find the “perfect” channel. She played with the knob as bits of Pop, Rock, Hispanic, Classical, Classics, and Rap rang through my ears. I asked her to turn it down. “Oh sorry. Yeah” she said reaching for the volume knob. The radio station she left it on was the local news. “Shit!” my mother hollered when the volume knob hit the ground. She parked the car by the sidewalk so we could get out of the way of on-coming traffic. “Oh, you need help?” I called out. She tried jamming back on the radio but it kept popping off. I was ignoring the insanely loud news, until I heard the word “Killer”. My attention was immediately drawn to the voices coming outside the box. A woman spoke out and said “Darian Wells has been on the look out for over an hour now. He left the Allen Oak Correctional Facility at precisely 4:13 p.m. Police have stated that if anyone were to come into contact with the 6’1 Caucasian man, to immediately call the police. The serial killer is prone to-.” The radio shut off. My mother had managed to place the knob back on and turned the radio off completely. “That’s enough radio for today”. I felt myself go dizzy for a moment. “Did you just here that?!”. My mother looked at me like I had asked her if where babies came from. “Baby, don’t worry about that. That prison is in a completely different city. He is nowhere near the festival.” I still didn’t feel right about it all. “Maybe we should go home?” I suggested. “No. Relax. I swear on my life, he will not be there.” My mom looked me straight in the eyes and I felt some of my anxiety wash away. I looked back out the window and watched the people walk on the sidewalks. I pondered on how many people were trustworthy. Could you trust someone by their face? Their clothes? The way they moved? I wasn’t sure. But that night, I couldn’t trust a soul.

Part 3: After a ten minute search for a parking spot, my mother and I hopped out of the car to stare at the eye-boggling sight that lay before us. The rollercoaster was the tallest attraction there. A wall engulfed the festival, but it wasn’t tall enough to stop onlookers from seeing everything. It truly was beautiful. Colors of red, gold, and yellow were omnipresent. Lights brought energy to the festival and gave it life. You could probably see the festival from a mile away based on how big and bright it was. The screams of joy, melodic music, gears running, and voices rang through my ears. I noticed a huge red and white striped tent in the center of the celebration. It was a gigantic circus tent that looked exactly like the ones you see from movies. This place was a dream come true. I felt a wave of stupidity and excitement rush over me. Why was I scared of something that was so beautiful? I couldn’t think of a single person on earth that wouldn’t find this sight enticing. “You ready hun?” my mother cut in. “Yeah”. When we reached the entrance my mother rushed off to get in the lengthy line of people waiting to buy tickets. If I thought the view from the car was breath taking, the view from the entrance was that times ten. My mother told me to look out for my Uncle and my cousin Cassandra. They were the first people we were supposed to meet up with. It was kind of difficult looking out for them though. People were bustling and moving around everywhere. It was so loud and people were pushing past me like waves. It was like I was a small fishing boat in the middle of an ocean during a storm.

Part 1

(Please Review and let me know if I should finish this!!!)


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6 Reviews


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Reviews: 6

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Mon Oct 08, 2018 5:42 pm
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FCD wrote a review...



Hi,

First of all, I'd like to answer your question about finishing the story. That is a no-brainer.
I think this has the potential to be really good, and it would be a shame if we never go to see part 2.

The first thing I noticed about your story was the lack of paragraphs. Paragraphs make everything easier to read, as they break up the writing into digestible chunks. Another thing that I picked up on was the spacing of your dialogue. The majority of authors start a new line every time a different character speaks. Bad spacing will put off many readers before they even finish the first paragraph.




cdr6633 says...


Thank you so much for the review!



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156 Reviews


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Reviews: 156

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Mon Oct 08, 2018 4:38 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello cdr6633, late welcome to YWS! Katja here to review your short story! As always, feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make, should you find them unhelpful. With that being said, onto the review! :)



Suggestions & Comments

My first suggestion is to break up the story differently. It looks to me like you made part 1, into three parts. Since you implied that there is a part 2 and possibly more, I recommend breaking it up into novel chapters, rather than short story parts, and work the portions into paragraphs.

The top portion seems to be more of a prologue, as it is explaining the basis for the story, providing the reader with locations and information that will help them understand what the story is about before jumping right in. I recommend clarifying this part as the prologue.

Next, I would remove the "part one:" "part two:" "part three:" and set this up as a chapter, altogether. For example, instead of putting the "part"s into the story, just title this "Prologue and Chapter 1", so that it is less broken up and write the story normally like a chapter book.

My second suggestion is on your paragraphs and dialogue. When writing dialogue between more than one character, a new paragraph is started when a different character is speaking or doing something. You also need to use dialogue tags which will clarify the dialogue (who is speaking, etc) and is the correct way of writing. When you don't do this, it is very difficuolt to read the story smoothly, instead making the reader focus on who is speaking to who .

Here are two good resources on proper dialogue in story writing

http://www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the ... in-writing
https://thewritepractice.com/dialogue-tags/

Here's an example from your story (I also corrected a few errors or flow issues)


“Blanca, you’re starting to freak me out,urged my mother urged.
My mother and IWe were standing in the hall(no space)way when with my back was turned to her.
“Please don’t make me go,” I pleaded. I faced her, giving and gave her my best puppy eyes. “Please,I begged.
“No,” my mother spoke in a stern way that only mothers could pull off.
I went from my passive child-like face to a stubborn teen face. “I’m fourteen years old. I should be allowed to be home alone for a couple hours, I spoke defiantly.
My mother touched her motherly-warn face to cover her eyes in a disapproving manner. “Honey, why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? There is no reason for you to skip this. All your friends and aunts and cousins and uncles and grandparents are going. So why can’t you spend a little time with them while enjoying the festival?” she questioned.


I may have missed a few things, but overall, that should help you see the difference.

Overall Opinion

Other than the way you formatted the story and the dialogue & paragraph issues, I really enjoyed this story. I 100% want to see you continue this story. I like how you wiggled Bianca's characterization into the story, and thew way the story is unfolding. I like how there is foreshadowing with the radio report about the escaped serial killer.... I'm excited to see how this plays out! :)

I look forward to seeing another part, and more of your work! :)

Keep writing,

-Katja




cdr6633 says...


Thank you for reviewing my story! I really appreciate all the feed back. I will definitely edit the format so that it reads smoothly.



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Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:04 am
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AvantCoffee wrote a review...



Hi ^^ CoffeeCat here to review ~

Yay, Halloween theme! :D Your opening sets up enough interest with the main character being in opposition to her mother taking her to the pumpkin fest. It made me want to read further to know why that is the case, and the main character's unique perspective compared to the other carefree people in her town definitely gives the writing a suspenseful feeling.

I feel like the first two sentences could become a single sentence, with a comma instead of a full stop (period).

The most noticeable aspect that could be improved would be having more paragraphs so that the writing is less "boxy" to read...

I just didn’t want to do this. The Pumpkin Fest was considered to be one of the most enjoyable times of the year in our tiny town.

I would recommend creating a new paragraph after "this."

Overall the first exisiting paragraph works well to paint the scene and allude to what is to come.

“Blanca, you’re starting to freak me out” urged my mother.

There's nothing wrong with this in terms of the writing content, but I thought I'd let you know that there should be a comma after "out", like this:
"Blanca, you're starting to freak me out," urged my mother.
This is the case for pretty much all the other character dialogue that takes a similar form, unless it ends in a question mark or exclamation mark or other punctuation. Otherwise, this is an intriguing starting point for the next scene! Good job :)

“No” my mother spoke in a stern way that only mothers could pull off.

Normally with dialogue, a separate paragraph is given to each character as they speak. So in this case, a new paragraph would be good for the above and whenever the dialogue (and actions/expressions that go with the character who's speaking that dialogue) changes from the mother to the main character. It will open the writing up so much more and make it more pleasant to read.

My mother was quickly seeing through my façade. I looked down in shame.

A new paragraph after "façade."

As I walked, I felt something eerie come over me. An eerie feeling that you get when something bad is about to happen…

Haha you create plenty of foreshadowing throughout this story.

But that wasn’t in store for me tonight… We drove as I looked out the window at all the people leaving their houses and hustling out into their cars.

A new paragraph after "tonight..."

Wow, her mother certainly swears a lot! XD This makes for an interesting character, in ways. So far I'm having no problems with enjoying this story.

Ooh, the killer is loose! o.O

The radio shut off. My mother had managed to place the knob back on and turned the radio off completely.

New paragraph after "off."

My mom looked me straight in the eyes and I felt some of my anxiety wash away. I looked back out the window and watched the people walk on the sidewalks.

New paragraph after "away."

Haha it's interesting how you finish every "Part" of this story with some suspenseful foreshadowing or such vibes. The way you've structured this story into parts is also an interesting choice.

The first sentence of "Part 3" could be a paragraph of its own, and you could replace the full stop after "us" with an ellipsis (one of these ... ) to introduce the scene that follows.

Colors of red, gold, and yellow were omnipresent.

This is an interesting description!

Lights brought energy to the festival and gave it life.

Hmm, I feel like your description here is a little repetitive. Something bringing "energy" and "giving something life" are very similar. You might want to only go with one, or replace one of these two descriptions with something less similar.

“Yeah”. When we reached the entrance my mother rushed off to get in the lengthy line of people waiting to buy tickets.

New paragraph before and after "Yeah."

Part 3 is good! A lot of description in this part. The story already feels like it's building a strong foundation for what could be to come.

Okay! So after reading this all the way through, I definitely think you should finish it! Your main improvement if I were to suggest one would be paragraphs (and a bit of punctuation), but the story itself is progressing really nicely. I couldn't notice any major writing faults. Let me know if you decide to continue this story and I'll be sure to check it out! :D

I hope my review has been helpful to you in some way. Keep up the good writing!

— Coffee




cdr6633 says...


Thank you so much! I am going to edit this work so that it breaks up into different parts. I liked your idea of the separation of the sentences. I need to work on how I format so that it is more cohesive. This review was really helpful so thank you so much!




Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato