idk first poem---not very good

Hi there Memory here for a review <3


Ok, Below I have seen you argue that other's were being "mean" or "too harsh" for being blunt. Im going to be blunt as well.

You need capitals in here, I know a lot of poetry doesn't need it but this seriously needs it.

You put four periods in Ellipsis. Ellipses have three periods, no more no less.

Starting almost all this poem with the same words will work with some poems but for this one it hurts my eyes. Maybe find alternatives to the words you repeat? I see a lot of feeling in here but I don't feel it myself. Maybe explain exactly how your stomach gets butterflies?


Maybe explain a little more in detail how much you love said person. Try to find new ways to say "I love you"?

The leaping heart...Oh dear, Find a new way to say this. It's used a lot and It fits but I think there are better ways to phrase this using those words in a sentence.

I hope this helps you in the future <3

~Mem

this poem is cute and as it is your first poem it is quite recommendable. your inspiration for this poem might as well be very beautiful
for the part of literary work it is too simple and brief- not that that is a defect- but i would like to see some story of your falling in love and your way of exposing that.
next "love you to the moon" - this is quite confusing. do you mean that the length of your love can go as far as away from earth to moon??
overall its sweet and cute. keep writing and you will certainly do well..

Hello!
Honestly, I think this is pretty good! Especially since it is your first poem! Most of the things I was going to point out were mentioned by other writers, but I have an idea you might want to try....maybe. Since you want to make it clear that this is your first poem, you could put it at the top of your work as an "author's note". Like this-

"(Author's Note: This is my very first poem. I would love feedback on it!)"

Or something like that at least. Anyway, other than that and the capitalization, it was pretty good! Great job, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Stay Awesome

Alright well I agree with pretty much everything Strange and TheScratchedAcoustic talked about, except for the capitalization and punctuation stuff. For this poem, I don't believe those two things disrupts or even effect the flow, so I'm just going to leave that alone.
I don't want to repeat advice already given, so I'm just going to emphasize on one main thing: ORIGINALITY. This poem more or less lacks it. It seems to me that you, as a new poet, basically took lines from classic/generic poems you've heard or read and grouped together lines you liked. What I'm trying to say is, be more original. Think about how this person you love (or the narrator loves, if you don't feel this way) actually feels, instead of describing them using unoriginal phrases such as "my stomach gets butterflies for you" and "i love you for all eternity" etc. etc. As rainynight13 suggested, use your own metaphors and similes to describe how the narrator feels, their questioning on whether their beloved loves them back, how their beloved makes them feel, etc. This poem is really sweet and clearly the narrator is deeply in love, which is why it'd be awesome to see this expanded upon using your own, original phrases and descriptions.
Also, TheScratchedAcoustic is right; the title really does need to be changed. You want a title that sucks a reader in, or at least has something to do with the poem. "Idk first poem---not very good" does not do that. In fact, that title puts you and your poem down before the reader even reads it, and you don't want that, especially not when your poem is good!
Overall rating: 5/10
Keep writing!
+1

It's a sweet poem but I think it's too short. Try to use similies and things like that to enrich your writing and help the reader better understand how YOU. as an individual feel because everyone is a little different and every time is a little different and that's what makes each crush special. Good job though!!

Hey, yo, cdog121201! Strange here and I have a review for you!

Alright, I see how you responded to TheScratchedAcoustic's review because of being rather harsh and straight forward. Being a member here for almost two years, I have realized that these help, even though they can be blunt and somewhat "hurtful".

Well, I am going to be blunt.

This is a beginning poem, so it could be more excusable. One of the biggest problems with this poem is the lack of capitalization or steady punctuation. I am a part of the "Punctuation Isn't Always Needed" hipster cult on the dark side of poetry, but this needed it. The lack of capitalization hurt my eyes, and honestly seemed very immature.

Another problem is the theme of the poem and how you approached it. It wasn't refreshing, original, what word you would choose to describe it. It followed the stereotypical guidelines of "you love me, I love you, we are perfect!" that the majority of romantic poetry has, but how the main character approached it was just not the best idea.

do you love me too?

i think you do....

Nice poem. Short and sweet.

Hey, this is herby here for a review!
First of all, I like the length of this poem. I write short poems too, and our readers may think we're just to lazy to write a long poem, I think that sometimes a short piece can deliver the idea better. I think you did a pretty good job of that here.
Now, for the criticism. In the second line I think you should get rid of 'gets', because I belive it would make the line flow better.
I also think lines four and five should begin with 'oh' too, because then you would get a consistent pattern throughout the whole poem.
These are both just suggestions, and you really shouldn't pay any attention to them if you think it might change your voice.
And, finally, one more compliment. I love the last two lines. They are so simple, so incomplete, they totally embody someone crushing on someone else. The rhyme in those lines is super cute, too.
Thanks for the read!
herby

I'm not going to review this because I have absolutely no knowledge about poetry, but I will say it's a good start in my opinion. I can't write poetry either!
Like I said, I'm not a poet and I've heard that in poetry grammar doesn't matter, but if I were you I would still capitalize the I's in here.
Overall decent start. I noticed below you said that you were brought down by that review. May I give you a word of advice? Don't let ANYONE bring you down!!! Ever! Sometimes reviews DO hurt, but they're trying their best to help you. Don't stop writing and with time you'll become better.
I look forward to seeing more writing from you.
~Flash

Hey there.

So the very first thing I want to discuss is your title choice. What you have as your title now could easily have been a disclaimer placed before the poem [still in the literary work box]. Also using chat speak isn’t very enticing, and it doesn’t draw me in as a reader to continue reading the poem. And better yet—you didn’t even have to say anything about it being your first poem at all. A lot of us don’t feel our writing (or poeting) is good, so don’t feel discouraged. That’s what we’re here for—to provide our suggestions and build you up as a better poet (in this case). So first thing you do when you start revising: come up with an actual title, and one that pulls us in as readers.

Moving on. I wasn’t impressed with the overall poem. I just didn’t enjoy it. A lot of what was written involves cliché terms, especially the use of the line “I love you to the moon and back.” I’ve heard that in so many different works [like Taylor Swift’s “Ronan,” for instance]. One other cliché term that stuck out like a sore thumb was the butterflies’ line. I can’t tell you how many times it’s been used in association with crushes or love, etc. There’s nothing wrong with integrating those terms. However, it’s your format that messes it up. You could easily italicize or make those lines stand out to say “Hey, these aren’t my words, but I think they fit in with my poem.”

I also don’t understand the use of “oh” in the first three lines. What is its purpose? Make it clear and bold in this poem, because otherwise, it’s three “oh”s that are just…there. Try reading those lines aloud and think about what they do for your poem. The repetition just weighs down on the poem itself, so when you go back to revise, decide what you want to do with it.

Another thing I noticed was your punctuation, or lack thereof. Your first five lines have no punctuation, some of which could have really used it. Then, the last three lines all use some sort of punctuation. The ellipses didn’t really do much for the poem. The assumption or claim that “whoever the speaker is in love with loves them back” is kind of abrupt. They first ask the question, and then answer it with “I think.” What was the point of that? It was kind of a random ending, because what you used to build up to it had nothing to do with the last line.

I see potential, I really do. One thing that’s important in poetry is the use of imagery, metaphors, or other literary elements that could really bring the feelings to life. These words are just words; they don’t hold any meaning as of right now. But I know [and this is due to experience] that if you really put your mind to it, you could enhance these ideas and really bring them to live. Cause us to feel what the speaker if feeling. Dig deep; you’re not even scratching the surface here.

Go through the forums and look for anything poetry related. There are great topics in the Resources section you could use to revise and edit this poem.

Just remember, we all start somewhere! My early poetry was really bad—I rhymed everything which resulted in some eye-twitching forced rhymes. You didn’t even try that, which is great, because forced rhymes are what I usually see in beginner poetry. Now I’m not a true expert, but if you have any questions, please ask! You can do it.

~Writer~