I don’t think anyone can quite understand the way I feel when he enters the room. I don’t think anyone knows what it feels like to be the mad for a boy. I don’t think anyone understands how my body craves for his presence while he isn’t in the room, and how my heart feels like it’s too big for my chest when he enters. I don’t think anyone knows how my soul lifts into my chest when I see his tousle of blond curls, falling into his glacier colored eyes. Like now.
I sat in my seat, and watched him enter the room. My friend threw me a suspicious glance, which I ignored. I stared, no, gawked, at his perfect face. His slightly tilted up nose. His rosy lips, and pale skin. The way the light caught his crystal eyes. The way his mouth moved, as he spoke to our teacher. I inhaled, and held the breath, as if letting it out would make this perfect moment end. He glanced in my direction, and smiled at me. I giggled to myself, and turned to my paper, trying to hide my eyes from him. The second he was turned back to the teacher, I popped my head up, and stared at him again. My prince. Who was destined for his princess. The girl sitting beside me.
That's all there is!
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this sounds like a pretty standard sad love story there. It definitely a situation that I have seen several times but I think that you did manage to change things up a bit by having the whole thing appear as a twist. I love the way that you start it like its just any other cheesy love story and then just end it with that other cliche but definitely shocking at that point ending.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well she definitely has some pretty extreme feels there for this boy. You can very clearly see it in the dialogue that you use. It seems almost a little exaggerated and poetic which isn't necessarily a bad thing but I am just pointing it out here in case you were not going for that effect. The comparisons that you use here are pretty solid, they seem understandable enough and are not overly complex. The overall meaning that you convey through her thought is pretty solid and I definitely think its all pretty nicely done.
Well that was a really solid description you had there. That made this whole thing a lot more grounded in reality than the first paragraph which sounded a lot more like abstract concepts. And that ending is pretty sad there when you actually realize that beside me probably means that girl actually has a crush on her best friends boyfriend. A pretty short thing that I don't think counts as a story but it will still a pretty nice little monologue of sorts.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I actually think its pretty good. I probably would not be calling this a proper short story like I mentioned above but its definitely a pretty interesting take on things and it was pretty fun to read. And that's about all I have to say for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, I don't think that this "story" should be in this forum. I think you should seperate the lines and re-post it in "Other Poetry". Other than that it was an okay writing. Sorry.
I don't think this sentence correctly or adequately describes the narrator's feelings. Maybe change it to something that implies instead of states that she's mad for the boy. Just a suggestion.
This part is good; it provides a good description of the boy, though I think you ought to look for a synonym for "tousle" in "tousle of blond hair". It didn't sound right. Also, a hyphen between glacier and colored.
Put tow dashes before no and after gawked. It makes it more abrupt and truthful. That sounds weird, I know, but it's true.
You don't need the comma, but the description is good anyway.
My favorite part. It is sad and unfair, but anyone who reads this would be expecting the girl to get the guy in the end, but this is a perfect "girl next door" story. I liked it, and I think you could probably make this a longer story if you wanted to.