Your hips intrigue me
Make my heart ache with despair
As if you're the only thing that matters
Your eyes sparkle
My attention drawn to your perfect smile
Hair blowing softly in the cool breeze
Your foot steps increase in speed
When you look into my eyes as you walk by
I follow each step until you start to panic
Your heartbeat's speeding
Your steps become uneven and unstable
You stumble over your own feet
My hand reaches for you
But it's too late
You've lost yourself
The life drains from your perfect eyes
I can't find you
I'm numb with fear
Because I know your not coming back
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hii,
So I am here for a review.
Well,I found the poem beautiful and yeah,you definitely had someone in mind ,while you were at it,creating quite a vivid imagery in the poem.
Now,this poem of yours could do with a bit of formatting,you know? There are small mistakes which would otherwise have remained oblivious.
The line-"Your foot steps increase in speed"
-I guess you should write it as -Footsteps.
And in the line:-"Your heartbeat's speeding"
-I feel like it would sound better if you were to replace it with simply,Heartbeat.It creates a better impact,you know.
And lastly,the line -"Because I know your not coming back"
-You should write it as "You're "
I know it very well,that you know it all,but these details must have missed your eyes,So,I felt like I should let you.
In a nutshell,it is quite a beautiful one.
Keep Writing!!
Hello caydenax6. Welcome to YWS; I am sure you are enjoying a lot here (and learning too).
I am here for a mini review for you.
The poem was nicely written and had a good message in it. It had the potential to make anyone emotional.
But there is something quite fundamentally wrong with this poem. Guess what? You did not use any punctuation at all. This disturbs the flow dude. I hope you would use them your upcoming poems.
Apart from that, you have the talent to write good poems. Keep writing and don't get scared of making mistakes; because you learn only by making mistakes.
All the best for your next work. Looking forward to review it too
Have a great day/night.
Cheers