Published November 11, 2006
You can fight for your country
Make your neighbours proud,
Go and win them over,
The war you have found.
Do you have the strength
To go out there and fight?
Maybe you’ll stay here
And wander through the night.
The soldiers have come home
The girls are queuing up
But you are all alone,
You didn’t have the guts.
If you go to war
You can tell the story
How England won the battle
And you joined in the glory.
So fight for your country
Make your neighbours proud
Go and win them over
The war you have found.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
I know this isn't my best poem, and I do think it needs some work. It was set as an English homework and in a way some of it was forced! I've changed a few things...I don't really want to change it to an all rhyming or non rhyming poem...not sure why! Anyway...and other ideas would be grateful! Thank you
the subject matter bugs me, but from a relatively objective point of view:
a) everything above
b) about the line, 'the war you have found'; it sounded to me like you meant that the reader needed some way to prove himself and get the girl. it made me think of absolute monarchy and the necessity of a crisis. like he dredged up this war so he could go kill somebody and make everybody love him. anyway, i'm just not sure if that's the connotation that you were going for.
c) there's some rhythmic problems. (by that i don't really mean rhythmic, i just didn't want to tell you that you have flow problems). you should work on ironing those out, like in the second to last stanza. i'm not sure how to do it, it's just a thought. helpful, aren't i?
i find this to be very interesting. just work on it, and it can be good.
On this stanza...as well as the last..."Proud" and "Found" just don't rhyme. Which is actually good, because then you have an excuse to change the last line, which sounds very odd and doesn't add much to the point.
I'm pretty sure 'power' is not the word you were looking for here...everyone has the power, I think you meant something like courage or brevity or something like that. Also, the random hyphen in the third line...? Accident? If not, I'd take it out.
Here...'up and 'guts' also don't rhyme. You seem to have SOME rhyming stanzas, but not all...so my advice to you and make the whole poem one of the other. Also, in the third line here--I would rephrase that to something like "you are all alone" or something to that affect because 'on your own' brings a vision of someone going out on there own and really you mean they don't have a girl...
This is like a persuasive poem...it's different. It's okay..but it does need some work!
Happy Editing!