The feeling's I'm describing, they're messing up my mind,
The words that flutter in my brain just hate to leave, goodbye,
The hole inside my head it is just growing all the time,
And all the while i just am talking...
Listen to me you don't stop talking, shouting, crying, laughing, walking.
Get the attention all the time, it's turing into crime.
Your friends they laugh and jeer at me,
they snigger and point, wont let me free,
they shout and sing and bully me,
Oh i just want to cry,
It really should become a crime...
So...
Set me free and let me out, it is my turn to jeer and shout,
You have to let my monster out,
But I just have one more doubt,
'cos you will not let me out...
So now you know
The feeling that i have described,
they've ruined and emptied my mind,
they can't stop calling out to me...
YOUR DEAD
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think it has potential. But I must agree with The Black Rose- the rhyme feels a little too forced. Rhyme should feel very natural. For a song suggesting the emotions in this, perhaps it would be better without rhyme. Rhyme is best, in my opinion, for when some type of harmony lies over everything. I think changing some of the syllables will allow the emotions in this song to come through loud and clear. After all, it's intended to represent a direct dialogue- shouldn't it sound like one?
"And all the while i just am talking... "
I just am... annoyed me. And you need to capitalize the I.
"Get the attention all the time, it's turing into crime. "
It felt awfully off....
There is a lot more but I can't point them out, because there is a lot more...
I didn' really get it though, maybe it's the fact it's 6:30 in the morning but that beats me...
All of your work so far, needs a bit of improvement, perhaps you should try to write without rhyme?
It always works for me, if rhyme comes it comes, but you can't force it, it's supposed to flow, and nor you or I are very flowy (no offense, of course I sort of downed myself a bit too).
---Elizabeth